Jokes and Giggles
Chapter 46

Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'..."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap?


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-seven who gives a crap


This group is compliments of a friend of RabbiRabbit. got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!'

The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself,

I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"


I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me

Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


This one is from Bob, who I can assure you is not a Democrat.

A Correct Anthropological-Chronological History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

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