Forum: Editors/Reviewers Hangout

Would not "a well-dressed, shapely redhead" have sufficed?

My opinion, to the extent that the detailed description of clothes in the OP may be a bit much, reducing it to "well-dressed" goes too far in the other direction. Is she wearing a no-nonsense pant-suit? a sexy dress? casual clothes? Either omit any mention at all of what she's wearing or at least give a general style.

Unless those specific items of clothing are important in the rest of the story, why are they even mentioned?
And the makeup, as well, since many, if not most, women wear some. And someone can detect a "subtle application of makeup", but not be sure of the color of eyes?

Would not "a well-dressed, shapely redhead" have sufficed?

"a well-dressed shapely redhead" is telling not showing.

She is an important secondary character, indicated (or at least hinted at) by the detailed description. Furthermore, the characters are about to get snowed in. While she is a somewhat frequent guest and sometimes stays over; her appearance will suffer for lack of wardrobe, and the cosmetics she has at home. show this later in the story.}

She is a "Chekov's Gun" because she is described more than several main characters, thus it should be expected she will be important later in the story.

An observant person, for that matter, many people, can tell when someone is not wearing any make, or is wearing makeup. Most teen girls tend to use makeup too heavily. So, this is a subtle indication that she has learned how to apply makeup in a subtle manner, not "trowel it on" as too many teen girls tend to. Again, I am showing sophistication/maturity beyond what would be expected for a teen her age.

If you know what to look for, makeup can be discerned from across a room, sometimes further. For some variations of Blue - Gray, can be difficult to differentiate, or Hazel - Green - Brown eyes, might also be difficult to differentiate, even from just a few feet.

For some variations of Blue - Gray, can be difficult to differentiate, or Hazel - Green - Brown eyes, might also be difficult to differentiate, even from just a few feet.

Just to second on this... indeed, where I live (right next to the world's blondnes epicenter) the "default" eye color of most is pale grayish-greenish-blue that may appear as blue or green depending on lights and surrounding colors, especially including makeup that correctly applied is next to invisible otherwise.

In my attempts of writing I do things like gush about how surprisingly green a girl's eyes are tonight, on a girl the first person narrator supposedly knows for years.

Actual "real" green eyes are very rare and as such cherished, while brown are "foreign" (Russian) up to a racial taboo laden exotic appeal, but disqualifying for serious romantic interest.

Also, totally agree about the clothing. The broad dress "styles" suggested tell me absolutely nothing, being a non-American.

Also, totally agree about the clothing. The broad dress "styles" suggested tell me absolutely nothing, being a non-American.

Different parts of the USA, let alone the rest of the world, there are subtleties of attire that might not be understood, or at least not obvious to people from elsewhere.

In this circumstance, that is not really necessary. I believe that it will be obvious as the story goes on that this character's nice appearance degrades during her enforced (by snow) stay, and the impact that has on her emotionally. It's not a "drastic" change, but I think it will be noticeable. Appearance often denotes emotional state.

To me, when a character is described in greater detail than others, it is similar to a camera zooming in on a character. A cue that a particular character is going to be important to the story.

Thank you for your comment about eyes, that is how I perceive things too.

Thanks for the suggestions Mat! I intend to use most of them. I didn't specify "breasts" because I presume that since I was describing her bust it was obvious I was describing breast size. (Any other opinions on if I should specify breasts?) I will specify "I couldn't quite tell her eye color from this distance."

[What did the contortion involve?]

Just prior to this paragraph the MC spoke to someone using an intercom. They just told him to enter, and didn't respond to his request for assistance bringing in groceries.

So, when the sound of his boots (it is expected people remove their boots/shoes before entering the house proper), and he then looks into the room, she was initially only going to glance to see who it is. When she doesn't recognize him, and when she is intrigued by his large build; as well as his facial appearance (he has several scars, not obvious from that distance, but they do lend "character" to his face).

[What did the contortion involve?]

She was reclined on the couch, her feet tucked under her, sort of watching the guys playing video games. Initially she just turned her head. She probably should have just stood up, but she didn't want to indicate how interested she was becoming... I don't know if you have, but I have "contorted" myself, when just turning my head wasn't enough, I figured that just turning my torso, then arching my back, then... until I might as well have been playing Twister. This is more common in our teens and twenties when we are more flexible.

Thank you for your examples.

I had presumed that Bust was a word meaning a pair of breasts, that it at least implied two breasts. Your examples, and several other comments have nudged me into making that change, even if I did not initially believe that part of the paragraph needed changing.

Thanks again Mat.

With hindsight, I now recognize that a significant issue is that I tend to write in the Present Tense, but sometimes interject Past Tense verbs. It doesn't quite sound correct "to my ear"

As far as I know, a Present Tense sentence may have a Past Tense verb, such as: I was driving down a road I had driven down many times before.

Most of the guides I use for self-editing focus on Past Tense. Also, the folks who read through my stories before posting, mostly read only parts at a time. So, each part may be in a particular tense, but I sometimes inadvertently switch tenses.

I enjoy reading Louis L'Amour and Tom Clancy, who bot, often write in the Present Tense, but also tend to switch to Past Tense mid paragraph. Such as when Jack Ryan is about to be transferred to the Red October from a hovering helicopter. Observing the submarine below in the storm tossed Atlantic, Jack has a brief flashback to a helicopter crash he had been in when he was a Marine, then back to him swinging on the cable above the deck of the sub.

When I am caught up in the story, I don't notice the tenses.

Problem is I am not as good a writer as Misters Clancy or L'Amour. But I am caught up in my own story I am telling, and too often don't notice when I have incorrectly switched tenses.

I want my readers to be metaphorically "looking over the shoulder" of my PoV character and not hearing a story later.

I am driving down a road I have driven down many times before.

Thank you for catching my mistaken "was" that should have been am. I was focused upon the word driven being in the appropriate Tense, even in a Present Tense sentence. Thanks for the response AJ.