Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
NEVER PISS OFF A NURSE
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing...
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my rear end."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless America
An oldie but goodie
Compliments of roy!
The cell phone gift--
A young man bought his blonde wife a cell phone for their first anniversary. She was thrilled.
The next day at the mall, her phone rang.
"Hi, hon," her husband said, "how do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it!" she exclaimed. "But there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?"
"How on earth," she asked, "did you know I was at
This one is compliments of the First Earl
Last night I went to a disco...
They played 'The Twist':
I did the twist.
They played 'Jump':
They played 'Come on, Eileen':
I was kicked out for that one...
Hope your day has been better than average.
The following two are compliments of nowhere! I don't think he is a Democrat!
Our Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora ... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The bronze rat
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San
Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old sho p owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"