Chapter 12: Mysterious Claire' Confesses; Decisions Are Made

Claire took a deep breath and blurted out through her tears, "I was a porn star and a call girl."

With that pronouncement, she again burst into tears and buried her head against my chest. In only seconds, I could feel her salty tears running down my naked body. I'd wrapped my arms around Claire's equally nude form and pulled her closer to me in a move to comfort and console instead of anything erotic.

The others in the hotel suite's room couldn't have missed her confession, particularly Crystal and Ellen who had sensed Claire had been anxious about something for months. Both women came over and joined me in surrounding Claire within a circle of love. We all babbled words of love to her, and that her confession made no difference to us.

I kept saying, "No one cares now. We love you." I must have said it a hundred times in the five minutes that Claire sobbed into my chest.

Nadia appeared next to us with a box of tissues and a washcloth, and we started to blot up some of the tears soothe Claire's face. She snuffled and sniffed between sobs, her eyes were red, and when she'd look at us, her face would scrunch up and she'd sob again and throw herself against me so she hid her face as she cried.

Another ten minutes passed before we could get Claire quieted down. I just held her tightly, and kept telling her that I loved her.

When her blubbering stopped, she started apologizing, "Oh ... sniff ... I'm so sorry ... snort ... that I didn't ... choke ... tell you before. Now, ... sniff ... you feel you have to ... put up with me ... sigh ... or tell me ... choke ... to leave."

I kept saying, "Claire, what you did doesn't make any difference to us. We aren't obligated to put up with you. We love you, and we're not going to make you leave us; we want you with us all the time. You could be doing porno movies and hustling today, and we'd still love you. Heck, we'd all probably want to join you."

She sniffed a few times, and her tears slowed. In a weak voice, she asked, "Really?"

Crystal and Ellen spoke simultaneously, "Really!"

Claire looked between each of us. Billy and Dan were now sitting on the other sofa leaning forward towards us, hanging on every word. Billy had brought Claire a glass of water. They didn't know Claire as well, yet real concern showed on their face. Besides, if they'd wanted to help, there wasn't any more room around us to join in – Claire was in my lap surrounded by Crystal, Ellen, Edie, and Nadia. I knew both of them would keep they mouths shut about her revelation. I trusted them with my life story and road trip, and never heard another word about it.

Claire choked out, "I needed to tell you ... it's been my dark secret for three years."

Edie said tenderly as she stroked Claire's tear stained face, "Not so dark. Bring it out in the light and you'll find it's not so big or as awful as you've talked yourself into thinking it is." In just the few days when Edie stayed with us at the Nashville home, she'd formed a strong bond with Ellen and Claire. I was already thinking of trying to add Edie to our growing family.

After more sniffling, Claire started her story. "I wasn't always Claire Whitman; I changed my name from Cheryl Zaret, and when I did the movies or the porn pictures I became Breezy Cummins."

Slowly, her story came out in a choked up fashion, "I was pretty tame in High School, partly because my parents scared me and made me cow-tow to their every instruction. I wanted to be a good girl and please everyone. I got good grades, and even graduated High School in the honor society and started college a year early – when I was seventeen."

Nadia brought us all bath towels she'd discovered in the various bathrooms. I wrapped one around Claire's bare shoulders. I still held her tightly to me, and I could tell she took comfort from my closeness.

Claire continued, "Anyway, as soon as I hit college I realized how oppressed I'd been. I mean I knew while it happened, but I ran into college classmates who really had a lot of freedom growing up, and it showed in how sophisticated they were, and how cool. They were all experienced in sex, and I was still a virgin. I wanted to change – to be more normal, but I went overboard."

"I developed a secret life from what my parents knew. To them, I was Miss Goody Two-Shoes and a good student. In reality, I developed a wild streak. I became a party girl. I somehow kept the drugs and alcohol under control, but everything else – the sex – went on with no holds barred. I know some of my friends thought I was a slut, but at the time I thought I even had that under control."

Claire took a deep breath and shuddered, and I could tell she'd started to pull away from the dark place her emotions had taken her moments earlier. I hugged her. She continued, "After one fraternity party – really an orgy where a bunch of us girls were fair game for every cock in the place, my friend Marge asked whether I wanted to make some extra money – a lot of it. She waxed on about how I had what it would take to do really well at whatever it was she was talking about – my age, my large natural breasts, my trim body, and even my hairstyle – I was a reddish brunette back then."

We nodded for her to continue.

"I told Marge it sounded interesting. I had been working part time as a waitress to earn some money so I wouldn't bankrupt my parents with tuition and my living expenses. If I could get a job that paid more, I'd do it." She sighed, "Oh, I was so naïve."

"Marge took me in hand the following week, and we drove into downtown LA. We walked into a makeshift movie studio, and there were several actors and actresses standing around nude or wearing just a towel. I was shocked, but tried to hide it. Marge introduced me to them as though their nudity was no big deal. They seemed to know her really well, were friendly to me, and she got happy welcomes from everyone. And then a guy named Andre came out from an office – he was the boss. Marge introduced me to him, and told him she thought I had what it took and so on. I still hadn't caught on; remember, I'd grown up very naïve about this part of life. Up to that point, I'd never even seen a porn film."

"Andre looked me over and asked me a few questions about my acting ability. Even with the nude people standing around, the set with a big bed in it and another with a sofa, and all these questions about my acting, would you believe I still didn't get it. I was so dense – so fucking dense." She rolled her eyes and another tear rolled down one cheek.

Crystal asked gently, "When did you catch on?"

Claire actually chuckled in the memory. "Andre asked whether Marge and I would do a scene with Jake, apparently one of the naked guys standing a few feet away. He went on, "We'll call it a screen test, but if it's any good we'll use it and, Honey, we'll pay you a couple of hundred bucks cash under the table.'"

"Well the idea of making a quick couple-of-hundred dollars rang my cash register. Working part time as a waitress, it would have taken me a whole week to make that, even with tips."

"Marge asked Andre how he wanted us to start. He said to her, 'Why don't the two of you be eating each other in a sixty-nine, when Jake comes in and finds you. Play with him, both of you suck him a bit, and then let Jake fuck both of you in a whole lot of different positions. The two of you keep up the lezzie side thing too, even sitting on each other's faces as he screws the one on the bottom. Just remember, after even Jake penetrates, everyone's pussy has to have something in it – tongue, cock, or fingers. You girls do each other.'"

Claire shook her head in disbelief, "All of sudden, I got IT. Everything clicked, and suddenly all the strange things going on at the studio made sense. At first, I felt shocked, but I tried not to show it. I bet I blushed a whole lot, but other than that, I played it cool. I had some decisions to make and fast. My brain was going a thousand miles an hour; I can still remember the sensation."

Ellen said, "So you decided to play."

Claire nodded "Yes. I joined Marge, and we stripped bare ass in front of all these people I'd never met. I kept telling myself that it wasn't too different from the little orgy at the fraternity weeks earlier. Some overweight but sexy girl I later learned was called a fluffer started to give Jake a blowjob to harden him up for us. Marge pulled me over to this big bed with a garish bedspread on it. I remember she asked me, 'Top or bottom?' I'd never been with a girl before, so I told her to pick, and seconds later I was on the bottom as Marge ate me out and stuck her pussy into my face."

Edie asked, "Did you like it?"

"Heck, yes. I loved sex. My hormones were raging. Even today, I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only suspected it then." She paused to collect her thinking. "Two guys with really fancy video cameras moved around us, filming the two of us from every angle. Marge would remind me to not look at the cameras and to focus on her or Jake, and to put on a great sex show for the cameras. After a while, I actually forgot about the cameras and just focused on the sex – the wonderful sex. Jake joined us, and we had a fabulous ménage a trois. I can still remember, he had a big cock and brought me to a couple of real orgasms. Eventually, he came in what Andre called the Money Shot – shooting his cum all over Marge's and my face. We licked and lapped at him with the cum running down our faces and then we cleaned each other with our tongues. I'd tasted cum before, so it was no big deal. Marge and I even snowballed for one camera, although I didn't know that was the name for what we did."

"After we ended, Andre came up to me and gently fingered my erect nipples while we talked. He said, 'Honey, we are going to make you a star. You can make a whole lot of money in this business – big money. Marge is right; you're a natural.'"

"With those words, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off FOUR-hundred dollar bills and gave them to me – twice what I'd expected if, and only if I did a good job. He had me sign a waiver of some kind so they could use the film they'd made of me. Andre asked when I could come back. I suddenly had some acting gigs – some with Marge and some with others I'd meet later."

I said to Claire, being careful to keep a happy lilt in my voice, "And thus was born the prettiest porn star of all time." I leaned in and kissed her.

Claire said, "Yeah, porn star and an escort – helping out in a side business Andre ran, or rather putting out in his side business."

Edie asked, "Did you stay in college?"

Claire grimaced and said, "Amazingly, yes, although my grades suffered greatly. The more money I made, the less time I spent studying; I graduated a year late. My parents were disappointed, but they knew I was working and trying to off-load some of the finances for them so they thought the extra time was due to my heavy work schedule. They were actually grateful; they just didn't know what I did to earn money. I never told them how much I made, but I was clearing enough to pay for school, living expenses, and still sock some away in investment accounts. I even bought my first car; Andre gave me an advance so I could get to the filming sessions without having to bum rides. My folks still thought I waitressed. I even had a friend take a picture of me pretending to carry a tray in a nice restaurant."

Ellen asked, "How long did you do this?"

"Seven years – from when I was eighteen until I was twenty-five."

Crystal asked, "Why'd you stop?"

Claire shook her head, "Several reasons. I started to feel too old, believe it or not. Guys want to see young eighteen or nineteen-year old chicks fucking, not some twenty-seven-year old, although I think that's changing. On a lot of the skin flicks we did, the feature increasingly became some little cunt actress that was only eighteen or so. Andre was very careful about the age of the young actresses; he checked their age several different ways before doing anything with them."

I said, "That age thing depends on the guy." I grinned at each of the women. Terry and the other men nodded in agreement.

Claire continued, "I'd fucked dozens of guys – maybe even hundreds, and supposedly they were all checked out –medically, I mean; nonetheless, I figured I was playing roulette with STDs and AIDS. To my knowledge, I was the only player who didn't contract something. I tried to be careful, washing a lot, douching, and stuff like that – even between scenes. I became obsessive about it and used strong detergents even though they made me sore or gave me a rash for a day after."

She went on, "Drug use was excessive, and sometimes hard to avoid. I've tried about everything, but avoided addictions unlike many of my co-workers. About ninety-percent of the people in the industry have a drug problem. I guess I was lucky on that count."

She thought for a few seconds and went on, "And then, there's how you feel about yourself. After a while, you realize you're just being used and objectified. One day you wake up, and all your friends are in the business, and they're all feeling the same way, and they find solace in drugs and booze, and then a couple contract AIDS, and a couple die of ODs. It's a vicious circle. The older girls start to take on clients instead of appear in films – the prostitutes, I mean."

Claire suddenly saddened again, "Lastly, about a year or two before I quit I got a big shock. Someone tipped off my parents what I was doing. I don't know who, but someone sent them one of my DVDs with a note. My parents were strict - too strict, and I know now I overdid all the freedom of choice I suddenly had and made some bad decisions, but I lost them."

Nadia asked, "What did your parents do?"

"My father and mother drove to my apartment one day when they knew I'd be home. The car was full of all the stuff that had been in my room at home – clothes, souvenirs from high school, books, and all – everything. They dumped it all on my doorstep before ringing the bell. When I answered the door, my father said to never talk to them again, never come home, and called me the worst whore and slut in the world. They turned and drove away. The schism hurt, but even then I didn't see it as a wake-up call. I kept at it for over another year. The money was irresistible."

Crystal asked, "How'd you get out? Wasn't it hard to leave?"

Claire said, "After college, I went full time in the industry. From start to end, I cranked out over eighty full-length videos, did magazines, strip clubs, sex shows, and all sorts of stuff. All this, coupled with getting into the high end of the escort business, and I made a lot of money in a short time. Some nights I cleared two-thousand dollars or more. I'm not rich, but I salted away some retirement money. I lived on the cheap, and for a while the two biggest pleasures were a rare orgasm on the set of some movie or with some escort client – one I didn't fake, and my growing investment account."

Claire looked at me when she told the next part of her story. "Jill Danes had a lot to do with my exit too. She'd actually hired an escort from Andre and got me. She had a hot date who had a brother in town who she wanted me to keep occupied while she made a score in the movie industry with her date. She wasn't the star she is today. While she fucked this producer to get a major part in one of her early films, I kept the brother occupied for the evening by fucking his brains out. Later that same night, we did a little sapphic show for the two men. Jill cums easily, and I faked a couple, but we had fun together. Jill cemented her film deal, and she and I became friends outside of my work. She soon became my mentor."

She went on, "I confided to Jill soon after we met that I wanted to get out the adult industry. By then, I'd been in the hospital, once with a torn up asshole and another time with a bruised cervix from a brutal fucking in my last film. I resolved to get out fast, so I quit the next day right after filming the last scene. I took my money and left. Fortunately, I had my bank account to fall back on. Many girls in the industry are sex slaves; they have no savings and no other job alternatives; they spend their money for drugs and booze; many are forced to live with some sleaze bag asshole because they can't afford rent."

Ellen asked full of curiosity, "What did Jill do for you?"

Claire smiled for the first time in a many minutes. "A lot! She got me a shrink right off, and I started therapy. If you'd asked me at the time if I needed counseling, I would have said 'No', but after I broke down in the first session I realized how screwed up mentally I'd become. I'd lost all my self-respect and sense of self-worth. Jill insisted that I keep going for six months; after that, I felt a lot better about myself and what I'd done. I kept going another eighteen months; I'd stopped therapy shortly before I met you guys. Jill paid for all of it."

Claire looked at each of us that knew Jill and went on, "Jill also worked with me on a complete makeover: she changed my style of dress from casual to chic. I used to dress up when I had an escort job, but Jill had me do it every day, continually – morning until bedtime. She even made me dress nicely to go to bed. She complimented me every day in so many ways. My self-image changed slowly, and so did my feeling of self-worth."

"Jill had me change my hair color to this red from reddish brunette to help reduce what she called my recognition factor. She coached me through a name change, and that helped me in my rebirthing too. We actually had a rebirth celebration one night at her home. I lived with her for a while, and she built up my ego and sense of value. We talked a lot; she was a girlfriend who had her act together. Of course, we had sex now and then, but not as much as you might think. We'd double date and talk about it afterwards; it was fun, and it wasn't bawdy. She was teaching me how to have sex, enjoy it, and not have recriminations afterwards. After a year, she paid for some plastic surgery to my face: raised my cheekbones, narrowed my nose, and squared-off my chin mostly; I think I'm prettier than I used to be. Today, you could study the films I made, but you'd have to really go over most of my body to be able to figure out that Claire Whitman used to be Breezy Cummins."

Edie leaned into the circle we'd formed and asked, "Why now? You've known Jim and Ellen for over six months, and everybody else for many weeks?"

Crystal added to the question, "All that, plus we just had a little orgy that would have made a great porn film while we had another one on the TV – Oh, dear, did that bother you?" I could sense genuine concern in her voice about Claire's well being.

Claire's eyes teared up again, but she didn't cry. "Oh, Crystal. No, all the fun we've had with sex doesn't bother me at all, to the contrary. What I felt from all of you ever since I met any of you has been love ... lots and lots of love. Sure, we rutted around tonight and had fun, and we've done stuff like this before too, but everyone cares for everyone else so much so that you can feel it in the air. We respect each other. That was rare in my old job."

Claire paused and added, "I love our group sex sessions. I don't mind the porn movies at all, and someday I'll show you mine. For a while, I couldn't talk about any of this; I just wanted to forget. Now, I'm more confident, and I guess don't need to suppress what I did."

She paused and answered Edie's question, "Why now? In the midst of our little orgy, I had a flashback to a film I'd done – a gangbang classic was what Andre called it. There was one other girl and about a sixteen guys, plus the crew who was supposed to join in if they weren't filming or doing the audio. No one cared about anyone else; there was no love or caring; not even a thought of concern for us two women. We were just holes in the bed for them to stick their cocks into and cum. So much different from what I felt tonight with all of you."

"You might not have been watching, but on the TV – that film – it reminded me of what I'd done. I mean, it made me horny, but I also remembered." She thought for a minute and added, "Talk about screwed up – I felt conflicted. It made me want to talk about it and to not have a secret any more – to not be Mysterious Claire."

"My flashback reminded me that telling you would only get harder the longer I waited. I've tried to muster courage over and over again since we got serious about each other – even before we went to Nicaragua, but I just couldn't ... the time never seemed right. I guess when you have a big secret, there is no right time."

I wrapped my arms more tightly around her; "Oh, Claire, we do love you so. We don't care what you've done in your past. We live in the now – this is where it's at. We know you love us, and we wouldn't take our love from you over something you did in your past. We just want you with us. Thank you for sharing and for opening up with us."

Crystal joined me from Claire's other side, and we packaged her between us and both kissed her cheeks still damp from her renewed tears. Claire just leaned into the two of us and shut her eyes. The tears silently rolled down her cheeks, nonetheless.

We spent the next day rehearsing for the concert. Crystal and I had been coached to not use our singing voices, and to save them for when we really wanted to belt out a song, so, many rehearsal songs were quiet whispering of the lyrics as we worked on our choreography on the stage. Terry, Dan, and a woman named Dee worked with us about our onstage moves.

We broke for drinks and dinner at five o'clock – three hours before concert time. The first twenty minutes would be handled by our opening band The Hobo Palace. In an aside, Terry confessed to me that he still had a soft spot in his heart for their lead singer – Cindy Wonder.