Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
these are compliments of hal
NAME YOUR PENIS
This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'"
The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
"That's no better either, Hamish."
"Now, how about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out, "London".
"Brilliant Paddy" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said,
Wait for it
This one is compliments of hefa
Walmart took pride in the fact that they employed retired people for some positions.