Rachael Ross: Blog

I just found out there's 3 Kardashian sisters. I didn't want to know that, I just stumbled across it on Yahoo while running for my mail (it's raining) and I'm not even sure which one I heard of before.

The nice thing about living here is that I don't have to know any old idiot on TV ...I don't watch TV, except BBS out of Hong Kong and I don't think they know there's three of those Kardashian things either!

Anyway, that explains why all my American Cultural references are 6 years out of date. I'm not from there anymore.

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If you haven't seen my vbe city directory, you're missing out. (speaking of old has been cultural references)

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Ummm...I'm thinking of starting a mailing list. I don't know why exactly except I get occasional emails asking me if I have one or if I'd start one. That's been going on for years, but I always resisted because...What would I say? Anyone who would want to be on my mailing list would already know where to find the stories. So the implication is that I'd have to provide something new and different...via email???

But, with my website going up nicely and getting voted one of the five "most coolest author sites" on ASSTR I suppose it would be nice to let people know when something interesting goes up just so they don't have to check my randomly updated "news" page.

I'm long winded, huh? Sorry...Another reason not to email anyone. I don't know how to shut up! So, um...if you want to be added to a mailing list that may or may not happen, just email me and say so. If/when I do start a mailing list everyone will be added BCC to save potential embarrassment. Your anonymity will be assured or else!

Blah...I had way too much coffee with my sugar today!

I'll post an example of a "rache email list email" soon so you can decide if you want to buy it or not. The price is still free though, don't ask for a discount! I gotta eat, you know!

rache

Hi! I blogged everyday for a month and you may have seen it on my website, but here it is anyway. Use the links to view the images in a new window, they're in my blog, but I can't embed them here. Sorry no porn pics. -rr

Oct 1st 2010

I'm gonna blog, diary, journal...whatever. I'm gonna try and think of something uber-clever to say every single day. I got a lot of stuff in my head. I want to think about other things, okay? I want to be cheerful because that's why I'm here...mostly.

We'll see how it goes. This might be really stupid.

Marlon Brando

I wanna have Marlon Brando's baby!

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Oct 2nd 2010

I'm trying to teach my dog how to hula-hoop, but he's pretty hopeless. I have to find a home for my monkey, he's such a total retard though. I'm trying to con someone into taking him off my hands unseen, but unfortunately I've regaled all my friends with pointless boring stories about my retarded monkey far too many times. They won't touch him with a 10 foot pole. I already gave away our peach faced love birds. That was a heartbreaker.

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Oct 3rd 2010

I had pancakes for breakfast, but they were too thin. I drank some coffee, but it was too weak. I read a newspaper, but it was all bad. I guess some days are like that.

Toon

This is a cartoon I like. I wish I was a boy, more than ever now, but I can't explain why. That's kinda personal. My great-grandmother turned 91 the other day, I called her today and now I have to go to church and confess my lies. Grandmas and truth are mutually exclusive, but they were just little white lies anyway. God still loves me. I was arguing the existence of God with a friend of mine last night, a professor in Michigan who's pretty smart except for being an atheist. I'm like, "What? Do you think it's a coincidence that the moon orbits the earth and rotates on its axis at exactly the same rate? Gimme a break! It's like taking an ad out in the Sunday paper - I'm God!"

He called my argument "flawed" :)))

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Oct 4th 2010

My husband wanted to cook dinner for me. He doesn't cook, but he wants to treat me special and so I pretend like I'm excited about it. "Oh! A romantic dinner?" I wonder and he just smiles. I have no idea what he's planning.

He made "Manwich" ...the sloppy joe stuff that comes in a can? He's so cool.

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Oct 5th 2010

MSG

I have Rammstein tickets! They're $300 bucks apiece, plus roundtrip airfare, two nights in a hotel near the Park, a t-shirt, drinking, dancing, and miscellaneous expenses...Let's call it thirty-five hundred dollars. Still, it's cheaper than when we flew to Berlin to see them last year, so I don't know what my husband's complaining about.

Men!

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Oct 6th 2010

I decided to post RBVS on SOL just because it's stupid to sit around like a zombie and not do anything. I've always, always been a hyperactive overachieving bitch about stuff and for the last month or so I've been acting like...someone else. I don't know who, just not me. I'm thinking I'll update it once a year...For thirty years? hahahaha! I don't have the balls to do that, but I wish I did.

So, that's my momentous decision of the day.

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Oct 7th 2010

Oh! Today I got a fortune cookie that said, "Your patience will soon be rewarded." It's an excellent pun, I admit, but I seriously doubt the author even realized he was writing one! Coming soon, "Rachael Ross Fortune Cookies" ...I have to think of some first though.

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Oct 8th 2010

Rammstein Tickets went on sale today in New York and half an hour later I got my phone call :) Yes! That just goes to prove that it's not who you blow, it is in fact who you know...Of course, knowing and blowing gets you twice as much twice as quickly! So that's the good news for today.

What else is there to say? Ummm...I'm totally boring, huh? My sneakers fell apart. I had this pair of Skechers, the ones I put in all my stories just to promote those guys cause I love their shoes, and I was just walking along the sidewalk and slap-slap-slap...The bottom came unglued. I'd get them fixed, but they're like two years old now and I need another pair anyway. I like shoes and handbags, those are my things. I collect them, but I use them too. I'm not like a collector who keeps stuff in plastic and gives them a lick every now and then. I use my stuff!

So that's the bad news. Nothing lasts forever, not even our soles.

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Oct 9th 2010

The SP Thing

What I'm listening to right freakin' now! (and very loudly too!)

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Oct 10th 2010

I think I'm turning into a misogynist. I tried writing a story today and it was brutal. Like I have a total hate-on for my species. This isn't helping.

My fingernails are baby blue and my toenails are silver, which means I either have to wear gloves or closed-toe shoes. No wonder I'm a misogynist...My mother never taught me how to dress! Not to worry though, I put on one green stocking and a halter top, a black thong and some spandex biking shorts that look like the French flag (they're white) and remove half my piercings and I'm a total Emo Babe! Except I'd have to get a lobotomy to complete the outfit...Never mind. That's so over with anyway and I totally missed it. Good thing Disco came back! Ummm...What am I saying?

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Oct 11th 2010

I watched "The Watchmen" today. What the fuck is that movie about? I kinda liked it, but I don't know why. Some of it was very cool, some of it sucked badly, and mostly I wondered, "Is there a plot? Oh yeah...Someone killed the Comedian!" That's funny as hell, by the way. I laughed out loud at that joke. Anyway, I guess I should have read more comic books and less Kafka as a child.

That reminds me. I wrote a story once about Kafka's "Der Verwandlung" where the guy who changes into a cockroach buys a prostitute and they have really bizarre insect bestiality. It's so gross and I've been looking for it all afternoon. It predates the internet (for me) and I want to see if it's as disturbing as I remember and whether or not I can post it on SOL just to set the record for "...all-time lowest scoring story ever!"

I think "Dead Pool" already has a lock on that though. (3.35 last I checked) Too bad because Dead Pool is actually kinda good, except I need to edit the poor thing.

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Oct 12th 2010
(A public service message)

Tradition

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Oct 13th 2010

This guy called me and I'll call him "Dave" since that's his name and there are a million Dave's in the world. Anyway, I used to go out with Dave before I got married to someone not named Dave. We dated on and off for about 15 months, 3 days, and ohhhhh...18 hours or so. We did everything college freshman and sophomores do when they date. I drank a lot of coffee, he drank a lot of beer, and we had weird sex because he would be clumsy drunk and I'd be so wired I couldn't stay still long enough for him to get off.

We had pornstar sex. Hours of it at a time.

Is that too much information? I'm just thinking about Dave. I fucked a lot of guys before him and I wasn't totally monogamous while I was with him. I feel kinda bad about that, but it wasn't like I married the guy. I never even met his parents and you can't expect a girl to be faithful if you can't bring her home for Christmas. I mean, it's kind of the rule after you've been fucking her everyday for six months, right? That's my rationale for being a slut, which is what he called me when we broke up. "You're a slut," he said, stating it like a fact. "The sky is blue, water's wet, and you're a slut, rache."

Hard to argue with that.

My best memory of Dave? The time he tried to fill his waterbed with a soaker hose - The kind with a zillion tiny holes all over? We laughed about it over the phone.

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Oct 14th 2010

NiteLite

I just wanted to show you my brand new extra-cool nite-lite that I bought yesterday. It's so awesome, but check out the description on the back...

NiteLite Back

It reads like poetry!! I had to buy it, even if it did cost about $1.12 with the exchange rate. It should say, "Made at the huge dildo factory in China by your friends at Severe Discipline Heavy Industries - We bring the good things to the dark!"

Anyway, I'm in a huge rush today and I had to snap those pics real quick and get them up here. We're living out of a hotel room and at 7am it's a real mess, so I'm tempted to show you what a total pig I am :))

But it's not that tempting! ...Oh! The nite light isn't really amazingly huge by the way, that's a Dell Mini-12 I'm using, so that'll give you an idea of actual size. Bigger isn't always better in a dark bedroom, just usually.

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Oct 15th 2010

I went horseback riding today. Like bareback! And boy, is my butt sore. Now I know what T.S. is always complaining about! It was pretty fun though. The horse was small and skinny so I felt kind of guilty making him carry me around just so I could have a good time, but maybe horses like that stuff anyway, I'm not sure. He didn't seem angry with me and I gave him a small, skinny apple and he liked that. Horses are weird.

When I was a teenager we went to Canada, up to French Quebec where one of my dad's cousins owns a small horse ranch. It's one of the best memories of my life. I liked it there a lot, but the horses scared me and I wouldn't even sit on one.

You know how stupid it is to spend a summer at a horse ranch and not sit on a horse? The story of my life. I regretted it 20 minutes after we left and that's why I can ride small, skinny horses today...I hate regrets.

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Oct 16th 2010

I went to confession the way I do every Saturday and had a nice long talk about why life is cruel if God is so good. Nothing came of it.

Have you heard that saying, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I've known the answer for a long time. It's... "Bad things happen to good people, and what are you going to do about it?" which is an amazingly easy concept to embrace when the bad things are happening to someone else.

Anyway, I have tried to do something about it often and I still do and sometimes people close to me say that's why I'm sort of crazy in a fanatical way, but I just think it's a symptom.

It's raining today and I'm moody. Sorry.

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Oct 17th 2010

Calvin n Hobbes

One of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes strips

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Oct 18th 2010

I spent part of the day thinking of stuff. First I thought of "Weapons of Mass Production" but I wasn't sure what that meant. I liked it though. It reminded me of a t-shirt I saw once that said Weapons of Mass Seduction with two red and blue stars where my nipples would be if I wore it. I remember thinking it was dumb and I didn't buy it. I think it would make a good name for a line of television sets.

So, I'm working on this Mass Production thing and I'm trying to figure out what sort of image would go good with that, and I had this industrial, ultra-clean vision of a thousand human clones wearing white coveralls marching into a factory. Kind of Orwellian, but super clean. Like you could eat off the bottom of those people's shoes.

And they chant the Corporate Anthem, like "We are Weapons of Mass Production!" and outside there's one lonely guy, ragged and bearded, dirty and ugly, and he's carrying a sign that says, "The Beginning is Near!"

I'm not sure what it means.

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Oct 19th 2010

Rereading my blog, I'm struck by some of the negativity I demonstrate. Some of my thoughts and observations are positive, but there's a lot of negative too. I think it's because I require conflict. I mean, that's what writers do and I want to be a writer sometimes, so...

There just isn't much of a story when everything's happy and nothing is in opposition. I dunno. I saw a week ago, or maybe two, that the Gap was changing its logo and there was this big fuss over it. I'm like, "Why am I reading about this?"

It's conflict; like honey to flies.

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Oct 20th 2010

A friend of mine who toils in the ghetto of philosophy (His words, not mine - but I'm an Anthroapologist, so what do I know about art?) sent me this short story and I thought it was pretty delightful and asked him if I could share it...

It reminds me of the time my girlfriend came into the room saying, more or less without real inflection, "I was hungry." She sat on the couch, and still in a sort of far-away kind of tone, "There was pie." Then she flopped over on the couch to stare at the ceiling, and concluded, "But it's gone now."

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Oct 21st 2010

I was sorting through some old pictures and came across this one...

KnK

That look on Kasparov's face...I just know he nailed Kosteniuk. What a slut!

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Oct 22nd 2010

My new lipstick is called, "Ever Bilena matte lipstick" and it's kind of dark red, like red with a little purple, but I have to use darker colors anyway because I'm so freakin' brown after living here for so long. So, I bought this lipstick after looking and looking and I only bought one. I mean, the temptation is to buy like 30 lipsticks, but I'm on the self-control kick and it was fun making the ultimate final selection.

I imagine that's what it's like for guys in a porn shop, you know...Finding that one perfect DVD that's gonna make them a whole new person!

So, my lipstick says: "Pure Impact. Pure Luxury. Ultra Matte Finish! The only matte lipstick that makes your lips stays supple and smooth. Delicately scented in al long-wearing formula that accentuates and pampers your lips. Incredibly luxurious, with Vitamin E that gives your lips the natural moisture." - all spelling and grammar in context, btw.

What kinda freaks me out though is what they put in it. Not so much the Ethylhexyl Palmitate or the Isopropyl Myristate, but the words "May Contain..." and then a list of 9 different ingredients. What the fuck? They don't know what they're putting in this stuff? And an hour ago I was smearing it all over my husband's penis? I wish I'd never read the box. It's keeping me up at night.

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Oct 23rd 2010

I made macaroni and cheese today. I put Spam and black olives in it, onions and some sliced red pepper and Alpine condensed milk and some weird goat cheese from Holland. When you live where I do, you have to use whatever God gives you. I just felt like eating some macaroni and cheese. My husband didn't care for it, but I kinda liked it.

Kind of a boring day. My brand new mouse isn't working. :(

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Oct 24th 2010

Sunday morning here. I got up, had coffee, made it into church at 5:45 and out by 7:05 (kinda long today). I went to the bakery for some pandelata and had to wait while they baked it. Watched two guys play checkers. They play it weird here and I lose every time. Got my bread went to the coffee shop at the crossing. A home brewed cuppa java made my hair stand up. Went home and woke up my husband with a slap on the butt. Took my second shower of the day. Had some Special-K cereal with New Zealand milk, the microwaved kind that stays fresh forever, put a lot of brown sugar on it. Thought about exercising. Turned on my computer and typed a little. Smoked my first cigarette of the day. Deleted what I typed. Walked down the mountain with Lucky, my canine boyfriend. He chased a cat up a tree. I threw rocks at a duck. We were feeling feisty. Now I'm at the internet. Posted in the SOLDG and checked email. John wrote me so I'm happy and I said, "You're right! I better fix my blog!" So that's what I'm doing this second, Sunday 24 Oct at 10:46am

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Oct 25th 2010

This is the guitar I bought my cousin Andot last year for his birthday. It's a low-end ESP M100FM and I got him a Crate amplifier and a case as well because I knew he wanted a halfway decent guitar and I'm kinda hot for him. If he wasn't my cousin...

ESP Guitar

Anyway, he turned 21 this month and I'm talking to him on the phone, and he's teasing me with, "What did you get me for my birthday?" I'm like, "I don't know yet. What do you want?" and he says, "A bass guitar would be nice." Heh!

He sent me this awesome picture of himself and I got an 8x10 print made and was showing it to some friends when one of them asked me, "Who's that actor?" Seriously. So now I'm shopping for a bass guitar. Beautiful people just own me!

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Oct 26th 2010

Feeling kinda sick today and now every time I feel even a little funny I start to panic. It sucks. Plus I have to worry if it's just in my head because I'm waiting for it, expecting it, or if there really is something wrong. I hate this. I get dizzy sometimes. Like really bad vertigo and I can't focus my eyes and I puke, I have to lay down but it doesn't help. The first time I got one of those it scared me to death. Now I just fear it. I really feel sick. I'm gonna go to the doctor.

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Oct 27th 2010

I'm feeling a lot better today. It turned out to be nothing except maybe some bad tequila. Yeah, my doctor didn't think that was funny either, but what does he know? Anyway, I'm feeling pretty chipper and that's good because I have meetings all day long and not the good kind, you know, teleconferencing when you point the camera at your face while you play tiddly-winks with your clit or whatever. Actually, I'm one of those people who like to wave my arms around when I talk, so...I don't masturbate during meetings, but I probably should.

I'd feel like I accomplished something and the people next to me wouldn't get black eyes so much. They tease me, saying I go into "Manny Mode" when I get excited. It's a dumb joke and I always say, "Just call me Tyler Durden."

This is boring, huh? Good thing the month's almost over.

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Oct 28th 2010

Hmmm...What happened today that was cool and interesting?

A chicken attacked me. Nah, that's not interesting. The spare tire on our Mazda blew up. Good thing it was the spare! That's pretty boring too. I want a good thing to talk about. Something awesome must have happened to me. Let me think...

Dum-de-dum-da-do...Did today even happen?

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Oct 29th 2010

Hey! I've been working on my website, the secret one that I don't tell Mal Fredo about, and that VBE Severe page is a real pain! I got it done though and it looks amazing, I think. I'm putting it up the same time as this, about 9:52am 29 Oct...TGIF or something.

Anyway, my friend wants to be a teenage lesbian the same way I want to be a teenage transsexual. It's probably lucky we never met or we'd have 3 kids by now - one of each! Anyway, he gets kicked off all the cool websites. Seriously. He emailed me and said, "I got kicked off the BDSM stories site" - kinda paraphrasing there since his email isn't in front of me - and that after getting kicked off Gina Marie Wylie's site! He kicked himself off StoriesOnline and I'm tempted to ask Denny for a favor (he's a moderator at ASSM) and ask him to reject Fred's next story submission there. Just as a joke, like "Sorry, but we're not accepting your stories anymore. You've been banned!" and then half an hour later explain that it's just a bad rache joke.

That would be cool, and I think it would be funny, but humor is inherently evil anyway. Just like rache!

Blah...I hope Freddy doesn't get pissed because I told everyone about that! But what are friends for anyway? I owe him an email and I want you to go HERE and look at his stories. Seriously. You might find something to like, I know I do, and you owe me a favor anyway for being so...me!

Mal Fredo

And now that I'm thinking about it, if Mal Fredo really was a hot teenage lesbian he'd...oops! I mean, she'd probably look just like this girl on the left. From now on, whenever I think of Fred, I'm going to have that image of sublime teen sexuality in my mind's eye...Don't worry, Freddy's (barely) over 18 so go ahead and fantasize about her.

Ummm...Did I embarrass him enough yet? At least I can say I did something today!

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Oct 30th 2010

I've been listening to "Love the way you lie" which is an awesome song. I had a monster crab salad for lunch. I mean, a big one. I tend to say, "Really?" a lot in casual conversation and my lunch guest was a doctor from Egypt originally, but now he's from Brooklyn. Anyway, he'd say something and I'd say, "Really?" you know, meaning, "That's interesting. Thank you for sharing. Please continue." and he'd smile and say, "Oh, yes." and then not say anything at all while we looked at each other.

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Oct 31st 2010

Halloween. Another opportunity for the commercialization of civilization. I'm in Singapore and they're having a Halloween Party at our hotel. "Wear a costume!"

I'm going as a cynic.

The transsexual prostitutes here are amazing! Even better than Thailand. I'm going to buy one. I skipped church today, mostly because the catholic church here (at least the one I usually go to) is kind of out of the way and I'd have to hire a car and it would eat up my entire morning just getting back and forth...There is no good excuse for missing church, and the atheists roll their eyes, but it's for me anyway. I mean, God doesn't care if I show up or not, so if I'm okay with it I don't think He'll be too disappointed with me. More than He already is, you know.

Mmmm...This is the last day of October, tomorrow is All Saints Day and I have to go to church then. It would be a sin not to, which makes it tempting to skip because that's how we're drawn closer to God, after all.

My husband calls that argument "Juvenile" and I just stick my tongue out at him.

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The end