Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Gotta love Little Johnnie
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
I used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Be sure and compare your answers with the rating at the bottom.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You always time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
If you answered A more than 7 times, check inside your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but how?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
The WINNER And Last One!
26. Better late than pregnant.
As provided by a reader from the land down under:
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
The Newfies were catching the pins, and saying
The homesteading wannabe was taking a lot of kidding one evening from a bunch of farmers in a diner in a small Alabama town.
"I may not be able to farm yet, but I'm ready to learn whatever I need", said the wannabe.
"You must be kidding," whooped the farmers. "We rednecks can't be beat when it comes to toughness. Every man here can farm from before dawn to after dark, then drink a fifth of white lightning in one gulp, wrestle a big ole black bear barehanded, and make love to a real back-country woman all in one night."
"Shucks, we homesteaders are right up for anything like that," was the retort. "We're tough, or we'll learn how. Where can I find 'em?"
"Well, look here," said one of the farmers, gesturing to the waitress.
She looked like she could bench-press Caterpillar tractors, one in each hand. She looked like that would be about the only reason she might need a Caterpillar tractor - the rest she could handle barehanded.
The wannabe shuddered, but then shook himself and looked determined.
The farmer continued, "Suzie here is a real live homesteadin' woman - right up your alley. She's just picking up some part-time waitressin' while she's building her log cabin and puttin' in her fences. She's about wore out any companionship she can catch around here, and she's still needy. Don't ask us how we know."
The waitress came over and topped up the man's coffee, leaving about an inch of space at the top.