Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
The Real Story
Osama Bin Laden was living with three wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
Your smile for today...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
I am kind of offended by this joke that my brother sent me, but as Flip Wilson said " The Devil made me do it "!!
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time...
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I aint gonna wear no panties.'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first'
This couple are compliments of Misguided
Hunters in the Woods
There are 3 hunters in the woods, they're all telling each other what they're are going to shoot. The first one says he's going to get a buck. So he goes out and comes back with a buck.
Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says, ''I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck''.
So the second hunter says "I'm gonna get a doe."
So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the
3rd hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, ''I see tracks I follow tracks I get doe''.
So the 3rd hunter says, ''I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see''. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened and he says, ''I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!''
3 Men in Saudi Arabia
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in
Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.
For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.
The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the
Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the
Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish, what is it to be?" the
The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
4 Priests on a Train
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.
Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll ... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all!
I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults.
It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll ... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
40 Things Never Said By Southerners