@Ernest Bywater
While talking about reviews I notice there isn't a review of Shiloh.
I have to admit that's one of the stories that has a good score, is of a genre that I enjoy, and I have started reading it & tried to get in to it about 3 times; but I just can't do it due to the way it is written (I think I got about as far as chapter 8 or so).
Part of it is the lack of dialogue, and that we're being told what is happening and we're not a part of it.
The biggest part is the way the dialogue that is there, and the description of what's happening, is written- the tense (tenses?) just seem awkward eg from Ch8.
Robert has no problems with the directions, and in less than thirty minutes he's back at CyberFun. Parking in the rear where Kyle directed, he brings in the cooked batch of wings and notifies the kitchen staff he's back. Three young men and a girl go with him to get the rest of what he picked up.
Once the car is empty Robert leaves to join his son in the front, but on the way he notices a significant transformation has occurred.
Would be easier to read (for want of a better description) if done this way.
Robert had no problems with the directions, and in less than thirty minutes was back at CyberFun. Parking at the rear where Kyle suggested, he brought in the cooked batch of wings and let the kitchen staff know he was back. Three young men and a girl went back to the car with him to get the rest of what he had picked up.
Once the car was empty Robert went to join his son out the front, but on the way he noticed a significant transformation had occurred.
Dialogue,
Robert finally reaches Kyle, and finds him talking to a couple of the employees. Kyle senses a presence, looks up and asks, "Any problems?"
"None, except I suspect we might need to get some more food before the day's over."
Kyle replies, "Well, the game will be over in less than an hour. If we win, then I'd agree. If we lose, most of this crowd will disappear, and we'll be in a mad rush to reset the game rooms for those who want to bury their loss in cyber activity. Let's go back to the office and get a bite to eat. I'll get Sara to cover the front for a few minutes."
Would be easier to read (for want of a better description) if done this way.
Finally reaching Kyle, Robert found him talking to a couple of the employees.
Sensing a presence, Kyle looked up and asked, "Any problems?"
"None, except I suspect we might need to get some more food before the day's over."
"Well, the game will be over in less than an hour." Kyle replied. "If we win, then I'd agree. If we lose, most of this crowd will disappear, and we'll be in a mad rush to reset the game rooms for those who want to bury their loss in cyber activity. Let's go back to the office and get a bite to eat. I'll get Sara to cover the front for a few minutes."