Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... '
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement...
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it...
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample ... He pours the sample into the slot and waits...
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity ... It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.