Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Newest Redneck humor – Pearls of wisdom...
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing...
Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
NOW ALLY'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
Compliments of Kev!
An Irish man is walking along the arrivals hall at JFK with tears streaming down his face.
A staff member sees this and she goes over to him and asks what's wrong.
The Irishman sobbingly says "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How did that happen?" she asks.
He replies "the bloody cork fell out!!"
Compliments of Ed
A young sailor who was well liked by his shipmates was getting out of the Navy.
He was from West Virginia and they wanted to buy him a present. They found out he had lived on a farm but had never owned a dog!
They bought him a very young puppy.
When he went to the airlines they told him he had to buy one of their travel cages for his beast.
Now he didn't have the money, so he lowered his front flap and redid the buttons one down, thus making a pouch. There he hid the puppy and was able to board.
After taking off the flight attendant was doing the coffee, tea or me routine and noticed the sailor was squirming in his seat. She ignored him, but when finished she noticed he was moving around a lot. She asked him what was going on. Being an honest young man he told her about the puppy, She laughed and said, "I bet he isn't house broken is he?"
"Ma'am," the sailor replied. "He isn't even weaned!"
Compliments of John ... Read it all
'Let's Do Lunch'
Not far from my home there is a verdant green valley. Flowing from the North to the South in the centre of this valley is a lovely stream.
One day, last spring, in about the centre of the valley was a fly flitting here and flitting there.
As the fly flew over the stream a fish in the stream saw the fly and thought; 'If that fly drops six inches, I'll jump out and grab it, and I'll do lunch.'
On the West bank of the stream was a black bear. This bear could see the fly and could also see the fish and he thought; 'If that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump out to grab it, I can then jump in and grab the fish and I'll do lunch.'