Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
This is my first contribution:
An Englishman and a Frenchman are talking about the monarchy.
The Englishman says, "But don't you agree it works well in practice?"
The Frenchman replies, "Yes, but it doesn't work in theory."
- John Sergeant, British journalist
That's normal, it's a brexit joke. The british proposal to the EU is an impratical monstruous shamble simply ignoring the problems. UK want us to beleive it could work, at least praticaly... Despite the theory predicting abuse and failure. They need to reunify Ireland, free scotland and we'll move on to discuss the scotland border problem :)
it's a brexit joke.
The entire Tory party has a death wish at the moment, apart from the no-deal gang who wish for death, and the entire country is destroying itself arguing over which foreigners are to blame for their problems.
Ross
Your first post asked;
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
Your last post stated;
The entire Tory party has a death wish at the moment, apart from the no-deal gang who wish for death, and the entire country is destroying itself arguing over which foreigners are to blame for their problems.
Hoist by your own petard..??
Not to mention the 'no politics' rule.
Hoist by your own petard..??
Just because a statement is literally true, that doesn't mean it can't be a joke too.
An analogy is probably preferable:
The British proposal would be like Mexico proposing to build the border wall in exchange of freedom for every Mexican to cross the border without control. Wouldn't that be grand? After all that's about how it works practically now, no?
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes,without getting into debates about what they mean?
Apparently not.
In the spirit of your post, a joke.
Two ladies of the night meet, one starting work, the other going home.
First: Busy day?
Second: You have no idea! That American Carrier is visiting, wall to wall sailors, I've been up and down them stairs every twenty minutes all bloody day!
First: Oh! Your poor feet...
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
As you can plainly see, in THIS forum that's impossible.
But since you asked, here's one.
A famous author was once asked what kind of writing paid the best. His reply?
Ransom notes.
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
Well, that went well........ ;)
but in the spirit of the OP's intent:
Just a suggestion, but if you use your car's GPS to drive 2 miles to Walmart, you might want to get tested...
If you drive your car into the ocean or off a cliff following the GPS, then you have been tested. Obviously failing said test.
Just a suggestion, but if you use your car's GPS to drive 2 miles to Walmart, you might want to get tested...
I tried that, but I forgot what needed testing.
Just a suggestion, but if you use your car's GPS to drive 2 miles to Walmart, you might want to get tested...
I have known a person like that. Worse part - the location he started from is on the same street that the Walmart is on (and you can see a hospital across the street from the Walmart when you are at the starting point.
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Considering the question I had just posed in the OP,
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
... I wondered if this post might be quite clever,
This American doesn't get it.
... but Americans don't do irony, do they?
but Americans don't do irony, do they?
Depends on the American. Out of 335,000,000 I'm sure a few do irony.
Great! I've got two teetering piles waiting to be ironed.
Do they require steamy hot X rated irony? Or just the regular flat irony?
No, I'm not offering to do your laundry. I might however be convinced you, err your piles, need hanging up to air...
Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
NO! That's what you do. Only Americans are crazy enough to do that.
... but Americans don't do irony, do they?
They have an elephant and a donkey, they don't need irony.
(I know I shouldn't, because threads like this are not the reason Lazeez implemented the forum, but nevertheless ...)
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
AJ
Man walks into bar jokes:
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Dyslexics of the world. Untie..!!
Don't blame typos on me. If I could spell, I'd be a witch..!!
If I could spell, I'd be a witch
Good to know. We don't want any kind of prejudice here.
I promise I will never think you're a witch.
Ok, now uncross your fingers... *grin*
I'll say no more here. Everything else will be or has been the subject of my private discussions with Dog. :-)
Everybody know about the guy who sold spell checketrs to Hogwarts students?
They turned him into a newt when they found out that the spell checkers didn't work on their spells.
=================
"Wizard parking only.
Violators will be toad."
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in the light bulb.
The Baptist woman is paying her last respects at a funeral home. It's a simple coffin her friend is in. Her friend is also wearing plain clothes. But the crucifix and Bible are on display, and will be in with her friend when the lid is closed. After saying her prayers, the woman is leaving when she spies in another room a gorgeous casket. The casket is decorated with fine gemstones, the occupant is wearing incredibly opulent clothes.
The Baptist woman looks around the room and sees the funeral home attendant. "Was this person a Baptist, a Catholic, or a Methodist?"
"Oh, no, ma'am. He was an atheist."
"Ah, so he's all dressed up with no place to go."
--------------------
Poor, dyslexic, atheist - doesn't believe in Dog.
--------------------
What's the difference between an Australian Sheepdog and an Australian Shepherd?
The dog doesn't fuck the sheep after he herds them together.
-----------------------
What's a Grecian Urn?
About two drachma's per day.
------------------------
You hear about the Polack terrorist who quit trying to blow up cars? His lips were too burned.
A very inappropriate joke from my childhood when anything went (remember those "Johnny jokes"?)
A boy knocks on the door carrying a baseball bat on his shoulder. The mother answers the door.
Boy: Can Johnny come out and play?
Mom: You know Johnny has no arms or legs.
Boy: I know. We use him as first base.
A very inappropriate joke from my childhood when anything went (remember those "Johnny jokes"?)
I remember a very different formulation.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art
What do you call a mand with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Ilean
I remember a very different formulation.
Man lying under a car? Jack
Man with seagull on his head? Cliff
Then there are the sayings of confucius;
Woman aviator who loop the loop have crack up.
Woman who cook meat and peas in same pot, not hygienic
And
Man lying under car with tool in hand, not necessarily mechanic.
Finally
Man who walk around with hands in pockets, feel cocky all day.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Julie is playing as she crosses a demolition site when she finds a discarded welders helmet, so as tomboys will, she puts it on and starts doing her best Darth Vader impression as she continues across the site.
Once back on the pavement a car slows down, stops, the man driving asks little Julie if she'd like to get into his car, share some sweets and talk...
"I don't think so." Replied Julie.
"Why not? These sweets are really good..."
Little Julie throws the helmet at the man and shouts. "Because I'm not really a welder..!!
Little Julie throws the helmet at the man and shouts. "Because I'm not really a welder..!!
That ruined someone's Jennifer Beals/Flashdance fantasy ;)
AJ
A young woman new to teaching wanted to use stuff she learned in her Psychology class in college.
She said to the class, "If you think you're stupid, stand up."
Nothing happened for a few moments and then little Johnny stood up.
"So you think you're stupid?" the teacher asked.
"No, but I felt bad that you were the only one standing."
An innocent young maid loses her heart to a sailor, despite her mothers objections she agrees to marry him.
Just before they set off for the honeymoon suite, her mother proceeds to lecture her again, but this time warns her that sailors are known to be perverts and that if he should suggest they try it the 'other' way she should slap him hard and refuse.
The honeymoon is a great success, he is virile, she in love and lust, her first time hurt, just as she knew it would, but soon it was good. Very good. So it continued for the next six months, except that her mothers warning was still on her mind, why would the 'other' way be so bad?
Finally, one night she takes a deep breath, and asks, "please darling, can we do it the 'other' way?
What! Exclaims her husband, "and risk you getting pregnant? No way!"
Questions that need answers.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If music be the food of love, why don't rabbits play banjos?
Why in the southern USA are a man's last words traditionally, "Hold my beer and watch this." ??
If Jesus was proclaimed King of the Jews, why isn't the Pope the Chief Rabbi?
Do they still teach boy scouts how to rub two guides together to make fire?
Did Caligula really say vidi, vici, veni ?
Why would you need a vacuum cleaner?
Why is there a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell?
If I never ever eat an apple, is it ok to stay naked?
Finally, for the carpenters amongst you:
Q: How many screws are there in a lesbians bed?
A: None, it's all tongue and groove.
George Carlin had a bunch. The one that comes to mind is:
Why do you wash bath towels? Aren't you clean when you use it?
Why is there a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell?
Because there's so much traffic that way that they could never fit on a stairway.
The local priest was walking down the hughstreet one day when he comes across little Julie sitting on the kerb, holding a test tube which she was tilting randomly so that drops of liquid fell to the tarmac where each hissed loudly as it landed.
"What do you have there?" He asks.
"Sulphuric Acid"
The priest thinks acid is too dangerous for a young girl to be playing with, so he makes her an offer. "Why don't you let me swop you that acid for a bottle of Holy Water?"
"What's it good for?"
"Well, it's Holy Water! I put some of this on Mrs Murphy's stomach this morning and she passed a beautiful baby boy."
"Huh." Responds little Julie, "Boring... I put some of this on our cats balls and he passed a Ferrari...."
(Please note that "came across" isn't a literal description. Little Julie isn't a choirboy.)
Little Julie isn't a choirboy.)
Of course she's not a choirboy. If she was a choirboy, she'd be Johnny, not Julie. :P
The Perfect Career For A Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become not just a writer, but a great writer.
"That will take a lot of work," people warned him. He didn't relent in his quest.
"That's not easy, son," his dad said gently. But the young man was determined: he wanted to be great.
What did he mean by "great," someone finally asked. How would he measure his success?
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" he said, "because that would be the mark of a great writer!"
Well, a wise career counselor helped him get his wish!
That young man now works for Microsoft -- writing error messages.
---
From http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/show.php?wk=2016_03_18
That young man now works for Microsoft
Not enough job satisfaction so he now writes for the IRS
One entire sorority chapter voted to spend their entire Spring Break in Florida lying face down on the beach bottomless.
They were determined to leave no stern untoned.
The Rev Spooner, Sod gest his roul, would forgive me.
Besides, he has in his heart a half wormed fish to rest his eyes on those dert perrieres...
One entire sorority chapter voted to spend their entire Spring Break in Florida lying face down on the beach bottomless.
They were determined to leave no stern untoned.
I think they were also throwing marijuana brownies to the local avians. They didn't want to leave any terns unstoned.
They didn't want to leave any terns unstoned.
Not every avian, some couldn't leave the hospital, they were in terns.
Not every avian, some couldn't leave the hospital, they were in terns.
A couple of them ended up camping out in the parking lot later, they were two in tents.
A couple of them ended up camping out in the parking lot later, they were two in tents.
One of those (Al)was later sadly hit by a car whilst grooming and pressing whilst watching his mate.
Wait for it....
He's now ex tern Al comb bust eye on an' Gene
A couple of them ended up camping out in the parking lot later, they were two in tents.
There were once two little skunks named In and Out. When In was in, Out was out and when In was out, Out was in.
One day, when Out was in, their mother asked out to go find In. Out went looking for In. He came back in just ten minutes with In right behind him.
"How did you find In so quickly?", their mother asked Out.
"In stinked."
in terns
That's a cue for a whinge!
Don'cha just love authors who inter prisoners and intern corpses in their stories :(
AJ
authors who inter prisoners
Can't imagine that happening, authors have others do their dirty work, guards etc.
intern corpses in their stories
The working dead?
I know interns are often dead tired from working double shifts, but actually dead seems a little excessive.
I have to do this, it is a compulsion so, please, forgive me.
1. "Why did the dyslexic agnostic stay up all night?
He was wondering if there really was a dog."
2. "Two blondes walk into a bar. The brunette ducks."
There's something very British about this. "I said I was hungry enough to eat my foot, so I'm going to eat my foot."
- Graham Norton
In Graham's case I rather think the correct spelling is 'fut' being the shortened form of ' futanari'.
I could have been more clear what this joke was about. I assumed that everyone here who recognised the name Graham Norton would guess I was posting another joke by someone about Brexit.
I grew up as the son of a Sergeant, living most often on base. Sergeants are know for their, shall we say colorful language. And back then, they weren't all that careful with it. The most common phase I remember hearing was "Jesus fucking Christ". It didn't matter if you were driving past the parade ground, "Jesus fucking Christ Johnson, don't you know how to march?!", or just play outside in your housing area, "Jesus fucking Christ! Who left this bike in the driveway?!", you here that phrase often.
But lets stop and think for a minute. If you took that three word phrase, pulled it apart into three individual words, than put it back together, couldn't you just say Masturbation?
couldn't you just say Masturbation?
No..
Masturbation does not require penetration. Fucking does.
A person can use a ........ (Insert phallic object) (Pun intended) to fuck themselves. But that is not masturbation.
So no, you couldn't just say masturbation, but you could say Auto-erotic anal penetration, possible if he is sufficiently blessed in the cock length department.
Given how often guys cry out "Oh god" when anally penetrated, perhaps daddy gave him the inches necessary to do the deed..??
ETA
Given the current #METOO mindset, how well would people treat someone who had non-consensual sex with a married woman for the express purpose of getting her pregnant..?? Never mind the whole "Thou shalt not commit adultery thing."
A person can use a ........ (Insert phallic object) (Pun intended) to fuck themselves. But that is not masturbation.
Is that true? I've seen it expressed both ways - 'masturbating' and 'fucking' oneself with a dildo.
AJ
Is that true? I've seen it expressed both ways - 'masturbating' and 'fucking' oneself with a dildo.
Yes, fucking requires penetration. A dildo can be used to fuck oneself whilst masturbating, or used externally to masturbate. Either way it's only fucking if it goes in.
And yes, a blow job is sex. Despite what certain people claim. As equally stupid is smoking (weed) does not count if you don't inhale.
Bear in mind that sex gets described a lot, and very often extremely inaccurately. The most obvious error is misplacing the hymen by three or four inches.
Bear in mind that sex gets described a lot, and very often extremely inaccurately. The most obvious error is misplacing the hymen by three or four inches.
My unfavourite is the notion that somewhere in the female pelvis, already so overcrowded that the female bladder has to be significantly smaller than the male, there's a mysterious organ (or organs) that hold a quantity of liquid comparable to the female bladder until such time as the superstud protagonist comes along and gives the female, of whatever age, the orgasm of a lifetime, fluid squirts out of this mysterious organ, which would have the effect of flushing away the superstud's sperm.
On the other hand, one in four females will suffer from stress incontinence at some time in their lives.
AJ
While squirting is demonstratable, those glands don't hold enough to do that multiple times in succession. Just as the prostate can't hold two cups of male ejaculate, not without causing extreme medical issues.
But those trophs are common to fiction.
While squirting is demonstratable
What I consider to be well-conducted medical studies show urine in the squirted fluid. That's good enough for me.
AJ
What I consider to be well-conducted medical studies show urine in the squirted fluid. That's good enough for me.
I could reply, but I'm not sure you guys want me to shatter your illusions, or just consider it TMI...
I could reply, but I'm not sure you guys want me to shatter your illusions, or just consider it TMI...
No worries, I've already mansplained it ;)
AJ
What I consider to be well-conducted medical studies show urine in the squirted fluid. That's good enough for me.
They'll also be happy to tell you about the "fecal bacteria" which is literally everywhere.
Props to the MythBusters when they took a crack at it, and largely validated the claims. Good times when the top portion of a toilet seat turns out to often be the cleanest thing in the building.
They'll also be happy to tell you about the "fecal bacteria" which is literally everywhere.
Faecal material is good! A naturally-born baby is likely to encounter and absorb some of their mother's faecal material, and that supercharges their intestinal biome.
Scientists are experimenting with turning faecal material into medicine to similarly supercharge the intestinal biomes of people with compromised immune systems eg after a course of antibiotics, which wipe out the good bacteria as well as the bad.
And no, I don't like scat stories :(
AJ
Scientists are experimenting with turning faecal material into medicine
Experimenting? 'Fecal transplants' are a reality already at the clinic trial stage.
And I can think of somewhere with an apparently inexhaustible supply of their raw material. :-)
Scientists are experimenting with turning faecal material into medicine
Experimenting? Fecal transplants have been a thing for at least a decade.
Experimenting? Fecal transplants have been a thing for at least a decade.
Newspaper reports indicate the experimental nature of the treatment, and outline future areas in which they may well prove to be effective eg tackling obesity.
Faecal transplants aren't yet available on the NHS so I wouldn't consider them mainstream. That may be different in the US where new treatments are more readily available for the right money.
AJ
That may be different in the US where new treatments are more readily available for the right money.
It isn't even that expensive.
While it's still legally considered "investigational" in the US, because it doesn't have FDA approval, the lack of FDA approval is because the FDA can't make up it's mind which regulatory scheme fecal transplants fit in (are they a drug, or a tissue transplant?).
However, because of the FDA's indecision on where fecal transplants fit in the regulatory scheme, they have been available in the US for a while on a completely unregulated basis.
Wow.
On a thread labeled "Jokes, Just Jokes, and Nothing But Jokes", I bring a JOKE in story form. And you STILL can't stop yourself from being the over-explaining wet blanket.
While not claiming I am close to their level, I have to wonder. Considering how many top-level stand-up comics include at least some absurd in their acts, have you ever attended a live show AND been able to get through the full show without pissing people off?
While not claiming I am close to their level, I have to wonder. Considering how many top-level stand-up comics include at least some absurd in their acts, have you ever attended a live show AND been able to get through the full show without pissing people off?
Actually I thoroughly enjoyed those I've been to see, but then they were funny...
Regarding your comment;
And you STILL can't stop yourself from being the over-explaining wet blanket.
I would like to say I'm sorry you feel that way. I'd like to, but I can't. I do admit to sometimes casting pearls....
Given the current #METOO mindset
Since I'm of the generation that considers this symbol, #, to NOT mean hashtag ...
I think a discussion about sex is about right when you're of a pound me too mindset ...
I think a discussion about sex is about right when you're of a pound me too mindset ...
You're a * :)
But lets stop and think for a minute. If you took that three word phrase, pulled it apart into three individual words, than put it back together, couldn't you just say Masturbation?
Jesus Christ is supposed to be the son of God. Being in two places at the same time is not out of the question. :)
Jesus Christ is supposed to be the son of God. Being in two places at the same time is not out of the question. :)
Actually, given that his dad is claimed to be everywhere simultaneously, that's not such a stretch, providing abilities are hereditary.
Faculty politics.
Professor Alter** did research on animal behavior in the simplest animals. He got a grant to compare the reactions of boll weevils to biscuit weevils.
The grant covered pay for research assistants, any rentals, and purchase of equipment. It didn't cover purchase of lab animals.
Alter solved the problem with the help of a friend, Professor Chang*. Chang bought 2 research animals and he rented them to Alter.
Alter was immediately elected to the Faculty Senate as
the lessor of two weevils.
* This name has been changed to protect the innocent.
** This name has been altered to protect the innocent.
I've always wondered about that phrase myself. Though, with my coworkers, I seem forced to use ALL the time.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so happy that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper headline read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper posted the headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
After the funeral a young church singer rescues the donkey, the lad was leading his new pet home when he was almost run over by the new bishop.
CHOIRBOY ACCUSES NEW BISHOP OF COMING TOO CLOSE TO HIS ASS
After the funeral a young church singer rescues the donkey
The archbishop, attending the bishop's funeral to pay his respects, stroked the handsome donkey because he thought it would be good for publicity since Jesus won the year zero donkey derby.
ARCHBISHOP FONDLES CHOIRBOY'S ASS
AJ
The poor donkey suffers an injury, the parishioners aren't sure if the donkey is in one piece. Then they learn new Bishop hit the poor donkey with his car. The next day there is more news. The Arch Bishop decides to intervene but then get instruction from the Vatican.
TOWN HAPPY THAT ASS WHOLE. BISHOP RESIGNS FOLLOWING CHOIRBOY'S ASS AFFAIR. POPE ADVISES ARCH BISHOP TO PULL OUT AT LAST MINUTE.
Ass-tonishing stories.
ton
[French tawn]
noun
high fashion; stylishness.
the current fashion, style, or vogue.
Origin of ton
1755โ65; < French < Latin tonus tone
Related forms
tonยทish, tonยทnish [ton-ish] /หtษnโษชส/, adjective
This is not a joke, per se. It happened in NYC back in the day when movie theaters had double features. The marquee read:
Romeo and Juliet
The Odd Couple
An American is visiting Scotland and walks into a bar where he notices two large women chatting away in their thick accents.
Being the curious gentleman that he is, he approaches the ladies and asks, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"
The old hags turn in disgust to look him over before snarling, "It's Wales you idiot!"
The poor man is taken aback by this outburst and apologizes profusely for his unintended insult. "I'm so sorry," he says sincerely. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
This a quote from the latest New Statesman magazine:
each Brit consumes 110 toilet rolls a year โ that is two and a half times the European average ... The UK only has one day's supply of toilet paper in stock at any time. That stockpile would soon be wiped out if it crashes out of the EU [and] trucks transporting toilet paper are held up at Calais or Dover
Just when they will be needing it most. :-)
each Brit consumes 110 toilet rolls a year
I very much doubt any 'Brit' eats even a single roll of toilet paper during a calendar year. Not that I've tried, but wouldn't cooking it be an issue..??
Besides, if we run out using it for it's intended purpose rather than as a culinary ingredient, there are always copies of the New Statesman ...
I very much doubt any 'Brit' eats even a single roll of toilet paper
I would have chosen the word 'uses' rather than 'consumes' myself, but FWIW, these are the online OxD's definitions:
consume
VERB [WITH OBJECT]
1 Eat, drink, or ingest (food or drink)
1.1 (of a fire) completely destroy
1.2 Use up (a resource)
2 Buy (goods or services)
3 (of a feeling) completely fill the mind of (someone)
You're consumed by Brexit.
Not according to that OxD definition of consumed. My thoughts are filled with it but I'm quite dispassionate about the entire thing.
It is, of course, the OxD definition which is crap. It should read:
3 (of thoughts or a feeling) completely fill the mind of (someone)
Y'a gotta be shittin' me
-or-
I always suspected we Brits were full of crap, and the rest of Europe were just dirty arseholes
I always suspected we Brits were full of crap, and the rest of Europe were just dirty arseholes
LOL. You win. :-)
each Brit consumes 110 toilet rolls a year โ that is two and a half times the European average
If the rest of Europe uses a bidet - or simply their hand - then of COURSE they're going to use more.
Due to the different size of rolls, it's better to compare weight. Great Britain flushes about 39 pounds per person per year, the U.S. does about 35 pounds, Germany about 25 pounds, and certain Baltic states ... less than 10 pounds.
Which REALLY begs the question - what are THOSE people using? Leaves?
what are THOSE people using? Leaves?
Maybe it's not the 'what', but the 'how' that answers your question.
It use half as much, simply use both sides.
To reduce the quantity used by three quarters, simply fold a sheet in half, use, turn over, use again. Fold over, use third side, turn over, use forth side.
Any anomalies can be simply explained by 'curry night' or its lack.
each Brit consumes 110 toilet rolls a year
That's about 50 sheets of toilet paper per person per day.
Which REALLY begs the question - what are THOSE people using? Leaves?
I remember someone commenting on a survivalist course that they'd had to learn to limit themselves to one sheet of paper per number two.
AJ
what are THOSE people using?
About a year ago where I live, the swankiest mall in the city REMOVED every toilet roll dispenser in every toilet in the mall. That's in a smallish city that, behind Bali, is the biggest attraction for international tourists in the country.
I assume someone decided that the trigger-activated hoses were good enough and they were sick of sending someone around about half an hour before closing time every night to collect the rolls so they wouldn't be stolen.
I complained and they reinstalled the dispensers in the toilets closest to the main entrance, but nowhere else. That's about the only "win" I've ever had as a foreigner in this Allah-forsaken shit heap.
someone decided that the trigger-activated hoses were good enough
Just out of interest, does that make an enema enthusiast 'trigger happy' ??
trigger happy
We are getting close to Halloween so this joke isn't as off base as many. Roy Rogers horse is named Trigger. He goes house to house with a bag asking for oats for his horse. He says "Trigger Treat".
Before Trigger was 'broken', and being saddled, let alone mounted was still new and caused a violent reaction, wouldn't that have resulted in Buck Rogers ?
a violent reaction, wouldn't that have resulted in Buck Rogers
All the way into the 25th century. :)
All the way into the 25th century. :)
Long before that, his son went into finance and became known as the 'loan arranger' often accompanied by his 'enforcer/collection agent' Pronto.
I have friends who live in Kent, England is a little town named Faversham. I told one of them they should grow grapes and make sparkling wine and call it Faverchampagne. But don't use Italian grapes, it would be called ass tea. (Asti).
A friend's rather precocious eight year old daughter has been proudly telling anyone and everyone that her parents are taking her to 'Twice' this Christmas.
Where is 'Twice' you might ask?
Well, the young lady is encouraged to research every holiday destination before departure. And part of her research apparently included a certain song with the lyrics. "New York, New York. So good they named it twice ...
This drunk was standing on the corner reading the paper. A cop comes along and he asks the cop "Where is a woman's yet?".
The cop says what do you mean. The guy points to the paper and says. "de paper say a woman was shot last night... and de bullet is in her yet"
A dyslexic man was arrested in Yellowstone Park for mounting firearms on wild animals.
At trial, he admitted doing it but claimed that he had a Second Amendment right to arm bears.
Second Amendment right
To short sleeve shirts, or no shirt at all, the right to bare arms.
To short sleeve shirts
In a recent episode of 'Supergirl' on UK network TV, Kara Danvers was wearing a short-sleeved top, availing of her right to bare arms. When the inevitable crisis occurred, she ripped off the top to reveal her long-sleeved Supergirl outfit underneath, complete with cape. ;)
AJ
At trial, he admitted doing it but claimed that he had a Second Amendment right to arm bears.
I'm soon booking my next holiday, when exactly is bare hunting season..??
July in southern California or Florida.
And is there a 'bag limit' ?? (I think that's what you hunter types call it)
ps If you make a bad pun on 'fun bags' I'm going to shoot you with a nerf dildo ...
And is there a 'bag limit' ??
2 for male hunters and 1 for female hunters. :)
Or maybe that should be the other way around. Depends on whether you read male hunter as a male who hunts or a hunter of males.
Depends on whether you read male hunter as a male who hunts or a hunter of males.
Actually I was rather looking forward to watching bare hunters bear hunting ...
Mostly to see if the "not here for the hunting" joke actually occurs.
Besides which, it would bring a whole new slant on the 'naked and afraid' series, especially if those bears from above posts are still armed.
Isn't 'turn about' still fair play?
Can we manage one thread which is just for jokes, and jokes on others' jokes, without getting into debates about what they mean?
I think you'd do a lot better to establish an a Public Universe where people can put there jokes instead of filling space in the forum. It would also get a wider coverage that way while allowing the forum to get on with what a forum is best at - actual discussions.
Do ghosts sit around campfires and tell people stories?
If they do and all add to the story, is that a poltergestalt..??
Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of dance music?
A: Wrap!!!!!
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons?
A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
Q: What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A: Both have blank smiling expressions and are hollow inside!
A young man was golfing with an old guy. They came to a Par-5 with a sharp left dogleg. In that corner were a bunch of trees. The young guy was teeing off first and took out a club to lay up.
Old Man: "You know, when I was your age I used to cut the corner and hit over those trees. Then I got there in two."
The young guy's testosterone kicked in so he pulled out his driver and smashed the ball at the dogleg. It didn't make it over the trees and fell into them.
Old Man: "Of course, when I was your age those trees weren't so tall."
A Catholic Priest and a Protestant Minister were getting ready to play a round of golf when an old man in a white robe accompanied by a young man in a white robe walked up and asked if they could play with them.
The priest and the minster said yes.
The priest tees up and gets a hole in one.
The minister tees up and gets a hole in one.
The young man tees up and gets a hole in one.
The old man tees up and slices his drive badly, the ball going off into a stand of trees at the edge of the rough.
A squirrel runs down a tree, grabs the ball in this mouth and dashes across the rough onto the fairway.
A hawk swoops down, grabs the squirrel and flies off down the fairway. Just as the hawk passes over the green the squirrel drops the ball and it falls directly into the cup for a hole in one.
The priest and the minister are standing there with their mouths hanging open and the young man turns to the old man and says:
"Stop showing off dad."
It is nearly veterans day. Most of us didn't realize our service would make us automobiles. Marine Corps, Corps of Engineers, and Signal Corps veterans are all Corvettes.
A soldier that has survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A soldier that has survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
After the mustard gas and pepper spray, soldiers should be seasoned with basil and coriander.
No extra salt though. Most soldiers are already too salty.
Most soldiers are already too salty.
I thought it was sailors that were salty. I know that I am a bit crusty from my time at sea.
@Ross at Play
Most soldiers are already too salty.
@anim8ed
I thought it was sailors that were salty. I know that I am a bit crusty from my time at sea.
I assume the origin of the expression is based on a connection between sailors and salty sea water, but is more widely applied now.
This is from OxD:
2. (of language or humour) down-to-earth; coarse. 'her wild ways and salty language shocked the local gentry'
3. (informal) Tough or aggressive. 'a salty campaign strategist'
__3.1 (US) Angry or resentful, especially in response to a defeat or disappointment. 'she was salty because I didn't go with her to her senior prom'
And on that note...
I salute all who have served, soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen (and women) and yes, even the coasties. Thank you for your service.
Also:
salt
NOUN
3 (usually old salt) informal An experienced sailor.
'he was one of many old salts who lined up to volunteer'
And:
https://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/2017/11/16/words-and-phrases-with-roots-in-salt/
AJ
Ditto
So here I sit, legs spread around the shaft, pumping rhythmically. (I really must get an electric potters wheel)
I feel you behind me, stripped naked to the waist. Your warmth hot upon my back. (Why are you wearing that thermal vest?)
Looking up I see your cut body. (Self harming again huh?)
Your arms wrap around me, hands upon mine, clay oozing between our fingers. (Idiot, it took me ten minutes to form that and you've wrecked it.)
I look up, our eyes meet in the mirror and I utter those three little words. (Drunk again, asshole?)
And you reply, as you always do... "Ditto."
And you wonder why you're dead...??
I feel you behind me, stripped naked to the waist. ... (Why are you wearing that thermal vest?)
Took me a couple of moments to understand you meant the bottom half was naked ;)
And you wonder why you're dead...??
I prefer to think of it as pre-dead.
AJ
Well, stiff anyways...
I think the entire SOL readership is in danger of being put off their dinners/suppers.
AJ
I think the entire SOL readership is in danger of being put off their dinners/suppers.
Why?
Do you think they find your rigidity hard to swallow?
At one army base the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row though the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
French army
French army rifles for sale. Never fired, only dropped once.
They have adopted the kilt for a uniform so they can shit and run at the same time.
I could not stop myself.
A newer, male member of staff at my local Starbucks in Indonesia started wearing a name tag today. It reads 'Gaga'.
I had to ask! "Do your friends call you 'Lady'?" :-)
A newer, male member of staff at my local Starbucks in Indonesia started wearing a name tag today. It reads 'Gaga'.
Ask him if he has a brother GooGoo ;)
AJ
A man goes to a priest and says his wife is trying to poison him. The priest tells the man to wait while he goes and talks to the wife.
The man waits and waits. Eventually the priest returns and says, "I have talked with to your wife for five hours. Take the poison."
This not a joke about Brexit.
Bruxism - a compulsive disorder where the sufferers grinds their teeth.
Brexism - a compulsive disorder where the non-sufferers grind their teeth.
AJ
Brexism
Brexit (BRitish EXIT) with S&M instead of a T. Sadism and Masochism instead of a hot drink. (Tea, pronounced T)
