Jokes and Giggles
Chapter 60

Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt

AH; THE IRISH...

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London...

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair"...

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.

I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.

I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from out west of Dublin, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."


These are compliments of the web magician

They Walk Among Us ... and they vote...

And What is Even Worse, they Reproduce


My neighbor bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


At the airport.

Official: " Has anyone put anything into your bags without your knowledge?"

Traveller: "Sir, if they had done it without my knowledge, how would I know?'

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...

"Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and said...

"Where???"

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for a very long time.

She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


I stopped at McDonalds and ordered some fries.

The McClone behind the counter asked, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets, ' said the McClone at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve, ' was the reply. 'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


More tech suport calls...

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


Two calls to the Royal Auto Club (in England)...

Caller inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe:

'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'


A call to a clothing company...

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label --

Woven in Scotland... '

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore ( note that the common opinion was that she was was hired for her body, not her brains ).

She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk...

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm,

I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy, ' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

Caution... They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


My college friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.

Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount on both...

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