Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Complements of GEORGE
A very elderly man was cruising down I-95 N. of
Miami at a high rate of speed. Since he ignored their lights and sirens the HP finally resorted to stop sticks to halt him.
When asked where he was going in such a hurry, he replied, "I can't remember."
"What!?", The patrolman exclaimed, "Then why were you going a 110mph!?
"Sonny, look at me. I'm an old man. I don't have much time to get there!
These are compliments of "a fed-up Democrat"
Person 1: Did you hear that (name of your favorite politician) isn't going to run for (office name)??
Person 2: No, why not?
Person 1: During their last colonoscopy they found a brain tumor.
From one who has been there...
What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?
These are compliments of "another tech support guy":
What do you get when you cross a computer and a prostitute?
An effing know it all.
What do you get when you cross a computer and a Beverly Hills Princess?
A computer that never, ever goes down on you.
From a Beverly Hills bartender:
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: How dos a Jew make beer?
A: Hebrews it.
From a Jewish Beverly hills resident:
Q: What is a Beverly Hills Princess's favorite wine?
(all answers are in a in a nasal, whining voice)
A1: "I've got NOTHING to wear!"
A2: "When are we leaving for Monaco?"
A3: "But he promised to marry me!"
Remember BHP = Beverly Hills Princess
What is the only thing a BHP will go down on?
The escalator at Neiman Marcus or Bloomingdales.
What does a BHP make for dinner?
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a BHP?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
What's the difference between a BHP and a barracuda?
The barracuda doesn't wear lipstick.
Why does a BHP wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he's coming into money.
What does a BHP do to her asshole every morning?
Air-kisses him and sends him off to work.
What is a BHP's idea of natural childbirth?
Absolutely no makeup
How do you know if a BHP has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's the difference between a BHP and the Bermuda triangle?
The Bermuda triangle swallows seamen.
According to Monica, if your cigar starts to smoke, you are doing it way to fast. Monica recommends Kentucky Jelly
(you do know what the postal abbreviation of Kentucky is, don't you?)
What is a BHP's idea of foreplay?
A half an hour of begging!
What do you say to a baby BHP?
"Gucci Gucci Gucci"
How many BHPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What? And wreck my nails?
What three words will a BHP never hear?
"Attention K-Mart Shoppers"
What do you call a BHP on a water bed?
1. Lake Placid
2. The Dead Sea
Why do BHP's close their eyes while screwing?
So they can pretend they're at Neiman Marcus!
What is a BHP's favorite sexual position?
What is the difference between a BHP and Jell-O?
Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.