Chapter 36: Broken People

Lara was still awake when I returned from Brian’s party. Part of me hoped to find her asleep. I considered retreating to the cabin to avoid a difficult talk, but then decided it wouldn’t be any easier to tell her about my exchange with Pete the next day. The sooner it was over, the sooner the black cloud would lift, however long it would take. After chatting with my parents and Frej for a bit, I knocked gently on her door.

“Come in.”

She was still reading. I let myself in and closed the door.

“You’re home early. What’s up?” she asked as she peered at me over the top of the book. She was getting near the end of it.

I sighed. “Kind of a shitty scene at Bri’s.”

“That sucks. What was going on?”

“It was crowded as hell, for one.”

“Mm. Too crazy?”

I grunted as I flicked the cover of her novel with my finger. “How’s the book?”

“Eh. Sequel’s kind of weak. The first book was better, but even that one was only average.”

“Why are you even reading it then? Is it for class?”

“Nah. Just trying to take my mind off of real life.”

I realized that I was just avoiding the inevitable. I didn’t give a damn about Lara’s book right then. I tried to calm my tight stomach, finally finding the nerve to bring up my talk with Pete.

“I hate having to tell you this, but, uh ... I don’t have good news.”

Lara put her book down and looked at me solemnly. Clearly she’d been waiting for this moment, although I doubted she was expecting the misery of what I was about to tell her.

“What’s the word?” she asked faintly.

I looked at her apologetically. She looked so nervous. It broke my heart.

“Shit, this isn’t what I wish I was telling you, but ... that girl was at the party.”

Lara was stunned. “What... ? At Brian’s? Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding.”

Lara stared at me for a long while. “Are you sure?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “It was her. He didn’t deny it.”

“You talked to him?”

“I did. He came outside when I was leaving and we talked.”

“So he’s with her now, then.”

I took her hand as two tears streaked down her cheeks. “I don’t know if he is or not. He made it sound like he didn’t expect her to be there, or maybe Carl was involved in getting Jonah to drive her up. I don’t know. But he was acting funny about it either way.”

“Were they together? Hugging, holding hands? Anything?”

“They were hanging out together, but with the others,” I said, trying to make my mouth move. I was feeling very distressed as old feelings welled up inside me. “They were sitting together, though. That’s what made me feel weird. He was acting like he had no choice in the matter, but he was sitting next to her.”

Lara’s face contorted as she processed my news.

So this is how the year ends.

“Did you ask him what was going on?” she finally managed to utter.

“I did. I know you said to just tell him to talk to you, but after I asked him a few questions, I could tell he was out of his head. I don’t know, but the bottom line is that even if it was a one time thing, he’s not trying to make it right, now. I even offered to walk here with him so he could talk to you. Set things straight, but...”

I picked at a loose thread on her comforter.

“But he wanted to stay there with her,” she finished for me.

“Yeah, it seemed like it,” I admitted glumly. “He did say that you haven’t called him back.”

“So that’s it, then? I need some time to myself and he takes it to mean that it’s over? When he’s the one who fucked up?”

“I know, Lara, I know. I don’t get it. But I hate to say it, if he was really sorry for what he did, he wouldn’t be doing what he was doing tonight.”

“No, you’re right. I think the message is clear. He wants out.”

“Well, he didn’t say that, exactly.”

“But he wants out, for whatever reason. I should’ve guessed. Things have been a bit weird lately between us. Is ... Is this girl pretty?”

I shrugged. “I hardly saw her. Doesn’t matter, really. I think Pete’s changed somehow in the last month. I don’t know what it is, but lately he’s not the same guy I grew up with.”

There was a long period of silence, as we were lost in our own thoughts. Eventually Lara spoke quietly. Her tone scared me.

“I know why, Matt.”

I looked at her. “Why what?”

“I know why he’s messed up. Why he’s different lately.”

“Why?”

“It’s me.”

“You? What are you talking about?”

Lara took a deep breath and rolled to her side, facing the wall. I wondered what she was getting at. Has she done something wrong?

I suddenly recalled the night she had sex in the cabin while I was trapped in the darkroom. I still occasionally questioned if it had really been Pete with her, since her reaction to finding out I that I overheard the escapade had been very out of character.

“I don’t get it,” I said carefully. “Did you do something wrong?”

“I must have, don’t you think? No one breaks up with someone they’re having a good time with.”

“What did you do, then? Something I don’t know about?”

“No, you know pretty much everything, Matt.”

Do I?

“You didn’t cheat on him, right?”

There was a pause as Lara absorbed my question. “What? Of course not. Why would you say that?”

Her honest response wasn’t defensive in the least, seemingly catching her completely by surprise. Right away I knew: it had been Pete in the cabin that night after all. I’d been imagining things.

So if it wasn’t that, then what?

“I don’t know why I asked that, sorry. You said you did something wrong, so I just threw that out there.”

“I’ve never cheated on anyone. You know that.”

“No, I know. It’s just...”

“What?”

“This is going to sound really stupid now, and I believe you, really, but I need you to know why I just asked that.”

“Okay.”

“I was just wondering if it was really Pete with you that one night in the cabin.”

Lara turned back and looked at me, a frown on her face. “Wait, you mean that time when you were in the darkroom listening?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course it was with Pete. What made you think it wasn’t?”

“Just the weird way you acted when you found out. Part of me has always wondered if you were afraid I would have seen, you know, something like that. But yeah, it sounds ridiculous now. I’m really sorry I thought that about you.”

Lara sighed and her frown softened. She rolled back toward the wall again. “I’m really sorry about that night too, Matt. Normally I wouldn’t have cared. But for the first time in my life, I thought I had something.” A sob caught in Lara’s throat. “Something real with someone. But I was also so afraid it was all going to come crashing down, somehow. I was afraid of something weird like that throwing Pete off, if he found out. Kind of the same reason I didn’t ask you to take the pictures the other day.”

“Yeah,” I murmured, understanding. “He probably wouldn’t have taken it so well if he knew I was there.”

“No, not at all. And also he’s...”

Lara mumbled something indistinct, which she was unwilling to repeat when I asked her to do so.

“All right, so what are you getting at then?” I asked. “You said you messed him up.”

Lara was tense. I could sense that she was quietly crying and caught up in a moment of deep despair. I put a hand on her side, rubbing her hip gently. I knew from experience that this wasn’t going to be an easy week.

“He was cool until he started going out with me. But I...” she croaked hoarsely, “I fuck everyone up. Everyone I touch, it all turns to hell.”

It was my turn to be shocked. I looked for a hint of mirth in her voice, but found absolutely none.

“Shit, Lara, don’t say that. Please.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s not!” I pleaded.

She turned suddenly, looking at me with angry red eyes. “Oh yeah? Look at Julie, and how she treated you after me.”

“Come on, Lara, she didn’t really—”

Lara interrupted me with ferocity. “Don’t even try that shit with me, Matt. You know exactly what I’m talking about, because I’ve seen it in your eyes these past few days. I know that you’re reliving that mess. So strike one. Then we have James. Good old James, who is apparently a total wacko now. Strike two. Ronnie was always a dick, I guess, so maybe that wasn’t me. And now Pete. Strike three. So? Who’s next? Oh wait, it’s three strikes and you’re out.”

I gaped at her. “Lara, come on. You can’t believe that!”

“What’s your explanation, then?”

“Anything but that!”

“Well, when you figure it out, let me know. Name my good relationships, as a start ... See? You can’t, because there are none. Until you come up with something better, this is the working idea.”

“I’m not going to accept that, not from you.”

“You don’t have to accept it. But it’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now.”

“No, it makes no sense at all! What’ve you done to make people act this way?”

Lara was silent for a while before speaking quietly.

“That’s the sad part, Matt ... I was just being myself.” She sobbed heavily once. “Just being myself, and being myself fucks people up. Now please go away. I need to be alone for a while.”

Needless to say, my thoughts churned that night as I kept a mournful watch over Lara.

I received a brief call from Heather very early the following morning. It was still dark, both outside and within my head.

“Leaving?” I asked quietly.

“In a couple of minutes.”

“What time is it?”

“Um, it might be about six-thirty. I’m sorry, but...”

“Nah, that’s fine. Why are you leaving so early?”

“Looks like a big storm is coming in, so we’re going to try to beat it out. We wanted to make sure that it was okay with you.”

“Of course. Come as soon as you can. I need you.”

“We’ll be there as soon as we can. Everything all right?”

“Sorry I didn’t call last night.”

“No problem. I figured you’d be at Brian’s for a while.”

“Not really. I was with Lara. I think it’s over between her and Pete.”

I heard Heather let out a breath.

“Oh, Matt. That really sucks. What happened?”

“The redhead girl showed up at Brian’s, and Pete was wishy-washy about what was going on with her.”

“Oh my god, she was there with him? That’s crazy.”

“Yeah. Lara’s not taking it well. Like, really not well. Last night was a bit brutal, actually.”

“Oh no.”

“Somehow she thinks it’s all her fault.”

“What?” Heather exclaimed.

“We can talk about it when you get here. But she feels like she messes up everyone she gets together with.”

Heather was silent for a moment. “Messes everyone up? That’s weird. But let’s talk more later, Matt. I think we’re leaving like right now. I’ll think about it in the car.”

“Can’t wait to see you, but I’m sorry if I might be a bit down because of Lara, you know?”

“I know. I’m sad too. But there’s always the option to grab hold of the present and make it better.”

“Mm. Hopefully we can take her mind off it, at least a little bit,” I murmured.

“We’ll try. See you around four, if the weather is good to us.”

“I’ll be here.”

“I really hope so.”

I hung up the phone, my thoughts instantly resuming their uneasy pacing around my brain, whirring around Lara.

I could sense that Lara was sinking into a deep funk. The mediocre book she’d been close to finishing the previous night remained face down and untouched all morning, open to the same place. Clearly the pulp wasn’t enough to distract her anymore. Sarah and Frej had gone skiing again, so I had a long chat with Melissa about the situation before she went to work. I brought Lara tea and snacks and tried to help her out, but there was little I could do to penetrate the sadness that had descended onto her. I offered to play music for her, but she just shook her head. I took to reading my new photography books in her room, offering the occasional comment despite seemingly being ignored.

The hours whiled away and my excitement at Heather’s return was muted. It started to snow heavily around two, so I grabbed my coat and took a long hike in the already blanketed woods to clear my head. As Lara already guessed, thoughts of my nightmarish winter one year earlier had been rumbling in the back of my mind ever since we’d left Jonah’s party.