Chapter 12

January 1, 2013

Mom had been at work for hours while I sat on my bed and stared at a spot on the wall, counting every minute that took him further from me. I still hadn't slept when the doorbell rang.

Pulling my robe closed, I quickly tied it and made my way down the hallway, stepping over the clothes he'd torn from my body. When I opened the door, I found Jules standing on the front porch, still wearing the black suede skirt and jacket from the night before. She smelled of cigarette smoke, wine, and Chanel.

Looking me over from top to bottom, she snarled, "You look like shit."

I stepped back to let her in and she walked straight to my room, where she dropped her purse, kicked off her shoes, and climbed on my bed. With her legs crossed, her leather skirt was hiked up and I could see she was wearing some kind of garter and stockings with black lace panties.

She glared at me as I sat at my desk. "It smells like sex in here."

I sighed and nodded, unable to meet her gaze.

"Okay VV, spill."

I whispered, "I'm not VV anymore."

"So I've heard. Can you at least tell me what he looks like?"

I got my phone off the charger next to my bed and flipped through until I found the picture I took of him on the couch, then held it out to her. She took the phone from my hand and looked it over. "Well you've got good taste, that's a plus. At least he doesn't look like Joe Stanpolk," she said when she handed it back to me. "So, what happened?"

I shook my head. "I'm going to make some tea. Want some?"

"Tell me what happened!" she yelled, and to anyone else she would've sounded angry, but I knew, and she on the raw edge of pain and panic.

In answer, I grabbed my journal, turned the key to unlock it, and opened it to the page I'd started writing on Christmas Eve before handing it to her.

"What the fuck is this?" she asked, turning it over to look at the glittery unicorn cover.

But I only picked up my phone and went to the kitchen. I refused to think about anything, not Mom, not John, not about where I would live. I just moved my body unconsciously. My arm reached up for two mugs and then began filling them with water. Just as I was reaching for the tea bags, my phone vibrated.

It was John. "Are you okay?" I asked in a whisper.

"Yeah," he said with a sigh. "I dropped as soon as I got here. I just woke up. I didn't want to call before, in case you were sleeping. What happened after I left?"

"I haven't been to sleep yet. Mom is going to kick me out."

"What? Seriously?" he asked, clearly shocked.

"Yeah, she said that unless I end things with you, she won't let me stay here."

"So tell her it's over. It doesn't mean anything." When I didn't respond, he asked, "Kate?"

"I'm here. Jules just came by."

The silence that followed spoke volumes. "What's going on between you two?"

I had to shut my eyes. How could I tell him something I didn't even know? "It's complicated."

He was quiet for a long time before he spoke again. "Do you want me to come back and get you?"

"And bring me where, John, to your dorm room?" I asked, feeling the smallest spark of emotion, but then it was gone and I was back to being numb.

"Just give me some time. I'll think of something."

"Don't worry about me. I'll figure something out. I need to go."

"Call me after she leaves. Please?"

"I'll talk to you later," I said, hanging up quickly and putting the phone back in my robe pocket.

After I heated the water and made some tea, I went back to my bedroom where Jules was reading intently. I put her cup down on the nightstand and sat back at my desk, putting my foot up on the edge of the bed as I leaned back to sip my tea.

"You've got a way with words."

I could only look at her. Her hair fell around her face and curled under her chin. Her lips were full and her breasts were larger than mine, but they fit her frame well. Sitting cross-legged, she allowed me to see that her panties had an opening in the crotch. I could see her bare slit through the hole, and realized that her lower lips were the same color as those on her face. I couldn't stop staring at them.

She began to flip through the pages faster, skimming more than reading. "For a girl with no experience, you seem to have learned a few of my favorite tricks," she said when she'd finished, flipping my journal closed and then tossing it to my desk.

When I took a sip of my tea, I noticed she was staring up my robe. I pulled it closed and put my tea down. "What do you want, BF?"

She surprised me when she grabbed my robe in her fists and pulled me toward the bed. The rolling chair moved easily and I toppled out of it when it stopped, falling half on the bed and half on the floor.

Before I'd realized what had happened, she had me pinned down against the bed and kissed me. It wasn't a lover's kiss. It wasn't soft or gentle. It was like she was eating my lips, sucking them into her mouth and biting them hard enough to draw blood. At the same time she tore open my robe, reaching down to slip her fingers into me even as I tried to push her off.

"What the fuck are you doing? Get off me!"

There was no fumbling around. She knew exactly where to find what she was looking for. I wasn't strong enough to throw her off directly, so I tried leveraging her away. My arms got tangled in my robe as we struggled, and the more I pushed, the more tangled I became.

She licked down my jaw. When she reached my breasts, she sucked my nipples into her mouth as I bucked, arching my back. I tried to push her off, but as my panic rose, so did my arousal. I was angry at her violation of my body, but when her lips reached my stomach, I realized I wasn't pushing her away anymore. I was pushing her down.

Sensing the change, she forced my legs open, and as I untangled myself out of my robe, I saw her face disappear into my furry mons. The instant her tongue touched me, I grabbed her hair and pulled her closer. I was completely undone, out of my mind with anger and heat.

She took my inner lips into her mouth, pulling hard. I arched my back, holding tight at the back of her head, and tried to force her tongue into me. She licked at me like she was crazed, pushing my legs up and opening me roughly. She gripped my thighs and forced her tongue down inside me, using her whole face to rub me as her fingers held me open.

I cried out as she drove me into a release so intense I wet myself. Before I could recover, she shifted me up onto the bed as if I was weightless. When she dove at me, I met her half-way. Our teeth clicked as we came together, pinching my lip as we kissed, leaving her teeth stained with my blood.

Blood smears appeared where I kissed her, but I didn't care. I didn't even think, I just ate her up. Neck, breasts, and stomach, and then further down, until my bloody mouth covered her crotchless panties. I bit and tore at the fabric until it was open and she was spread wide before me, and then I feasted on her until she cried out my name.

It was finally done, the thing that had shadowed us all these years. My breath came in ragged pants as she lay with her eyes shut for a long time.

Eventually, I pulled my robe back around me and slid off the bed. Tears poured down my face while my lip bled drops on my hands and floor. I crawled away from the bed and leaned against the wall on the other side of the room, utterly disgusted at what I'd done. I wiped at my bloody lip to try and stop the bleeding, even as my fading passion and her lingering flavor contradicted any other emotion.

"I've wanted that my whole life," she whispered, still lying on the bed with her eyes closed.

"I hope you choke on it, you bitch," I growled.

Jules just laughed and rolled over to look at me. "You don't even know who you are, VV. One week of cock and you think you know all about love? Well, I've loved you longer and better than he ever will. When you have your little vanilla wedding night fantasy, you'll remember this and wish I was there!"

I couldn't say anything. Instead I covered my ears with my hands. I'd always known she loved me, but it was then I realized what I'd done. I'd kept her waiting all these years, with unspoken promises of someday, maybe, perhaps ... There were no words to repair this.

Sitting up, she began putting her own clothes in order. She put on her shoes, picked up her purse and stared down at me with ice in her eyes.

"Please, wait," I begged. "We need to talk about this."

"This?" she cried. "We could have had this for years! When you kissed me, back when we were still girls, you knew I loved you then. You joked about it, but you knew, you just didn't care. And once I realized I could never have you, it really didn't matter who had me, did it?" Tears were streaming from her eyes.

"Sit down, wait, please," I begged, trying to find some way to make this right.

She shook her head. "No, I need to be alone for a while."

After she'd gone, I forced myself to get up and stand in the shower. Under the scalding water I let myself go, shrieking and tearing at my hair. I spewed obscenities and vile things as I raked my nails along my body. I imagined being pinched, whipped, and beaten, and then I sobbed until the water ran cold.

In the wake of the storm of emotions, I felt as fragile as glass. The bruises and scratches made me careful as I dried myself off. The bare spot next to the sink, where John had kept his things, reminded me he was gone. The cut on my lip reminded me I'd betrayed him. It was still seeping blood.

Going back into my room, I dressed slowly, and then went into my closet and pulled out my suitcase from under the hanging clothes. Even though I had nowhere to go, I fully intended to be gone before Mom got off work. I got the essentials, but didn't want to make the bag too heavy, in case I had to get on the bus with it. The last things to go in, before I closed it, were my old journal and the calendar John had given me.