Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one Compliments of lovelace
The retirement home had banned smoking inside, so all smokers had to go outside to light up? Two little old ladies had just stepped outside for a smoke, when it started to rain.
As the rain drops fell, some landed on their cigarettes. One of the ladies quickly opened her purse and pulled out a condom, she snipped of the tip of the condom and slid it over her cigarette, now her cigarette would stay dry. The other lady said in amazement
"That's the best idea I have ever seen."
The very next day she went to a pharmacy to purchase some condoms of her own, as she stood at the display she was overwhelmed, she had no idea there were so many choices. The pharmacist saw her staring at the display of condoms, and he was curious as to why such an elderly woman would want to buy condoms, so he approached her to try and help.
He asks the woman if he could be of assistance, and she replied that she had no idea there were so many different kinds.
He said "Oh yes, there are lubricated, ribbed, colors and they even come in different sizes, so what would you like."
Her reply, "I don't really care as long as it will fit my Camel!"
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
"Brenda - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe Dear heart, that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?"
"Nay," he replied "I'm turning the heat off while I'm oot."
Compliments of Mike...
A military policeman (MP) is driving through the senior enlisted housing area and sees a small boy sitting on the curb mixing something between a couple of buckets.
The MP corporal decides to investigate to make sure the child is okay. The boy would dump one bucket into the other and add grass, rocks, sticks, and leaves to the mixture from time to time. As he got closer the MP realized that the major component of the mixture is shit, the smell kind of gave it away.
"What are you up to there?" The MP asks the boy.
"I'm making a sergeant," the boy answers.
The corporal thinks that this is the most humorous thing he has heard for awhile. He calls in to his supervisor, "Hey Sarge, I have some suspicious activity on Patton lane, could you send out a supervisor please?"
The car arrives quickly and a Staff Sergeant gets out.
"What is going on, Corporal?"
"Just ask the kid what he is doing, Sarge. You'll understand then."
So the sergeant approaches the child and asks the question. The boy gives him the same answer as the corporal got. "I'm making a sergeant."
The sergeant is offended that the boy is trying to make a sergeant using shit as the main component.