Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
More compliments so M. Child...
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
This one is really sick...
Saskatchewan Dead Crow Report
Three (3) months ago, about 2-- dead crows were found by Saskatchewan service groups. Volunteers had been performing highway clean-ups along the highway shoulders and ditches near Regina, and justly health issues surfaced over the crows dying from Avian Flu. The
Province had a Bird
Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu - to everyone's relief.
However, by research of the crow carcass recovery areas, it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and oddly only about 2% were killed by car impacts.
The Province then hired a Ornithological
Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The
Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a 'look-out Crow' in a nearby tree, on poles or signage to warn of impending danger.
The decisive conclusion came to be that the
'lookout crows' were able to call out "Cah, ... Cah", ... but they cannot say" ... Truck!!"
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$5--
FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S
TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion...
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West
Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time. let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
As I said he is really sick... :)
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you.
So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and
4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home. And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country or what?
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
• He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
• Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
• Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
• He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
• He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
• 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
• 'They're mating, ' her father replied.
• 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
• a Daddy Longlegs, ' her father answered.
• 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
• As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
• 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
• 'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California
, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about that hair.
Her mum calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
5-minute Management Course
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you
$8-- to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $8-- and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor, ' she replies.
'Great, ' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $8-- he owes me?'
Moral of the Lesson:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your share holders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.