I saw a link to https://storiesonline.net/s/53269/awakening by https://storiesonline.net/a/Sasquatch_in_Fla and I wondered if anybody might have read it and have an opinion about it. It's been on the site almost 17 years and doesn't have a score.
The description says there's a bizarre twist at the end but the codes don't have any squicks. I wonder if the twist is so bizarre that nobody wanted to give it a score.
Lonny
You could always read it yourself and score it. When you score a story, it tells you the current score, even when hidden. But at just a tice over a thousand words, it's not going to be good, especially with the 'much sex' tag. The warning signs are all there, including it being the only story on that account.
EDIT: "When you score a story, it tells you the current score" No it doesn't.
I wonder if the twist is so bizarre that nobody wanted to give it a score.
It's more likely that the author set scoring to be switched off, and it's only the site's recent change of policy that means scoring is now enabled. Since you've publicised the story, it might get a few new readers and possibly earn a score too, despite being a very slight story.
Oddly enough, the author seems to have the story correctly tagged with 2nd POV.
AJ
It's more likely that the author set scoring to be switched off, and it's only the site's recent change of policy that means scoring is now enabled.
Not necessarily. I have three stories that are eleven years old and have 9, 11 and 13 votes. Voting has always been switched on and the current vote scores are all under six, so no-one is missing anything...LOL
so bizarre that nobody wanted to give it a score
Rather, it's the 2nd pow. That's borderline unreadable at the best of examples, and usually not worth the effort. And now it's premiere, so, for example I couldn't look at if I wanted.
Rather, it's the 2nd pow.
Plus, the POV character is female. Making the second person POV is even harder for male readers.
Okay, I bit.
Not overly bad (I have read a lot worse and some may point out that I have written worse!). But the writer does lose control of the POV often. For instance, "We lay there for what seams an eternity before even moving, and when we do move I feel my semi-soft cock slide out of you." There are a few uses of words that would qualify for the miss-used words thread. 'Seams' instead of 'seems' as in the quoted example above.
Way too many uses of the word 'You'. It gets irritating quickly.
"changing into what you are wearing to bed," Eurgh!
"You awaken once more in a cold sweat," I don't know about anyone else, but I normally associate cold sweat with fear. If I awoke in a cold sweat, it's because I had a nightmare. If I had a pleasurable dream (which she has just awoken from) it would not be in a cold sweat.
"when suddenly you feel my wrap my arms about you again" Obviously that should be 'me', however there was no previous wrapping of arms, so the 'again' is not needed.
"My mouth has found your neck and is licking and nibbling upon it, my hands caressing your breasts" Loses control of the POV again.
"This last for what you think" Self-explanatory.
"I start to pump my fingers" Loses the POV again.
"We are walking out of the park now, it is close to dark and we started that 3-mile trail at close to 10am" That's just horrible prose, makes me wonder if they are snails…
"I walk you to the car, and open the door for you." POV is all over the place, and obviously, they are not snails. Which is a little disappointing.
The next chapter is all 'I' this and 'I' that. Way too many of them.
For those desperate to know the 'bizarre' twist ending, it's…. (drum roll)…
"You finally wake up, rested and relaxed. But you now can smell the fragrance of roses even stronger. Looking about you can now see in the soft light of morning a vase on your dresser with 6 beautiful roses, and a card. The card reads, Hope you had Sweet Dreams Love, signed Your Lover"
Not even a full stop to finish. Maybe that is the twist….
Oh, I have to correct my earlier statement about being told the score when you vote. I'm sure that used to be a thing, but obviously not, as no score was given when I voted.
I think a story needs to have 20 votes before a score is shown, a quick look at the "New Stories" showed one with 26 so it looks as though 20 is still the magic number.
Like many here, I was curious and started reading it when the OP was posted. But I stopped almost immediately. 2nd-POV isn't my thing. And to compound it, present tense isn't my thing.
But, as you pointed out, it's not 2nd-pov. There's no "I" and "we" and "me" in 2nd-pov. It's basically roll playing — you did this, I did that, you did this.
Yeah, I read it over and it reminded me of a comment a friend made years ago about a badly written RPG:
"Don't tell me what I feel."
The story starts as 2nd person, but it's not actually 2nd person POV. It's 1st person with the narrator describing what the 2nd person feels. That can work if it focuses on the physical, eg "you feel my fingers passing lightly over your skin," but it's a problem when it strays into feelings and dreams.
Very off-putting.
