Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one is compliments of Chuck
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa Claus' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
This one is compliments of Hal
Gynecologist Assistant wanted
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Sidney, Ohio, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief ... Is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
These are compliments of Whiterabbit...
Rules of the Household
1. The female always makes the rules.
a. The rules are subject to change at any time without notice.
b. No male can possibly know all the rules, however, nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
c. If the female suspects that the male knows any of the rules, she may immediately change any or all of the rules.
2. The female is never wrong.
a. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
b. If Rule 2a applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
3. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
a. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
4. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
a. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
b. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
5. Any attempt by the male to change any of these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response General Motors issued a press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they re-paint the lines in the road, you have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause you car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.