{Disclaimer: The following is fictional satire. All opinions expressed are the author's. Celebrities are impersonated poorly. I have no real life connection to any mentioned celebrity other than being their fan. I did not write this for financial profit. This is an adult fanfiction teaser, so please don't read if you are close-minded or under 18.}
Conan O'Brien: Welcome back to 'Late Night', everyone. Joining me here in the studio is AchtungNight, whom I will be interviewing about his latest celebrity erotic feature. Please welcome him!
[Applause. AchtungNight walks in, shakes hands with Conan, and sits down.]
C: Welcome to the show, Ach.
A: Thanks, Conan. It's great to be here.
C: The world of course knows who you are. You put out great original features that showcase celebrities' erotic experiences along with things rarely seen in Internet sex stories. Social commentary, pop culture jokes, action. 'Fear, Lust, and Vanity' had a car chase. 'Inside Out' had a massive street fight. 'The Rendezvous' was, in the words of one fan, 'the closest I've ever seen to an erotic Coen Brothers film'. Just last August, you wowed critics with 'The Beijing Streakers'- a story that featured both Olympic athletes and legendary Chinese warriors. How do you come up with these ideas?
A: They just pop into my head. I have to get them out. I'm glad people like them.
C: Amen. So, this new story of yours. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog reviewed some of its controversial topics last week and got lots of attention. I hear it's the final volume in a series no one thought you were going to finish.
A: Yeah. When I first worked on it, this series burned me out. The intensity of emotion I got into was a little too much for me.
C: But now you're picking it up again.
A: The burnout's over, and I left threads dangling. People are wondering why these plots were even included. I don't want to piss off my fans by leaving things undone. [turns to audience] Just so everyone's up to date, the series we're talking about is 'Passion of Erika Christensen'. It's a group of stories about sexual awakenings in the life of one actress.
C: Right. The first chapter had Erika losing her virginity, the second was her entry into the life of swinging and one night stands, and the third was about her first bisexual experiences. The fourth concerned her full immersion into the swinging world and conflict with a surprising love interest. I've heard this fifth story is different than all those.
A: It is. Time and responding to the desires of my audience made me change many things I originally wanted to put in the series. This final chapter's about tying up loose ends and giving a satisfying conclusion. It's still about Erika; it's just more about her using what she's gained from her experiences to help someone else rather than her experiences benefitting her.
C: And the person she helps is…?
A: Well, I'll give you a hint. The subtitle of this chapter is 'Free Katie'.
C: 'Free Katie'? Wait a minute. In the first chapter of the series you set Erika up as a rebellious Scientologist …
A: [interrupts] Which she is.
C: I know. You made that clear to readers. Tom Cruise told her she needed to do more to promote her religion's teachings and she told him to go to hell.
A: Well, not exactly. Erika's not a fanatic evangelist like Tom. She knows all the bad things the religion they share has done, and she would rather not expose herself to the anger of those her church has hurt by being one of their proselytizers. She would rather just live the good she sees in her beliefs and find her own way to happiness.
C: And in doing so, she becomes a free-spirited bisexual slut.
A: Basically, yes. She also becomes a good person who can and does help others for real. One fan called it 'freaking awesome!'
C: I agree. You can't go anywhere these days without hearing about all the awful things for which Scientology is responsible. It's good to see at least one Scientologist determined not to be a part of that.
A: Well, she's not the only one, Conan. They're not all mindless drones or corrupters. I started writing about them in hopes that I could help my readers learn not to see them that way. There's much untapped potential in Scientologist celebrities. So many inspiring erotic stories. John Travolta and Kelly Preston, charismatic swinging couple. Isaac Hayes, wise guru and sharer of secrets. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the perfect setup for a cuckold and his loving wife.
C: You've done all this. You're doing Tom and Katie in this latest story.
A: Correct. I must add that 'South Park' did Isaac Hayes as a sage on sexual matters long before I did, but I am the first I know of to write out my other ideas.
C: If you don't mind me asking, why? Why these celebrities?
A: Like I said, untapped potential. People are ignoring and looking down on these celebrities because of their church's abuses. I don't think that's the best way to go about fixing it so those abuses stop happening. We fans have got to be the support structure for our celebrities. If we shun them because of a few bad decisions they've made, where are they going to turn? More than likely, right back to the same people who have been using them and hurting so many all this time. I think we need to show the celebrities and the fans there's a better way to go about things, a better way to make famous folk into better people than just screaming about their misdeeds continually. Through my stories, I do that.
C: So it's all political then?
A: [laughs] Well, there's also the fact that these people are hot. I mean, just look at Erika. Great body, amazing actress. Interview after interview has her saying she is very proud of her physical appearance and doesn't mind showing off her assets.
C: It's surprising she's never done any full nude scenes.
A: Well, what can you say? Movie producers are prudes. So are mainstream TV audiences. That's where writers like me come in.
C: Indeed. The world thanks you for your efforts. So are you hoping this story will change the way people see Scientologist celebrities?
A: Well, after three years in this business, I've learned not to expect too much. Maybe. We'll see. The most I hope for is that one or two people out there will read my stories and decide to become more tolerant and understanding. The majority of my audience I just want to enjoy the writing and get turned on.
C: Do the Scientologists and celebrities agree with you on this?
A: I would like to think so. I have Scientologists supporting me.
C: Really? They're not cutting themselves off from you? What's the term, disconnecting?
A: Oh, heck, no. They understand what I'm trying to do. They back me. Yes, they're mostly Freezoners, not with the main church like Tom, and some did take convincing. But they're on my side, just like every celebrity I name in my stories is someone I would want on my side. I know it's hard to believe - I try to give the bad side of the issues that have divided the world over these people as much service in my stories as I do the good side, and not everybody's a fan of that. But these people really are supporting me. No Scientologist has ever taken negative action against my work as far as I am aware.
C: I've heard rumors, though. Is it true anti-Scientology people have taken such action?
A: I can neither confirm nor deny that. If such actions have been taken, they've only made me more committed to doing what I've done. I am proud to write banned books.
C: I see. Let's get back to the story. What is the plot exactly?
A: Well, as you know, Tom Cruise got together with Katie Holmes about four years ago. In doing so he ruined her life in the eyes of many fans. I want to show my audience what I believe happened between Tom and Katie. The reality, not any misconception given by the media or some biased organization.
C: By that, you mean any group for or against their marriage.
A: Exactly. I want to put down the truth about Tom and Katie, the way I see it. They're a couple with problems and this story explores that. Erika is their last resort as a counselor. It is up to her to fix Tom and Katie's problems - with the help of Keri Russell, Alicia Witt, and other friends.
C: I've heard Tom's only a minor character.
A: That's right. He doesn't even get any action. I don't think there are very many people interested in him these days. Sad - he was quite the big deal once.
C: Katie, though. She gets lots of action.
A: As she should. Katie's an attractive girl and very repressed. This story's going to fix that.
C: We have a clip here. Can we show it?
A: Please.
C: Alright. In this scene, Katie is being counseled by Erika. Her mind is being opened to a way of solving her psychological problems. Roll tape.
"I hear Tom's a real control freak."
"That's exaggerated some but yeah, he is." Katie sighed. "You know the name of this pie?" After Erika's nod, she continued. "My life would be easy if I did hate my husband. I don't, though. I love him so much." She took another bite. "I love him!" Katie declared after she had swallowed it down.
Do not jump on the couch, Erika begged her in silence. I hated when Tom did that for you on the talk shows.
Katie gulped her water again and continued. "Thanks to Tom, I have the chance to live a fantasy. I'm taking that chance. I knew going in what I was in for or so I keep reminding myself. I have a good life, mostly. Tom is the man of my dreams, pretty much, and the kids are great. We're a family and I don't want to break it up."
Erika nodded in understanding. "You shouldn't unless you have to."
"I don't have to," Katie said. "No matter what people think, I can handle this. I can handle my life. I just wish …"
Erika gave her an interested look as she trailed off. "What? You wish what?"
"I wish Tom would let me be free to live my own life. I used to have so much fun before I met him." She coughed. "Did he tell you about his little problem?"
Katie wiggled her fingers and Erika guessed she meant Tom's erectile dysfunction. "He didn't tell me but I read his file. Emphasis on 'little'?"
Katie shook her head. "No! His dick is fine when he can keep it hard. I know a few ways of helping him. He's great in bed most of the time. He really does care about me. But there are other sides to my sexuality he doesn't know about. I'm afraid to tell him."
"Do you mean your affairs with women like Busy Phillips and Michelle Williams?"
Katie stared at Erika in shock. "How do you know about that?"
"I read your file," Erika replied. She held up a hand to stop Katie's outburst. "Relax. I meant what I said about what we discuss going no further. In fact, when we're done I'm going to give you the names of some Scientology ministers who can help ensure neither your file nor Tom's is ever seen by unauthorized people again. Outside the church or inside."
"Um, thanks." Katie thought Erika was pretty and liked her open friendliness, but the other woman's bravery was really bothering her. "Wait a second, though. I haven't told anyone in the church Busy and Michelle's names. How did you know?"
"Busy's also my lover," Erika said in white lie. It will soon be true, she told herself, if our conversation earlier was any indication. "You may have seen us kissing onscreen in 'Home Room'?"
Katie raised her eyebrows in confusion. "Yeah, I did see that, but … you both looked very different in that movie." She blushed. "So how many lovers do you have?"
"I don't keep count. I give myself to whomever I want who also wants me."
"Other people let you live like that?"
"Not always. It's my life, though, not theirs. The way I live is the way that makes me happy. I wasn't always like this and I won't deny I have my critics, but it's what works for me. It's easier when I don't spread it around that much. I'm also not the only one who lives like I do." Better distract her, Erika thought, seeing the startled look on Katie's face. "Busy told me everything about you, her, and Michelle. I don't see how you went from that to someone like Tom, though."
"Do you know about my breakup with Chris Klein?"
"Was that the reason?"
Katie nodded and summarized how Chris had left her after "Dawson's Creek" ended. Erika listened, saying little. She extended a hand and touched Katie's wrist during the story. Katie smiled at the comfort and let out a heavy sigh when she was done.
Erika considered her words and then nodded. "So you've been downhearted ever since Chris Klein dumped you. The only time you've really allowed yourself to be happy is when you're acting. The rest of the time, you can feel good but there's always a shadow hanging over you. You don't know what to do with yourself. You've been letting other people, mostly Tom, direct you. Am I right?"
"I guess so," Katie said.
"I thought as much," replied Erika. "I think I know your problem. You're not living your own life. You think you have to let Tom and his people tell you how to live it."
Katie stared at Erika. She pushed herself away from the other woman and put the pie and tonic water down on the office table. "I do. Tom and his people know what's best for me. I must do what they say if I want to keep Tom in my life. I don't want him to leave me. If one of us has to leave, I want to be the one."
"But you can't be," Erika said. Her hands were making rapid gestures. "You won't let yourself. Look, have people told you about the bridge to true freedom and happiness?"
She continued as Katie nodded. "Well, there's something about that concept few people will actually tell you. No person or philosophy can really give you that bridge. You yourself have to define, design, build, and walk it. Others may advise you, even give you tools, but in the end, you should not let them limit you. It is you yourself who knows best what suppresses your spirit and what will make it grow strong."
"You're saying I have to be assertive. I have to be my own woman. The real me."
"Exactly. If you want to take and keep control of your life, you have to be yourself. If you construct and live in a shell, you will never be happy. Anyone who loves you won't be happy either."
Katie nodded. Makes sense, she thought.
"You see, Katie," Erika went on, "love isn't about surrender." She pointed at Katie's pendants. "Both your crosses agree on that. Love's about people strengthening each other in a good way and accepting each other for who they are. If people who love you know what's good for them, they won't judge you for being yourself. If they do, they're probably not worth getting to know anyway. That's what I have found."
"Tom doesn't judge me!"
"Yes, he does, Katie. He controls you and that's a form of judgment." Erika exhaled her frustration. "If you want to be happy, you can't let him do that. You need to be the real you and show him that side of yourself. If you're really a liberated woman, you have to show the man you love that you are. Don't worry about Tom not liking you that way. According to his file, just about every one of his past wives and girlfriends is that kind of woman. I think he likes the type. He's just not willing to admit it."
Katie frowned, confused. I've met many of Tom's ex-girlfriends, she pondered, and both his ex-wives. Erika's right. They are all independent. I thought that was why Tom left them. Did they leave him instead?
"You have to get out of your shell," Erika repeated. "It's what's holding you back. You're hiding from your problems and letting your life stay ruined. Look, Katie, you can solve all your problems easily if you just take charge. The hell with Chris, he's out of your life and gone. Never mind him. Your career? You've had a pretty great one already, but it will never be great again if you don't take charge of yourself. The entertainment world does not want followers. Trust me."
She took a breath. "As for the critics and the media, don't worry about them. Let them do their thing. If you're not what they think you are, then that's your best revenge right there. They don't even need to know it. Ignore their phony rumors and death threats. It's no big deal. They already don't bother you nearly as much as you think they do. I check the web every now and then and their focus is on the fanatics, not you and me. It was different a few years ago, but it is better these days."
Katie nodded at Erika's words. "And those guys outside?"
"They may not even be protesters. A lot of people like to visit Doug's club in costume. Did you see any signs or leaflets?" Katie shook her head and Erika grinned, relieved. "You see? Don't be so paranoid. That's the worst effect of not living as your true self. You're looking over your shoulder all the time and you have to ignore your surroundings just to get where you're going. I used to hate that. I think it's probably worse for you, though. You have children."
"Yeah," Katie said, laughing along. She could sense no offense in Erika's words. "So if I just take charge of my life, all will be fine?"
"Not immediately, but yes. Your public image, your relationship with your family and friends, everything that matters should improve. Some things you may never get back but they're not important. We live in the present, Katie."
"This doesn't sound like a Scientology ideal."
Erika shrugged. "If you want, consider it a set of new unrevealed teachings. I get it more from experience than from any religion, though." She looked at Katie's crosses, then back at her eyes. "Don't let anybody tell you how to live your life, especially not religious leaders who too often think they're God. They aren't. I hate that people like them are in power in our church too, but they're on the way out. We just need to keep the faith and not let them control us."
Katie felt herself agreeing. Erika can show me the way to do that, she thought. I will listen. Then another problem occurred to her. "What about my husband, though? He's one of the bastards!"
"He doesn't have to be," Erika said. "You can change that by demonstrating that you won't put up with it." She again took Katie's hand. "If Tom sees you out of your shell and he really loves you, he will show you that he does. It's okay if you're afraid. I've felt afraid too. I still do, actually."
Wise words, Katie said to herself. She was staring at Erika again. I like this girl, she thought, locking her dark eyes on Erika's blue ones. I really like her. No one's ever been so forward in giving me advice, so daring, so right!
She gasped. Oh my God, I think I want her. She paused for an instant and then took a breath. If she was going to be as Erika had suggested, as she wanted to be, Katie knew she would have to once again act on her impulses. "Erika?"
"Yes?"
"Would you mind if I kissed you?"
Conan O'Brien: Wow. Nice setup.
AchtungNight: Thanks. I wish NBC would let you show the hot lesbian action that follows.
C: [nods] Is that the only sex in this story?
A: Better not be. It's over fifty pages. I also put in multiple male-female-female threesomes. Oral action, anal, fisting, basic missionary; just about everything my readers like. We've also got a scene of Katie jilling herself on an airplane. She's been doing quite a bit of masturbating since she married Tom, you know.
C: Oh, he can't satisfy her?
A: What do you think? You saw the clip.
C: [laughs] I did. I wonder why my writers never thought of that. I've done many jokes about Tom Cruise and this one is funnier than any of them. [Conan looks at his writers, who shrug] You're all fired!
A: Whoa. Conan, I think you need those guys.
C: Are you kidding? I'd do better with monkeys! So what else can we expect from this story?
A: The usual things I deliver: Great plot and character development, inspiring heroes and heroines, funny jokes, and steamy trysts between celebrities and the lucky people who love them.
C: I'm sure your readers are looking forward to it. Will this be your last Erika story, Ach?
A: I can't say. For now, her story appears done. That could change. In any case, there are plenty of other characters I can write about.
C: True. You welcome all feedback?
A: Positive or negative. Bring it on.
C: I hope readers will. Thank you for being here tonight.
A: My pleasure, Conan. See you again soon.
C: AchtungNight, everybody. 'Passion of Erika Christensen Chapter 5: Free Katie' is coming soon to erotic story websites. When we come back, the 'Sisters of Mercy' gothic rock group will be performing. Stay tuned.
{This has been a satirical teaser. Apologies to my favorite living talk show host.}
Release date for Passion 5- February 7th, 2009, barring further developments. I will submit to SOL a few days before then. Stay tuned, y'all.
Visit http://storiesonline.net/library/author.php?id=5055 to read AchtungNight's stories.
- AchtungNight.