Forum: Author Hangout

Terse and terser ...

Paige Hawthorne 🚫

When I'm reading a wordsmith like Robert B. Parker, I find myself trying to emulate his succinct, yet expressive style. He can describe a scene, or paint a portrait, using so few brush strokes.

Here's one example from my latest story — "Hide & Seek" — where Winter knocks on a door …

"You may as well come in."

"Thank you."

"He's in the basement. He's always in the basement."

***************************

What I tried to imply was a pinched personality — a lack of warmth, a dearth of empathy.

Any of you guys like to do more with less?

Paige

Replies: Dominions Son Vincent Berg Switch Blayde

Dominions Son 🚫
Updated:

@Paige Hawthorne

Any of you guys like to do more with less?

Not me. I work in a field (IT) where the idea of do more with less is very popular with management. However, the reality is that you almost always end up doing less.

I'm a just right kind of guy. In my opinion being either deliberately verbose or deliberately terse will almost always make a story less than it could have been.

Let's evaluate your sample.

What I tried to imply was a pinched personality

Sorry, without more, I don't get that implication from this.

But then I live in the Upper Midwest of the US. Full basements here are almost universal, and finished basements, finished as living space, not utility or storage space, are not uncommon, especially in newer houses. So I can easily imagine a basement as a warm inviting place.

I get two possible images from it as is.

1. He has some kind of hobby workspace in the basement, implication: obsessive rather pinched.

2. Finished, furnished basement man cave. well stocked bar, massive entertainment center with the largest TV he can afford. He probably has male friends and acquaintances down there on a regular basis.

Replies: Vincent Berg

Vincent Berg 🚫
Updated:

@Dominions Son

I get two possible images from it as is.

1. He has some kind of hobby workspace in the basement, implication: obsessive rather pinched.

DS, I think she was referring to the wife's responses of "You may as well come in" and "He's in the basement. He's always in the basement" rather than the fact that her husband is in the basement.

Replies: Dominions Son

Dominions Son 🚫
Updated:

@Vincent Berg

to the wife's responses of

From that perspective, about the wife's emotions, for me, as is, it could be read far more negatively than the author intended, more loathing than a lack of empathy.

ETA: Unless you use emotionally charged words, dialog can not by itself convey emotion. You need things that aren't carried in the words themselves, facial expressions, body language, and/or tone of voice for that.

Replies: Vincent Berg

Vincent Berg 🚫
Updated:

@Dominions Son

to the wife's responses of …

From that perspective, about the wife's emotions, for me, as is, it could be read far more negatively than the author intended, more loathing than a lack of empathy.

I read it as I assume Paige intended, namely that the wife is peeved that her hubby is continually hidden away in the basement, working away rather than helping out around the house. Though I agree that the usage is a bit nebulous and open to interpretation, which is why I suggested adding action attributions, as it allows you to 'show' how the character responds. As they say, describing a character's actions is worth a thousand words (even though it'll add a hundred more to your story).

But I agree with you about the 'emotionally charged words', which is why I suggested using 'action attributions' (actions which not only identify who's speaking, but also describe what's physically happening in order to identify who's speaking. If you throw in a few of those every now and then, it not only reduces the number of "he said"/"she said" attributions, it also allows you to flesh out the story and detail (i.e. show) how the characters respond.

I decided maybe some folks need to see a specific example, rather than one invented on the fly (with their own faults). Here's a passage from my newest book:

"Holy Mother Mary, Joseph, and his favorite pet donkey!" Paul finally turned away from the blank wall over his shoulder. "You weren't kidding, were you?"

"Why would I? You were honest with me when you had no reason to." Peg climbed over the bed, escaping at its foot. "By the way, thanks for defending me." Reaching out, she helped him escape the fluffy, green quilted bed. "You could've been killed."

You'll note in that passage, I didn't use either "Paul said" or "Peg said", or even "Paul exclaimed", but instead used their actions/responses to better describe their emotions. As such, action 'identifiers' are often a handy tool for including needed descriptions into the story making it obvious.

Replies: Dominions Son

Dominions Son 🚫

@Vincent Berg

As such, action 'attributions' are often a handy introducing your needed descriptions into the story without it appearing obvious.

Agreed.

Vincent Berg 🚫

@Paige Hawthorne

What I tried to imply was a pinched personality — a lack of warmth, a dearth of empathy.

A LOT of 'Show, Don't Tell' boils down to descriptions. Not the, "he worried", but descriptions of the character's facial expressions, their reactions, or any nervous tics. Though it's NOT an easy technique to develop. Despite struggling with it over the years, I only have a standard set of responses (per emotion) after all this time.

If you want to be terse, rather than wasting a full paragraph on each Show, just pare it down to a succinct action verb:

"That dress is way too short, young lady!"

Emma glanced down, shrugged and lifted her skirt, exposing even more of her legs. "If you say so, though I was trying to constrain myself."

However, I've been working to write tersely for years. My story posting now, Building a Nest of Our Own, is a horrible example. Between introducing entirely new concepts, including explaining the difference between mark matter and dark energy, it also has to re-explain everything that happened in the previous two books. So the writing quickly becomes a bit tedious.

My newest book, The Holes Binding Us Together, is completely different, though. Since I'm dealing with young kids, with one pretending to be even younger than she is, I got to play around, not just with their voices but with using very succinct language, also having to dump most of my vocabulary in the process.

The results were eye-opening, especially when you compare the sentences between the kids and those of the adults surrounding them. However, the situation in the story forces them to grow up way too soon, so their language grows progressively longer over the course of the book.

I've also noticed that most of the Great and/or Popular authors are masters, not just of word play, but of 'quotable responses', which require brevity. Think of it as reducing an angry curse by two-thirds, while also making it both funny and memorable. I'm still working on that, but learning how to pare down someone's language to make it terser is a major step in the process.

Switch Blayde 🚫

@Paige Hawthorne

Any of you guys like to do more with less?

Absolutely.

(how's that for a terse response?)

Replies: Vincent Berg

Vincent Berg 🚫

@Switch Blayde

Any of you guys like to do more with less?

Absolutely.

(how's that for a terse response?)

Either "Sure" or "Yep" are even terser!

Replies: richardshagrin

richardshagrin 🚫

@Vincent Berg

even terser

Ya is only 2 letters, it may be tersest. Or Da if you want a foreign word fairly well recognized.

Replies: Dominions Son

Dominions Son 🚫

@richardshagrin

Ya is only 2 letters, it may be tersest.

Y is only one letter.

Replies: richardshagrin Vincent Berg

richardshagrin 🚫

@Dominions Son

Y is only one letter.

But does it mean "yes"? And maybe "Ya" should be written "Yah" so that one isn't tersest. Just nodding your head may involve the least language. Although not all nations recognize that as an affirmative.

"Shaking the head usually indicates confusion or lack of comprehension. In several nearby countries like Greece and Albania, shaking one's head can actually mean yes. As to countries which practice the usual nod/shake arrangement, nodding likely originated as an informal bow."

Replies: Dominions Son awnlee jawking

Dominions Son 🚫

@richardshagrin

But does it mean "yes"?

awnlee jawking 🚫

@richardshagrin

And maybe "Ya" should be written "Yah"

God, of course it should be written the Yahway ;)

AJ

Vincent Berg 🚫

@Dominions Son

Ya is only 2 letters, it may be tersest.

Y is only one letter.

Or "Ey" in Canadian.

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Terse and terser ...

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