Dark Apostle: Blog

Before I got the blowjob from your mother... and after. ar ar.

Aw that's made me sad now, we chatted every now and then, primarily with me getting jealous of his stories winning. He was a good guy, with a nice sense of humour. Aw shit, now I'm sad. I'm so sorry to see that one go. I wondered why I never got a response, well guess I know now. Man, I'm sorry to see you go Carl, may you rest now. And if there is another side, I'll see you there some day in the perverts section of heaven!!

Damn...

Just curious!

Ralf Lipshitz, a neophyte to the site, has already garnered a respectable number of 54 subscribers. His debut story revolves around a chap named Ralf Lipshitz who dies and wakes up in the body of Tommy "Pug" Anderson, an 18-year-old hotshot playing for the Chicago Cubs back in 1969. In typical Do Over fashion, the character becomes a wish-fulfillment vehicle and attains Mary Sue status. But alas, I am a sucker for Do Overs, and this story is no exception.

While the story's premise is intriguing, it suffers from several issues. The narrative voice and tense are inconsistent, occasionally shifting between first and third-person, as well as past and present tense. The characters lack depth and emotional development, making it difficult for readers to fully invest in their journeys. Abrupt transitions and pacing issues hinder the story's flow, with some scenes feeling rushed and others needing more time to breathe. Additionally, the author relies heavily on exposition and telling rather than showing, which can make the story feel less engaging. Finally, grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures pepper the text, indicating a need for thorough proofreading and editing.

But it's not all bad; there is definite room for improvement. The story's unique blend of time travel, baseball, and personal growth makes for a compelling read. With some refinement in pacing, character development, and showing rather than telling, Ralf Lipshitz could elevate this tale to new heights. A thorough editing pass would also help polish the language and enhance the overall reading experience.

I can already hear my editor NNPDAD banging his head against the table about commas. If he had a nickel for every time I misplaced or forgot a comma, he'd be rich enough to retire and never look at another manuscript again. But hey, at least the story's got potential, and with some work, it might just be worth the inevitable headache.

Dark Apostle recommends: toms120 The Find.

A story involving a magical book and time travel, hijinks ensure and a dude becomes rich. Short, sweet and a good read. Not perfect, could do some tuning, but I enjoyed it. Three parts, with part three being updated now. If you like Do Over’s like me, I recommend.