It seems we don't hear much about bandwidth anymore. And Blogs, popular twenty years ago, fell out of favor, but maybe they've resurged. As for ASSM, essentially defunct. With this in mind, I offer an early blog entry, thinking perhaps the Library of Congress is interested.
Alleviating the Bandwidth Problem
It has come to my attention that ASSM is in danger. Bandwidth is being consumed at an alarming rate. If the trend continues, we will run out of bandwidth long before the year 2000. If something doesn't change, sex stories will be little more than a memory, a gleam in Benny Goodman's eye. Our children, and our children's children might actually need to mate in order to know the deep joys of sexual expression. What can we do about it?
Here are my suggestions:
Readers--learn to read faster. Sign up for an Evelyn Woods seminar. Combine speed with acumen by studying old Reader's Digest articles on increasing your word power. Nothing costs bandwidth like having to stop midstream to look up coitus and lanuginous and lascivious in the dictionary. In short, prepare yourself to get on and get off.
Writers--stop using big words. Write fuck and downy and horny instead. But don't stop there. Get to the crux of your story quicker. An in-depth study of sex-stories conducted by an independent sexology research team measured orgasm trigger-efficiencies. Of all sex story sentences, according to the study, a woman uttering the phrase, "Oh God, I'm gonna come, oh, oh, I'm coming, ooooooh!" most rapidly brings about the male reader's climax. Meanwhile, female readers come most quickly when they read, "Suck it, bitch, suck it slow and deep."
The following sex story should serve as the model:
Ellen's Slutty Sister--by Mat Twassel
"Suck it, bitch," he said, "Suck it deep and slow."
"Oh God," she said, "I'm gonna come. Oh, oh, I'm coming, oooooh!"
-End-
Instead of padding the sex story with useless and tedious descriptions, writers should enhance their work, and make it easier on the reader, by applying appropriate story codes. Here's the key:
Male's cock size: (H uge or M onstrous)
Female tit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female hair color: (R ed or B lond)
Female age: (Y oung or Y ounger or Y oungest)
Female clit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female experience (V irgin or S lut)
Pussy: (B are or B ushy)
Story location: (B ed or B reakfast table or B athroom or
neighbor's B ackyard)
Daddy's brand of scotch: ( )
Thus "Ellen's Slutty Sister" could be marked: MPBYBVBBB&B and the readers really have a jump start towards bliss and satisfaction.
--Mat Twassel