Please read. Significant change on the site that will affect compatibility [ Dismiss ]
Home ยป Forum ยป Editors/Reviewers Hangout

Forum: Editors/Reviewers Hangout

Mushroom's Blog

richardshagrin ๐Ÿšซ

There is a lot of information about changes/additions to his writing in his latest Blogs. I wrote him, others who like his work, and maybe even some who don't probably should consider communicating with him, too. I attempted some humor. Perhaps a very weak attempt.

Mushroom is a fun guy. (Maybe spelled fungi.)
Mush is mostly a breakfast food. A room for mush is probably not necessary. Perhaps a kitchen?

A U P date sounds kind of Republican. They are the Go P politicians. They capitalize the O for some reason, the G O P. They may be full of shit, unlike the Democrap party, which shits. Elimination of politics, or at least politicians, probably would be a good idea, but we need to get rid of both Pee and Shit, unless colectomy is in your future. Do you need a colostomy bag after a colectomy? Perhaps, and then you don't shit. You may still go on dates.

Unless you eat them, they are a kind of fruit. "As an energy-rich snack that can be consumed daily, dates are high in calories and easy to overeat in one sitting. Apart from having an excellent nutrition profile, dates are high in fiber which is important for our overall health, benefits digestive health by promoting regular bowel movements, provide various antioxidants that help reduce the risk of several diseases and also help in improving the brain function."

So eat dates and don't be full of shit. You don't Pee dates you shit them. So U P date is wrong.

Writing may be a homonym. Write, right and rite sound alike. I go to a pharmacy named Rite Aid. They don't aid people with rites. They probably won't help you with Writing or your Rights. Of course most drugstores are lies. Walgreens doesn't have green walls. CVS is Devious (DVS). A local Western Washington chain, Bartells, doesn't tell you anything about Bars.

Keep writing but you don't need to change Okinawa. I already reviewed it. I liked it.

awnlee jawking ๐Ÿšซ

@richardshagrin

Keep writing but you don't need to change Okinawa. I already reviewed it.

If it changes too radically, will you rereview it?

AJ

Mushroom ๐Ÿšซ

@richardshagrin

Actually, I had long ago decided that when I do finish revising it, I will post it as a separate story. Still undecided, but am considering the title "Okinawa Revisited".

And a lot of that is I am planning on ebooking it, and hopefully with that can help kill off the stolen copies I keep finding on some places (at least 2 last check on Amazon). Plus, there are simply things I wrote in that in 1997, that are not really "acceptable" anymore.

Plus, I am expanding it a bit more. When I originally posted it on ASSTR, it was actually a rather long story. But today, it is rather short. I will be making some minor tonal changes in the relationships, and make the characters more three-dimensional.

But yes, I am leaving the original in place, untouched. I read it about a month ago before starting to revise it, and saw quite a few things I just did not like in it. Plus I fleshed out the 2 main characters a bit in "Country Boy, City Girl Book II", even though both only made cameos. And the timeline was rather lose, and I want to tighten that up a bit more also.

But it is still an interesting artifact of erotica on the Internet, circa 1997. When most stories were 3-10k in length, and could be read in just a few minutes.

Mushroom ๐Ÿšซ

@richardshagrin

Keep writing but you don't need to change Okinawa. I already reviewed it. I liked it.

As an FYI, I finally finished going over it a final time and posted it tonight.

About 90% of it is the same, mostly it was a lot of clean-up, some tonal changes (Mike is a bit less of an asshole), and moving a few things around. Like making it more clear that early on, Mike notices that "Annie" would speak a badly fractured almost comically bad and outdated "Broken Hooker English", then speak almost fluently. He noticed it in the original, but I was not all that clear about it. Mostly it is little things like that that have little impact on the actual encounter.

And I did post it as "Okinawa: Revisited". The original is still there and intact, with no changes. Think of it as having in your DVD collection both the original "Godfather Part III", as well as "The Godfather Coda: The Death of Michael Corleone". Or the original "Superman II", as well as "Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut". The originals are still good, but the director later got a chance to put in some changes they wish they could have had in the story originally.

But this is not like the "Star Wars Trilogy", and "Star Wars Special Edition", where Lucas went through his original with a chainsaw and made huge changes (like Han not shooting first).

Replies:   GreyWolf  StarFleet Carl
GreyWolf ๐Ÿšซ

@Mushroom

Whereas, when other people go through some films (looking at you, 'The Phantom Menace') with a chainsaw and make huge changes, they're often better :)

Han not shooting first was awful.

Replies:   Michael Loucks
Michael Loucks ๐Ÿšซ

@GreyWolf

Han not shooting first was awful.

And effectively destroyed an important part of the storyline - would the self-interested, amoral rogue return to 'save the day'.

Replies:   GreyWolf
GreyWolf ๐Ÿšซ

@Michael Loucks

That's part of what my response was shorthand for. Han should be amoral and self-interested for the most part. It's who he is. He shouldn't be someone with a moral code who requires him to shoot second when it's a life-or-death situation and someone's about to be shooting.

Also - he's hyper-competent, of course (as are many of the characters). A hyper-competent smuggler/outlaw/rogue didn't get that way by shooting second.

Spielberg pulled a similar stunt with E.T., but at least that didn't break the plot as much. Both are inferior to the originals. Watch the originals, or the edits that pull as much of the good stuff out of the remasters while still preserving the story.

Replies:   Dominions Son
Dominions Son ๐Ÿšซ

@GreyWolf

Han should be amoral and self-interested for the most part. It's who he is.

But he couldn't be completely amoral and self-interested or he never would have joined the rebellion.

Also - he's hyper-competent, of course (as are many of the characters). A hyper-competent smuggler/outlaw/rogue didn't get that way by shooting second.

It wouldn't matter how competent or fast he was, eventually he'd meet someone faster who would manage to shoot first.

Also from what I recall seeing on why Lucas made the changes he did, while the original edits ended up leaving it looking like Han shot first, that was not Lucas's original vision for the scene.

Lucas wasn't just the producer and director, he was the author of the screen play.

That you think the movie was better with Han shooting first has no relevance.

Replies:   Mushroom
Mushroom ๐Ÿšซ

@Dominions Son

Also from what I recall seeing on why Lucas made the changes he did, while the original edits ended up leaving it looking like Han shot first, that was not Lucas's original vision for the scene.

Lucas wasn't just the producer and director, he was the author of the screen play.

Actually, Page 52 of the shooting script even shows that Han shot first. In fact, the shooting script makes no mention of Greedo ("Alien") shooting at all.

Also, the Marvel version of the movie was based on the shooting script and it had Han shoot first. And an alternate take without effects shows Han shooting first.

This is the problem when changes are made without thought. Lucas was not as involved as a lot of people thing. His name got attached to everything, but much of the work was actually done by others.

And Lucas did not write the shooting script, nor the novelization. He handed all of his thousands of pages off to Allan Dean Foster, so he could turn the mess of a rambling concept into a cohesive story.

StarFleet Carl ๐Ÿšซ

@Mushroom

The originals are still good, but the director later got a chance to put in some changes they wish they could have had in the story originally.

And then sometimes the originals were just sort of 'meh' and the Director Cut was MUCH better.

Snyder Cut of Justice League versus the Wheedon Justice League that was originally released. I understand WHY they pulled Snyder - he was seriously messed up emotionally because of his daughter's suicide. But finding that Joss completely changed the story, totally gutting the Cyborg origin story that HAD already been filmed, and then adding that cutesy ending with the flowers growing ... ugh!

I think the best compliment that I can give the Snyder Cut is that it's a good Marvel Movie. And yes, I know those are DC characters - but of course, DC movies tend to suck, because they simply can't stop with the reboots instead of a continuous timeline.

And yes, Han shot first.

Replies:   Mushroom
Mushroom ๐Ÿšซ

@StarFleet Carl

And yes, Han shot first.

Which is one thing I tried to remember as I did this edit.

I still on occasion get fan mail from Okinawa, impressive after over 25 years. But some things I was not happy with, as I go back every year or so and read it again.

Mike in the original was a bit of an asshole. So I toned that down, making about the only times his more dominant personality came out was in obvious play. Mostly the inverse with Itsuko as "Annie". And making it more obvious she enjoyed it also, as she now quite often instigates it (I think it was almost always at his instigation in the original).

Also, the way things with Blanca played out. I got comments on that, and realized they were right. Saying he wanted to help her with her sex addiction issue, then making her one of his whores was not cool. So I had her resolve that, but was later forced into it for economic reasons and to help her family.

Also, the way Itsu was speaking was intended at the start, and I implied that he picked up that she was speaking in an almost comically bad "Asian Prostitute" style style, but then while talking would forget and start to talk almost proper English. I made that a lot more obvious in this version, more "in your face" as the original was a bit to subtle that he did catch it.

I forget what, but I know I moved around some huge sections also, almost entire chapters to make it flow better also. I actually started this over a year ago, and have not read the original since then. But as one of my typical things when editing, I will work on it for a while, then when finished step back for a few weeks to a month. Then repeat it all over again. Each time catching more things then making some more changes.

Very different from how I write most of my longer stories, a chapter at a time.

awnlee jawking ๐Ÿšซ

@richardshagrin

There's a weird sort of symmetry:

mushrooms grow on logs

blogs grow on Mushrooms

;-)

AJ

Back to Top

Close
 

WARNING! ADULT CONTENT...

Storiesonline is for adult entertainment only. By accessing this site you declare that you are of legal age and that you agree with our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.


Log In