Forum: Author Hangout

Make your writing crisp

Switch Blayde 🚫

I'm reading a story that is really well written. But the author does stuff that I believe weakens the writing so I thought I'd point it out here for others to learn from (or disagree). He wrote:

"Yes," she said, which surprised me. When she recognized my surprised look, she grinned. "If you're asking if girls think about sex as much as boys, I'd have to say yes, maybe more so, but…

I believe it's redundant to have both "which surprised me" and "recognized my surprised look" and would have been much crisper to have written:

"Yes." When she recognized my surprised look, she grinned. "If you're asking if girls think about sex as much as boys, I'd have to say yes, maybe more so, but…

Replies: Jim S Dominions Son

Jim S 🚫

@Switch Blayde

I haven't written anything here (yet), but I can't help but agree with you. Hemingway is one of my gods when I think of authors. And I've tried to pattern my writing after his succinct style, even in my business writing.

To see prose with more words than is absolutely necessary to make the point is, to me, the sign of lazy self editing. I believe endless rewrites produces good prose. Hemingway is reputed to have revised The Old Man And The Sea 200 times before he finally released it. It shows. At least IMHO.

Remus2 🚫

"Yes," she said, which surprised me. When she recognized my surprised look, she grinned.

I would have stated it like this;

She said "yes," while grinning at my surprised look.

I do agree the original was a bit redundant.

Dominions Son 🚫
Updated:

@Switch Blayde

I'm not a fan of verbal minimalism for it's own sake. However, in this specific case I have to agree. Redundancies should be avoided.

She said "yes," while grinning at my surprised look.

This implies he already had a surprised look before she responded. But the context dictates that his surprised look was a reaction to her response.

I would go with:

"Yes." she said and grinned at my surprised look.

Replies: Remus2

Remus2 🚫

@Dominions Son

Different opinions. The actions should be read as coextensive to my mind.

Jason Samson 🚫

Disagree :)

I don't have a problem with the original snippet at all, nor the story it is in. I searched to find it, and read the paras around it, and it reads just fine. Now I'll have to go read the whole book :)

Replies: Switch Blayde awnlee jawking Vincent Berg Switch Blayde

Switch Blayde 🚫

@Jason Samson

Now I'll have to go read the whole book :)

I'm only up to Month 3/Chapter 17, but it's worth the read. I think the boy's dialogue doesn't fit his age, but the story is really well written. i do like the boy's voice as a 1st-person narrator.

As to your disagreement with me, that's fine. People like different styles. For me, when I read the second "surprised" I said to myself, "He just told me that."

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Jason Samson

When she recognized my surprised look

I think the author's version details the sequence of events:

girl says yes
boy is surprised and shows it
girl recognises the surprised look

But the author's repeated use of 'surprised' looks clumsy.

AJ

Vincent Berg 🚫
Updated:

@Jason Samson

I don't have a problem with the original snippet at all, nor the story it is in. I searched to find it, and read the paras around it, and it reads just fine. Now I'll have to go read the whole book :)

It's not that what he wrote is wrong, but redundant means "duplicating what was already said", and it's simply inefficient (i.e. why say the same things twice, once it's already been established?).

Personally, I'd go with:

"Yes," she said, grinning as I spit out my drink.

There are other, non-explicit ways, of showing surprise. You provide the verbal cues, and the readers make the connections themselves, which helps to pull them into the story (though this isn't an optimal example of it).

Switch Blayde 🚫
Updated:

@Jason Samson

Now I'll have to go read the whole book :)

Did you read it? I'm about to give up on the story.

It was really good in the beginning. You felt the protagonist's insecurity and innocence and growing up pains. Then he gets bigger, grows a big dick, and has all the confidence in the world. Now he gets any girl he wants and basically gets anything he wants.

That's why I don't read long stories on SOL. Even when they start out good, they go on and on when the story should have ended.

I get who he will end up with at the end and the lesson he'll learn from it, but that's not enough to keep reading. I'll try a little more and then decide.

Replies: Jason Samson Vincent Berg

Jason Samson 🚫

@Switch Blayde

No, I turned to the first page and quickly lost interest. Not the kind of story I read.

I like the writing style, repetition and all, but not that genre.

Vincent Berg 🚫

@Switch Blayde

That's why I don't read long stories on SOL. Even when they start out good, they go on and on when the story should have ended.

Choosing a decent ending is often the hardest aspect of a book. In the infamous words of Mickey Spillane: "The first chapter sells the book; the last chapter sells the next book."

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Forum: Author Hangout

Make your writing crisp

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