Chapter 4

Sammy drove a sporty little silver car, but there was still room for John's bags in her trunk. She had removed her makeup and was wearing sweats, making John feel guilty for getting her out again.

"Thanks," he said when he sat down in the passenger seat. "I think there was a hotel back on the freeway that should be fine."

"Holly said she'd be okay with you crashing on our couch," Sammy offered.

"No, I couldn't impose," he insisted. "You guys don't know really know me. I'd feel weird."

"Look," she said, sounding more assertive than he'd heard her speak before. "We're gonna go to dinner tomorrow anyway. You'd be paying for a bed for what, six hours of sleep?"

He'd forgotten about the dinner and muttered, "Fuck."

Sammy pulled out into traffic, turning away from the freeway with a scowl on her face. "I know what's going on, John. I'm not stupid."

The hair rose on his arms and the back of his neck. "Sammy..."

"Beth made me see it after we got home and had a chance to compare notes."

In those quiet seconds as she formulated her thoughts, John felt his mouth get slick like he was going to throw up. Rubbing his wet palms on his jeans, he prepared himself to discuss the relationship he and Frank had hidden so far from everyone but Lily.

"I've seen Frank go through women for a year now. If Lily is stupid enough to pick him over you, then she's gonna deserve what she gets." She glanced at him with raised eyebrows. "Just promise me when he dumps her, you won't pick up the pieces. She isn't worth it."

John felt his arm hairs rising. "Uhh..."

"I imagine the three of you had some wild times at the ski resort, but Frank is a millionaire. I bet when she saw his place she suddenly wasn't interested in the nice guy anymore. Right?" She didn't wait for his response. "I thought you and I might hit it off, but after talking to Beth..." Shaking her head, she gave him a hard look. "I won't be your second choice."

"Why don't you just drop me off somewhere," John whispered as the guilt and relief he felt went to war in his heart.

"No," she said. "I have no problem with you spending tonight on our couch. And I said I'd go with you to Grace's little dinner party tomorrow, but after that you're on your own. You need to figure out what you want, John, before you end up another victim of Frank's train wreck of a personal life."

Her last comment rattled around in his head. As she drove them in silence, John wrestled with himself. Sometimes Frank made his pulse race, but there was a side of him that wasn't attractive at all. Despite being willing to open up about his situation at work, it was obvious he wasn't as willing to consider the feelings of others, especially the women in his life.

Frank had made comments and dismissive remarks that indicated she was right about his bad relationship patterns. The way he threatened to end their friendship over Sammy was a perfect example. John hadn't done more than be kind to her. He hadn't initiated the kiss she'd given him at the end of the night, but Frank reacted like a jealous boyfriend. Whatever they might be to each other, John wasn't willing to be forced into that kind of role.

When they arrived at Sammy's apartment, she sighed deeply and rubbed her face. "I'm beat and pissed off at life. It's not really you."

"I get that. I should have called a cab. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

She gave a sad chuckle and looked up, shaking her head. "Come on in and I'll get you settled."

John rolled his bags in behind her and into the two bedroom loft Sammy shared with Beth. The downstairs was a living room, kitchen, and small bathroom, with stairs leading up to their bedrooms. Leaving his bags by the couch, Sammy showed him where the necessities were before yawning broadly.

"There's a blanket over the back of the couch you can use. I'm going to bed, but if you need anything just knock on the door at the top of the stairs."

"Good night and thanks again," he said as he watched her swaying walk up the stairs. He couldn't shake the feeling he might be letting something good slip away as she left.

The smell of coffee roused him after a night of troubled sleep. When he sat up on the couch and stretched, Beth gave him a penetrating look from the kitchen where she was pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Good morning," he yawned as he scratched and stretched.

"Sleep okay?" she asked. Her tone wasn't rude, but she wasn't the friendly girl she had been the night before.

"Yeah," he said and swung his legs over to sit upright.

"Look, before Sammy gets down here I wanted to tell you something." Her voice was tense and her eyes sparkled.

Getting up off the couch, John approached the kitchen and sat down on a stool opposite her, keeping the counter between them. "I'm listening."

"She's my best friend and I don't want her getting hurt."

"I already apologized for calling her and getting her mixed up in my mess. She made it pretty clear how she felt last night and I don't blame her a bit."

"Just remember that being nice is easy to mistake for interest. She's not the most worldly person. She falls quick. Be gentle and let her down easy. Please?"

John nodded, feeling sick at the unspoken implication that he'd used her somehow. "I'll keep that in mind."

He had used her. Admitting that to himself made him feel a little better, if only to do something to make up for it. The attention she'd given him had been gratifying and he definitely responded when she kissed him. It would be easy to put it all off on her, but he couldn't do it to her or himself.

Beth put a mug of coffee down in front of him and pointed to the containers next to the pot. "Cream and sugar. I'm going to shower and get dressed."

John took a sip of the black coffee and was just about to get out his laptop to change his flight when his phone rang. Lily's smiling face was on his phone when he dug it out of his pocket.

"Hey," he muttered as he took another sip of coffee.

"You okay?" she asked quietly, like she trying not to be heard.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Frank spun out last night. It was a little scary. Plus I just got a call from my office telling me to be in Vegas tomorrow for a conference to cover for my friend who has the flu." When John didn't say anything, she said, "Please come back. He's torn up about you leaving like that. So am I."

"I can't do this, Lily." John felt his throat get tight as he shook his head.

"We were bound to have some growing pains," she whispered. "I told him he was wrong to be jealous."

John gave a sad chuckle. "It was harder than I thought it would be to just stand by and watch."

"That goes both ways, and not just for Frank." Lily took a deep breath. "Come back. Let's talk about this."

He took a deep breath to stiffen his resolve. "I'm changing my flight. I'll go to Grace's dinner tonight to keep people from asking awkward questions, but I'm heading home afterwards."

"He's got the layoffs in the morning. One of us should stay. You know it's gonna kill him to have to go through that. I'm worried about him."

That pulled at John's heart. "So am I."

"So stay. One more night. Just be there for him. Please, " Lily pleaded. "Do it for me, even if you won't do it for him right now."

Staring at his own eyes in the black coffee mirror he said, "Fine. Okay."

"Thank you. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Tell him..." John paused as he tried to put into words all the conflicting things he felt. "Tell him I'm sorry."

"I will. Bye."

She hung up before he could say anything else. When he put his phone down he realized Sammy was staring at him from the stairs. He tried to remember what he'd said, how the call must have sounded to her.

"So she called you after fucking him all night?" Sammy asked in a low growl.

John put his face in his hands and sighed. "It's complicated."

"Why do you even like her?" Sammy whispered, half to herself. Pouring a mug of coffee for herself, she sighed and said, "So what did she get you to agree to?"

"She's leaving tonight and I'm staying with Frank for another day or so."

She blinked and glanced up with a confused expression. "So you're going to work for him or something?"

"Something like that." It was easier to let her think what she wanted. Eventually the news would come out that Frank wasn't the millionaire everyone thought he was, but that secret wasn't John's to share.

"Are ... are you going to move here?" she asked with a quake in her voice.

"I don't know. Probably not." He could imagine it though. That was the most troubling part. He could imagine living in Frank's place, sleeping in his bed. It made his stomach twist into knots, but he could imagine it so easily.

Sammy took her coffee and came around the counter to stand next to him. She was bare legged under her long t-shirt, and John forced himself to look away from her pink toenails.

"I'm gonna shower after Beth, then you can have one if you want. I need to get a new pair of shoes and some hose before tonight. Want to come with me to the mall?"

"Sure," John said, taking a longer sip of his coffee as he avoided her eyes.

"Put on what you want to wear tonight and we'll leave from there."

"I'll need to bring my bags, too, then." He looked up at her and tried to smile. "I'll head back from there with Frank to drop Lily off at the airport."

She nodded, avoiding his eyes at the mention of Lily's name. He felt the warmth between them cool completely, right in that moment.

"Thanks for letting me crash here last night."

"I'll let you know when I'm out of the bathroom."

After an awkward afternoon shopping with Sammy, they drove up a winding, residential street until they came to a house supported on tall concrete pillars. It was built on the side of a rocky hill overlooking a valley with a lake at the bottom.

The front of the house was on the ground, but the hill fell away under it requiring concrete pillars to keep it level. The driveway went around and under the house to a parking area that slanted steeply under the house between the pillars.

Sammy looked lovely in a shimmering blue dress. Her new silver heels made it hard to walk back up the steep grade to the front steps, so John offered his arm to help her. When they rang the bell at the front door, she still had her hands around his elbow.

Frank opened the door to greet them. "Come on in, Mom has us all out on the back porch. You look great, Sammy."

"Thanks," she said without a trace of tension. John wondered if all women could mask their feelings so completely. "It feels weird not bringing anything, but that's what Grace said."

"Mom's got it covered, trust me. Come on back."

It felt weird to be so completely ignored by Frank after what happened just a few hours earlier. As he led them through the sliding glass doors out onto the back porch, John couldn't help notice Frank's easy smile and realized he'd missed it.

Lily was looking fresh and happy in a blowsy white dress with black hose and heels. Sammy ignored her the way Frank had just ignored him.

"Can I get you something to drink," John asked Sammy after they greeted Emma and Grace.

"Beer, wine, anything," she said and sent him off while she and Emma stepped closer to chat.

When he returned they were engaged in a quiet, intense conversation that stopped as soon as he handed the glass of white wine to Sammy.

"Thank you," Sammy said, then walked over towards Grace and Lily without another word.

"So you didn't get lucky last night," Emma said as she sipped her own wine. "Too bad. I would've lost money on that bet."

John didn't answer, just pursed his lips and shook his head at her comment.

"She thinks you have a thing for Lily." Emma was watching him carefully.

"This sure is good wine," he said, trying to derail the conversation. "I've always had a thing for a good, crisp Pinot Grigio."

"She's wrong, though," Emma whispered, looking away from him at last.

"So what is Grace serving for dinner?" John asked to keep things in safe topics.

"Frank was a nervous wreck until he saw you pull in down there." Emma led them over to the railing overlooking the valley and the lake. John hadn't realized the parking area was visible from the porch and that they had all been standing above him when he and Sammy had parked.

"The weather is lovely. Just perfect." His stomach was churning and a slick feeling flooded his mouth.

"Frank's not gay," Emma whispered with her eyebrows wrinkled together.

"What a coincidence, neither am I," John said, trying to make light of her comment. He leaned over to put his elbows on the wooden railing and looked down into the valley at the lake.

"But there's something going on between you," Emma said plainly. "I've known him my whole life and I've never seen him this rattled. Then you show up and he calms right down even though you haven't so much as looked at each other."

John just sipped his wine and stayed silent. None of Frank's secrets where his to share. Not their relationship, his financial situation, or the impending layoffs.

"He likes Lily well enough, but he's never had a relationship longer than a month or two." She said it to herself more than John, like she was puzzling over something.

John's head was spinning and he had to shut his eyes. Emma was so close to putting it all together. The reality of what they'd been doing privately becoming public made his heart hammer and his body bead sweat.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked, giving him a worried look.

"Drop it, please," John begged. "Just drop it."

"Oh my God," Emma whispered in amazement. "You love my brother."

"No." He stood suddenly and moved away from her, away from everyone. His stomach was pushing the wine he'd drunk back into his mouth.

She let him go, but when John glanced back her eyes had shifted to Frank who was watching them over his Mother's shoulder. John ducked back into the house to look for the bathroom. He found one down the hallway from the living room and shut the door before gagging over the toilet.

Panting hard, like he'd been running, John spat to clear his mouth as he fought the tears in his eyes. She figured it out, oh fuck, she knows!

Just when he got his breathing under control, the door opened and Frank slipped inside. After he locked it, he knelt down next to John and put his arm across his back. Gagging again, John kept his face in the bowl until the nausea passed.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked as he rubbed John's back gently.

"Emma knows about us," John managed to get out of his tight throat. "I don't know how but she figured it out."

Frank sighed, then gently touched John's hair. "She's my sister and a psychologist. I'd be more surprised if she didn't know."

"I'm not ready," John hissed. "We fought again. My family..." His thoughts were going a thousand miles an hour. Frank stood and got a paper cup from the medicine cabinet and filled it with cold water.

"Here," he said. "Rinse your mouth."

"How can you be so calm about this?" John asked in a near panic as he stood.

"My life is over." Frank gave him a sad smile. "I've lost everything. When you've got nothing left to lose it puts things in perspective."

"What does that even mean?" John drank the water and spat it out, then rinsed his face using water from the faucet. Frank was looking at him in the mirror when he looked up again.

"It means I don't care what my family thinks. It means I don't care if my friends find out. I want to be with you. I want to make music with you. And if things don't work out, I'll miss you. And if things do work out, I'll kiss you." He turned John around and pulled him into a tight embrace.

"I'm terrified," John said, but welcomed his friend's touch.

"Me, too," he admitted. "But I was more scared I'd lost you being stupid last night."

That confession broke through the fear and they kissed. It was gentle at first, then more passionate as they clutched each other tighter. Eventually it slowed and they stopped, resting their foreheads together.