Forum: Editors/Reviewers Hangout

I don't see anything i what you wrote to justify that - it could be 3rd person omni with atrocious dialogue tagging.

It is omni, but still head-hopping because in omni the only POV character is the omni narrator. He can tell you what a character is thinking, but the author can't write the thoughts as if the character is thinking them. That's head-hopping — but that's not what I'm talking about here.

I'll make something up to show you.

The kitchen was messy with dishes. Joe and Sally had just finished eating.

"Full?" Sally asked.

"Yeah, it was great."

"Don't you ever do that again."

Wendy splashed Steve by cupping her hands in the lake and shoving a sheet of water at him.

"Okay, I'll never do it again."

See what the author does? He jumped to a new scene in a different place with different characters. This quick example might sound ridiculous, but that's what he actually does.

Definitely needs an editor to fix that scene break.

I wouldn't call it head hopping.

AJ

I wouldn't call it head hopping.

I didn't. I called it "head-hopping gone amuk." :-)

The author has no concept of scenes or scene breaks. In his mind, he moved on to another scene. He just didn't tell the reader. That's why I sent this to editors.

Thanks for the clarification.

There were a lot of those in a novel I read on SOL recently. And a lot of other issues too - characters changing names and ages (no sex, so no underage issues). The author thanked an editor for making the story more polished.

It was a very good story, attaining a high (but not stellar) rating.

AJ

Your example has no head-hopping

The actual story did.

Head-hopping is jarring to the reader because you're jumping from one head to the other. This story is very jarring to the reader because it jumps from head to head but also with characters not expected (scene change) so I called it "head-hopping gone amuck."

He jumped to a new scene in a different place with different characters

When I'm writing the first draft of a story and reach a scene break, I usually leave multiple blank lines before starting the next scene. Later, when I come back to tidy up the story, I decide whether to make it a SOL scene break (eg a line of 5 asterisks) or a new chapter or use some other linking method.

If the original author worked the same way as me but either the SOL scene break didn't exist at that time or the author didn't know about it, wouldn't SOL convert the multiple blank lines into a single blank line, thus resembling a new paragraph (as required by those who follow the rule of one speaker per paragraph)?

AJ

wouldn't SOL convert the multiple blank lines into a single blank line, thus resembling a new paragraph

If that happened it would account for it.

I hope you're right. I've never seen that type of error before, especially so blatant. As I said, the writing is pretty good. Gets lay/laid wrong all the time and has typos and missing words in sentences, but it's mostly good, descriptive writing. So let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's still something editors should watch out for.

I've scene dead tree published books out of one of the major publishers with almost no scene transitions.

There must have been something. It's basic in publishing.

What is a "dialogue tag"?

"Joe said" is a dialogue tag.

to indicate when the POV was shifting. So that the reader would not be suddenly confused

In this case it wasn't only the POV. It was the place and time also. One minute you're with Char-A and Char-B in school and the next paragraph has Char-C and maybe Char-A or some other character in church. A true scene change with no warning.

I really liked the story. As I told the author, if he hadn't hooked me in the beginning I would have quit reading the first time he committed that confusing thing. And I surely would have quit reading when it got worse if not that I enjoyed the plot.