Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married.
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? ... a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
... "No. They're all at the funeral."--
A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You're gonna need more ammo!"
WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT A PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.
AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR TRIP TO PHOENIX.
WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES.
BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.
ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD MAN. HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED, AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.
TO HER RELIEF, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT. AS THE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE CAR, AND HURRIED INSIDE TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES, THE OLD GEEZER YELLED TO HER "WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT CARD."
THIS COMING WEEK IS NATIONAL SENIOR MENTAL HEALTH WEEK. YOU CAN DO YOUR PART BY REMEMBERING TO CONTACT AT LEAST ONE UNSTABLE SENIOR TO SHOW YOU CARE.
I HAVE NOW DONE MY PART
Hockey Fans all over the world will understand this Joke.
I am a crack dealer in Orillia, Ontario who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby schools.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Barrie prostitute who lives near Bass Lake and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel there.
My parents live in a suburb of North Bay, and one of my sisters, who lives in
Rama, is married to an aboriginal transvestite.