Chapter 2: Transformation and Asparagus

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.

Abraham Maslow

Both in fighting and in everyday life you should be determined though calm. Meet the situation without tenseness yet not recklessly, your spirit settled yet unbiased. Even when your spirit is calm do not let your body relax, and when your body is relaxed do not let your spirit slacken. Do not let your spirit be influenced by your body, or your body be influenced by your spirit.

Miyamoto Musashi

From what I thought of as a beauty parlor deluxe but that Cathy and Sherry called “the stylists”, we headed back to Nancy’s office. I guess they were right to call it stylist, as I never had been in a beauty parlor that had a wardrobe department.

We were dressed in similar styles, based on what they said was the mingling style at the club -- not that I had yet been to the club. The dresses were all stretchy and comfortable. Cathy’s was dark orange and micro-length. Rather than heels like the rest of us, she wore high-heeled, warm brown, knee boots. Muscle rippled in her legs. Shelley’s gown was medium blue and floor-length, but slit over one leg. Her waist-length hair shone in blue-black contrast against the fabric.

My outfit was an experiment, an experiment that asked me to change my awareness of myself. I had a micro-length black dress. They had put me in black boots, telling me they looked powerful. They wanted to try, later, with giving me a more dominant look, not so much that I wanted to dominate but because it would look powerful. I wasn’t sure about that, but I was certainly willing to see. I’m not especially into dominance, but I had been submissive for scenes. Certainly, I didn’t expect to do that for a while, and if I were never bound again, it might be too soon.

Preparing for desensitization

Back in the office, Nancy commented on how good I looked. “I feel good. That makeover was wonderful.”

“As we work, I want you to be completely comfortable. I’ve kept the drink cart here, and put some snacks on it. If you’re at all hungry, please eat something. You’ll need energy. I’m going to be decadent and have a piece of cheesecake. As the therapist, I burn a fair number of calories, so I know you will do a lot more!”

“Hey, Diane, even if you’re wrong, you’re tempting me. The problem is decision. I see some great cheeses beside the cheesecake, and also some German chocolate cake.” I decided to start with protein, and cut off chunks of Camembert, Stilton, and Gruyere, along with some still-hot bread. With that, I poured a big glass of cider. My guess was that it wouldn’t be served if it were hard cider, as I certainly didn’t need confusion.

An unhelpful boyfriend

Gently, Diane asked, “I gather that you and Justin sometimes did have a good time sexually?”

“Oh yes. He was very good with hands and mouth, and I’d get very wet very fast. Often, he’d finger me to a climax or two. He wasn’t as good with his mouth, but sometimes I’d explode to that. Justin, though, was an absolutely great fuck.

“The problem came because he liked to leave sperm on me as a mark, and I hated that. He bitched when it started leaking out of me and I ran to the bathroom to clean up.

“He also didn’t like that I wouldn’t give blowjobs.

“In my head, while I know it’s my right to choose, I’d probably like to get rid of those inhibitions. But I’ll do it in my own time, not Justin’s. I was bad enough for him to squirt on me on purpose, but what tore things was that he tied me down, and then got fifteen or twenty of his friends to jerk off onto me -- some people, I think, call that bukkake.

“The idiot thought that having all that cum on me would somehow make me like it. It didn’t, but even more, I was mad at Justin for tying me down when I was asleep, and then doing something that I didn’t want.

“From what I’ve heard of the motivations for rape, I don’t think he was trying to exert dominance. I think he was being stupid and insensitive. But those are enough that I don’t want him in my life any more. My bedroom is now a scary place. I don’t want to live there anymore.”

“Now, as to what you call spermophobia. It’s not unique to you, although there’s no formal name. Feeling that way doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or crazy. If you want to change your feelings about it, we can help there.

“In no way am I saying that Justin acted appropriately, but at some level, the idea of exposure to a threat is the way therapists deal with phobias. Justin, however, did it completely wrong, by confronting and forcing.

“Now, here’s a question that would help me point you in the right direction. Would you be willing to watch other people having happy sex? When and if you remained in control, would you be willing to try very gentle exposure by other people?”

“Oh yes, Diane.”

“Candace, if the level of detail we talk about bothers you, raise a hand. If we start working on your triggers, someone always will take a responsibility for protecting you. It might be me. We are bringing in a psychologist, Diane. I will also use, with your permission, dancers and other people in the organization, whom I think have superb judgment and sensitivity. If something is distressing, the watchdog may try first to use that as a therapeutic or teaching moment, but if it gets too bad, it will stop immediately. If you say safeword, it will stop immediately.

Relaxing

“Let me ask some background questions, and then we’ll talk about desensitization. Have you any experience with relaxation or meditation techniques?”

“Not really. In a class on South Asian art, we talked a little about mandalas, and tried visualization with them. I found it interesting but didn’t go farther. Since I do have talent in the visual arts, I can probably visualize quite well.”

Diane nodded “Sure. Artists have to be able to do that. Next, with absolutely no right answer, are you attracted to women as well as to men?”

“Oh. I’ve kissed some women, but never actually done anything sexual. I’m not at all opposed to the idea, just never have done it.”

“How would you feel about watching or touching a woman who has sperm on her?”

“Doesn’t bother me. If she complained about the feeling, I’d sympathize.”

“Sure, Candace. That could be the best way. They know that our organization looks at sex as a very healthy and good part of life.

“First, I need you to relax. Do you have enough room on the couch that lets you not touch your friends, although to be aware of them, if you put your hands and feet in a comfortable position?”

“Yes.”

“Some people prefer to do this lying flat, but as long as you feel like the couch back supports your neck, will this work for you? Do you need a pillow behind your neck or lower back?”

“No, Diane, this is fine.”

Diane started some relaxing music and sound effects. First, there was the Pachelbel Canon in D. Next, there were sounds of soft surf. “OK. I want you to become aware of your feet on the floor. The floor is strong and supports you. Raise your right leg, just a few inches. Arch your foot toward you, and feel tension in your leg muscles. Hold it... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5 ... and relax. Stay relaxed for a little while.

“Now, repeat with your left leg. Do it with both legs.

“Make a fist with your right hand. Feel the tension in your forearm. Hold, and relax your forearm and fist. Next, bend your elbow and make a fist again. You should feel tension in the bicep muscle of your upper arm. Hold and release. Relax. Repeat with your left arm and then both arms at once.”

I’m thinking of struggling against the bonds. Deep breathing. Relax.

“Hunch up both shoulders. Tense them, and your neck. Hold and relax. Relax your face, then raise your eyebrows, and then let your forehead relax. Squeeze and release your eyelids. Clench your jaw, and then relax.

I’m becoming aware of my mouth, and that makes me think of a blowjob. I’ll concentrate on relaxing again.

“Take a deep breath and feel how it tenses your chest and abdomen. Pause and relax. Let your breathing go shallow. Put your arms forward. Bend them at the elbow, and then move so both arms are in front of your chest, but not touching. Pull them toward one another until you feel your chest tensing. Relax.”

“Visualize your groin. Tense the PC muscles as if you were trying to keep from urinating. Relax.”

Seems like I work OK down there.

Visualize a wave of relaxation starting at your toes, and washing through your body to your scalp.

Open your eyes, and then let them defocus. Let your vision blur and relax. Count, aloud, from one to five. Be aware of your voice. Let it fade.

Now let everything relax, and don’t move until I tell you to do so. If you fall asleep, that’s not a problem.

Approaching the triggers

“How are you feeling, Candace?”

“Very relaxed, Diane. During the meditation, while I didn’t have full visual flashbacks, I was reminded of some things, such as being tied down when I focused on my arms, and giving a blowjob when I focused on my mouth.”

“That happens, Candace. Obviously, you moved on from then. That’s very good. Before we get into your specific triggers, though, I’d like to familiarize you with some things we do, which I certainly consider sex-positive and hope you will too.

“Cathy, would you discuss club mingling, blowjobs, and spit cups?” Diane looked for a negative reaction from me. So far, so good.

“Candace, our artistic, scientific, and medical research started with some hard core sex work. There’s a club on 14th Street, the Le Marquis, which was low profile but had some very intense shows. Most of the dancers would do what we called mingling, or the sort of thing that you see in movies of asking customers to buy overpriced drinks, for the dancer’s company. That company has a suggestion of sexual contact. We tried to be fair, and not tease but not deliver.