Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one is compliments of larry...
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about? Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
And another one from him
A BOY AND HIS FROG
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you and do Anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
"Go get your mother."
On Anger Management: For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. Here is the story:
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"