Chapter 26: Open up your Heart

There’s No Formula for Happiness

Monday Morning, May 19, 1975

I was just finishing breakfast when Garry called me.

“Hey, mate, you’ve got your amp there, haven’t you?” he asked. “I got myself an electric guitar last week, an early model Strat, and I reckon it would sound much better through your amp, not the pissy little practice amp I got.”

“Cool, the amp is here, do you need a lead?” I replied.

“Nah, I’ve got some,” he replied. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes; I’ve got this really cool record, and music for it that I want us to try.”

It was closer to thirty minutes before he arrived with two guitar cases, a new hard case in addition to the older soft bag containing his acoustic guitar. Once in my room, he laid the new case down on my bed, opened it, and held out his new possession for me to inspect.

“That looks great,” I said, stroking the highly polished body. “I love that colour effect and it looks in pretty good condition.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad,” he said, putting the strap over his shoulder, “and the sunburst colour scheme is cool. The pickup selector switch is a bit dodgy. I need to see about getting it replaced, but apart from that, it is pretty good, all original. Can I plug it in this one?”

He quickly checked the tuning, and then adjusted the tone and volume controls. After strumming a few chords, he started to pick the introduction, and sang. His voice wasn’t all that brilliant, but certainly acceptable.

G. Wayne Thomas’ music – it was from some surf movie of a few years ago I recall, “Morning of the Earth”. There had been a screening of it up at the Avalon cinema; a bunch of us went up to watch it, mainly to try to see some of the local beach scenes. As I listened to him singing, and strummed along with him, I thought just how appropriate those words were for me.

“That’s pretty good,” I said when he had finished. “I like the sound of that guitar, and you sing better than I thought, too. Neat song, too.”

“Thanks, mate, did you want to try it with me?” he replied. “Here’s the music.”

He pushed a score over towards me.

“Well, actually, I need your advice, mate, if you don’t mind,” I asked him. “I mean, you and Sarah, you’re still back together?”

He nodded his head, smiling a huge grin.

“How do you do it, I mean, how do you stay in love?” I asked.

“Um, I don’t know, I guess you just keep loving each other,” he replied. “But that’s not what you really want to know, is it?” I shook my head. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bugging you?”

“Ok, I’ll try to give you the condensed version,” I said. “Before I start, I’m going to tell you stuff I’ve never said to anyone else, stuff that I wouldn’t want you to tell to anyone, not Sarah, not David, no one, ok? Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah, sure, I won’t breathe a word,” he replied. “Cross my heart and hope to die, all that stuff.”

“I mean it, mate,” I said, sounding serious. “I can’t tell you everything, there’s some stuff that I promised the other person involved that I wouldn’t tell a soul. I know you aren’t one of those that gossip and spread shit around, that’s why I’m coming to you, and not one of the others, like David, or Peter.”

“Fair enough, I’ll keep everything to myself,” he said.

“Ok, well I guess it all starts after the August hols last year, when Cathy dumped me,” I said. “How I was pretty much a mess after that, not seeing or talking with anyone, keeping completely to myself.”

“Don’t I know that, mate,” he said. “We were all really worried about you.”

“Well, Lori took me up the river in their boat one day, told me a whole bunch of home truths,” I said. “She was pretty direct, pretty hard on me actually, really gave me a good kick in the arse. She didn’t try to come on to me, get me on the rebound, or anything like that. Anyway, through the rest of the spring, and into summer, Lori, Janelle and I hung out together, and one thing led to another, and Lori and I got pretty close.”

I told him about the time almost making love to her, when Mary-Beth interrupted us in her driveway just after Christmas. How we decided after that to let things cool down, and how Janelle jumped in - literally. I told him about the ill-fated night just after New Year, when I refused to have sex with her, and she told me off, and said what she did about Cathy.

“Fuck! She actually said that to you? What a bitch, I never thought she was that nasty,” he said.

“Well, it was partially my fault, I led her on, let her think I was interested in her, I wanted sex with her,” I explained. “To pull out at the last second – literally – that was pretty unfair on her. But that left me pretty devastated.”

I told her how when Lori discovered what had happened, she took me up the river, how we got really pissed, throwing up – but not making love – but how she was there to help me every time I cocked something up. I mentioned the few days on the harbour, not the details about what we did, but some of our conversations, and how she was hoping we had a future together.

“Then I really fucked things up with her,” I said, explaining about the morning with the pill packet. “I was a total arsehole towards her; I didn’t want to listen to what she was worried about, why she was hesitant about us being in love. We sorted things out a few days later, but I still feel really bad about what I did.

“Then Cathy got back from Brisbane, told me she was sorry about dumping me, how it was all a big mistake, and she wanted me back. I wasn’t sure; maybe I was still hoping Lori would come around, so I told her no. Anyway, since then Lori’s been hot and cold with me, sometimes all over me, telling me how we should move in together next year, when we are at Uni, other times telling me she doesn’t want to get involved.

“So, what the fuck do I do?” I asked.

He sat there for a while, not saying anything.

“You sure do get around, don’t you?” he said. “Not that I’m criticising, of course, but three cute, sexy girls, all wanting you ... I wish I had your problem!”

He must have seen the look I gave him, and quickly apologised.

“Sorry mate, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “I’m sure some of what you’ve been through must have been really hard and hurtful to deal with. I’m no expert on all this, but at least in my opinion, I think you made the right decision with both Janelle and Cathy. I don’t think either of them have your best interests at heart; they are each looking for something for themselves.

“I guess what you really don’t know how to handle is Lori’s reactions, how one minute she’s all over you, wanting to make long term plans for the two of you, then she’ll change one-eighty degrees. What is the reason she gives for being scared; does she think that at some stage you will leave her for Cathy? Maybe you still have some deep feelings for Cathy, and she can sense that. Girls have some sixth sense, you know, they can read minds and somehow know what you are really thinking, even before you realize it yourself. Trust me; you can’t hide your true feelings from them all that long.”

That was interesting, I thought; almost exactly the same as what Hannah had said to me the other day, that I still had desires for Cathy, and that was holding me back with other relationships.

“So, what the fuck do I do?” I repeated. “I’m not saying you’re wrong, I suspect that you are pretty correct there; at least in what she believes herself. But I’m no longer interested in Cathy, but how can I convince Lori of that?”

“First you have to convince yourself of that,” he said cryptically. “Do you really believe it yourself? And what happened with that girl you hinted about the other month, the one that just wanted a no strings attached, let’s fool around relationship? Have the two of you done the deed yet?”

“Well, she’s still on the scene, but no, we haven’t...” I started to reply.

“Why the fuck not?” he exclaimed.

“Just a bunch of bad timing things,” I tried to explain.

“Bad timing? Bullshit!” he said. “Sex – fucking – isn’t good or bad timing. All you need is fifteen minutes in someplace where you won’t get interrupted ... you do know how to do it, don’t you? Where to stick it in?”

“Fuck off, of course I know that,” I replied, punching him in the shoulder. “It’s just not as simple as that.”

“Bullshit, it’s only difficult because you are making it difficult,” he responded. “I’ve told you this before, but you never listen to me. You’re not planning a trip to the moon, or working out how to split the atom; it’s just fucking, as simple as that. Animals have been doing it for millennia; just follow your natural instincts. Now, I’m not saying you have to fuck anything with a pussy and a pulse, but if a girl wants it, and provided she isn’t going to give you the clap, just do it. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it. You know, sometimes I wonder if you are really a guy...”

“So, it’s a simple as that?” I asked. “Just go ahead and fuck, not worry about the consequences?”

“Is she on the pill?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Then what consequences can there be?” he said. “You’re looking for problems that don’t even exist. Assuming she wants it, then go for it.”

Maybe he was right, maybe I was trying to make too much of everything. This coming week I would try to find the right time to make love with Megan; no more excuses.

“Now, unless she has said that she doesn’t want a long term relationship,” he went on to say. “Don’t just fuck her and drop her, that’s being a real prick, and you’ll start to get a bad name for yourself. Assume that once you’ve had sex, the two of you will have some ongoing relationship, and unless you screw up, lots more great sex. But that’s the whole point, isn’t it?”

Exactly, that was the whole point. Just who among all the girls I knew would I want that long term relationship with? Excluding Megan, of course; she had told me that there was no long term issue, she just wanted some hassle free, and no strings attached sex. But of the others, who would I want a long term relationship with? Not Janelle, certainly not Janice. What about Cathy, did I still have feelings that way for her? The only one that I could give a definite ‘yes’ to was Lori.

“Thanks, mate, that’s been a great help,” I said. “I don’t know why I’ve been making things so difficult.”

“Seriously, I was like you before the first time,” he said. “Sarah and I had lots of discussions, talking back and forward, until we decided ‘bugger it, why not’ and did it. And we haven’t regretted it one bit.”

We resumed playing music and singing together, I had a go with Garry’s electric guitar, and his twelve-string acoustic. Being able to plug his electric guitar and mine into the amp at the same time, having the two channels with different volume and reverb settings for each was good.

We took a break for lunch, to give our voices and fingers a rest.

How You Treat Your Friends

Monday Afternoon, May 19, 1975

After a lunch break, we went back to my room to play more songs. This time I plugged the Rhodes into the amp, and I played keyboards while Garry played his guitar.

“You know, Mate, about last September, when Lori kicked some sense back into that thick head of yours,” he said when we took a break. “We were all really worried about you; you never spoke to anyone, you would just hide away in the library or the classroom, with that computer thing. If we asked you to come and sit with us, or do anything, it was like you never heard what we said to you. I was getting worried you might do something really stupid, or have a breakdown, something like that. Eventually we all got together and talked about pulling you back to reality, and Lori volunteered to do that.”

“Well, I really appreciated that,” I replied. “I needed someone to bring me back to things.”

“Now, that’s probably not going to be the only time you will get hurt,” he said. “In fact, getting your heart broken pretty much comes with the territory of love and all that stuff. If you want to avoid that completely, which I think is something you are scared of, then just don’t get involved with anyone. You have already experienced a big heart break, and don’t want to face the possibility of that again. But that’s a pretty lonely life you’d be committing yourself to. Just remember next time that happens, don’t forget that you have good friends; talk to us, ask for help. That’s all part of what being friends means.”

“I guess so, I’m not good at opening up and talking about my feelings,” I said.

“Crap,” he replied. “Just what do you think you were doing all morning, with me?”

“Well, mate, it’s different with you; I know you aren’t going to use what I say against me.”

“Fuck me! That’s what being friends is all about,” he exclaimed. “It means that no matter what we tell each other about ourselves, about our thoughts and feelings, I’m not going to think badly of you, I’m not going to use that against you. So you can tell me anything, talk over whatever’s on your mind, and not be worried about what I might say. Well, I might call you a bloody idiot – which is what you have been – but that won’t change our friendship.”

“Thanks, mate, you don’t know how much that means to me,” I said. “It’s easy with you, I guess, we’ve been good friends forever. But with girls, it’s so much harder, things get far more complicated. They are a completely different being, I think.”

“You’re not wrong there, mate,” he said, laughing. “And if you get them when they are in a bad mood, or that time of the month, you don’t have a chance. As I said, they have some sixth sense, they know when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. But that’s still not a reason to keep your feelings from them. Now, think of how you want them to treat you, and how hurt you were when Lori kept being on the pill from you, and wasn’t honest about her feelings.”

“Yeah, I guess the dishonesty was what really hurt me,” I replied.

“Now how can you be dishonest, and deceptive, with someone that you regard as a friend?” he asked. “It doesn’t work. You really have to treat your friends the way you want them to treat you; if you hide important stuff from them, or try to deceive them, then don’t be surprised when they do the same to you. Like if you are in court, tell the truth, the whole truth – but not the God-awful truth. I mean, I haven’t told Sarah about my time with Mandy, for example. She doesn’t need to know that, does she?”

“Well, certainly not if you want to keep her as your girlfriend,” I replied. “But isn’t that still deceiving her, keeping that from her?”

“If she asked me directly, then if I lied to her, then that would be a problem,” he said. “If she doesn’t ask about it, then why do I have to tell her? I mean, it doesn’t affect our relationship; we weren’t even going steady when it happened. But I’ve told her pretty much everything else, except for the girls I’ve fucked. But I don’t want to know which other guys she might have had sex with, either.”

I could see what he was saying; I just had to work out how that related to my situation.

“Now, enough for talking about my sex life, let’s get back to yours; or more correctly, your lack of a sex life,” he said. “So, of all the girls you know and like, who do you really want a relationship with? Cathy?”

I shook my head. “No, that train’s left the station long ago,” I explained.

“Janelle? She’s got a good set of norgs on her,” he suggested.

“Nope. She just wants someone to fuck, not a serious relationship, I think,” I said.

“Lori?” he continued.

“Yeah, we get on well together,” I said. “But buggered if I know how to work out what she wants.”

“Just accept that you will never truly work out what a woman wants,” he said. “It’s like trying to solve some of those math problems we get; there’s just no answer to them. But start by talking to her. It seems to me she’s scared that she will get hurt, because you will end up back with Cathy.”

“But she knows I don’t want that!” I protested.

“Does she?” he asked. “Tell her again, tell her why you didn’t kiss Cathy when she admitted she had fucked up, and wanted you back. That is, unless deep inside you really want Cathy back.”

“No, I don’t,” I said. But maybe he was right, and somewhere deep inside, I still wanted to be with Cathy?

“Anyway, that’s something you’ve gotta work out for yourself,” he said. “Then for fuck’s sake, TELL THE GIRL HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER!”

He was rather emphatic about that last point.

“Ok, I get the idea,” I said, smiling at him.

“Now, your other matter – the girl you have that wants a no strings, let’s just fuck relationship,” he went on. “Who is she? Janice Collins?”

“No, I’m not saying who,” I said.

“Well, whoever it is, unless she’s an absolute dog, go for it,” he suggested. “I don’t know what’s holding you back, but trust me, you’ll enjoy it. Now, you don’t have to tell Lori about it either, that wouldn’t be a smart idea. I’ll give you ... um ... three weeks to have the deed done.”

“Okay, okay,” I said. “Not that you’re putting me under any pressure, are you?”

“You don’t need me to put you under any pressure, mate,” he said. “You’re doing a good enough job of that yourself. Just find a time and a place, and, well, do I have to give you instructions on how to fuck her?”

“No, I think I can work that out,” I said. “I do know where things go, how to get her aroused, all that stuff.”

“Good; well it’s well past the time you put that knowledge into practice,” he said. “I’ll expect a full report by the end of next month, no wimpy excuses.”

I had to admit, I felt a lot more comfortable with both issues after talking with him. We resumed our playing; it was good playing along with Garry, trying different songs, singing with him.

After a few songs, we needed a break, and I got us some drinks from the kitchen.

“Now what we are doing here today is exactly like your situation with both Lori and Mystery Woman,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I said, confused as hell.

“Well, you are in a long term relationship with the Roberttones, aren’t you?” he said.

I nodded.

“But you can still have a musical ‘fling’ with me, and it doesn’t affect your stuff with them,” he continued. “Playing stuff with me, or anyone else for that matter, that’s just your bit on the side.”

“Well, now that you put it that way,” I said. “I guess it can make some sense. Not that playing music with you is anything like sex! You make it sound like a gay thing.”

“Fuck! It’s an analogy, dick head!” he exclaimed. “Sometimes, for such a smart guy, you really are dense.”

“Yeah, I know what you meant,” I said. “But seriously, thanks for everything you’ve said today; you are really helping me sort stuff out, get my head straight.”

“No worries, but don’t over analyse things; it’s just sex with a woman, after all,” he said.

You’ve Been Hurt

Monday Evening, May 19, 1975

After Garry left, I sat at the Rhodes, thinking about what he had told me. He had a simple attitude to relationships: “it’s just sex with a woman”. But who was I to criticise? Despite his casual attitude – or maybe because of it – he and Sarah managed to have a relatively long lasting relationship.

The first thing I had to do was phone Lori, and thank her properly for the weekend, taking me to the ball, and the day’s sailing. I know it ended up with her being upset; what I had to do was to assure her that I would be waiting for her, whenever she felt ready.

I went over in my mind all the stuff I wanted to tell her, so I wouldn’t get tongue-tied, or say the wrong thing. When I felt ready, I dialled the Earle’s phone number.

“Hello?” it was Chris on the line.

“Um, hello Mrs. Earle ... I mean, Chris; Will Morris here. May I speak with Lori, please?” I know both of Lori’s parents wanted me to call them by their first names, but it was hard to remember at times.

“Hang on a minute, Will, I’ll just call her,” she said. “Lori! Phone Call!” she cried out.

“Ah, hello?” I heard Lori’s voice.

“How’s my champion sailor today?” I said.

“Oh, I didn’t think you would still want to talk with me, not after last night,” she said. “I really fucked up the whole weekend, didn’t I?”

“No, Lori, you didn’t do that,” I said. “But that’s all what I want to talk with you about, all the fears you have about us; I’ve done a lot of thinking about what you said, I don’t have all of the answers, but I want to tell you my feelings, what I think about us.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said. “I still don’t know why you want me as a friend, Will.”

“Ok, just listen to me, don’t interrupt, I’m not good at this, but there’s a bunch of stuff I want to ... I need to say to you,” I started. “Now first of all, this bullcrap about me not wanting to have you as a friend; let me set that straight.”

“It’s not...” she started to interrupt.

“Hey – let me explain myself, without you interrupting me,” I cut her off. This wouldn’t work if she got herself worked up into another pity party.

“Lori, you are my best friend, and no matter what happened in my life, no matter how shitty I’ve treated you, you have stuck by me. You saved my sanity last year, kicked my arse when I needed it, twice, actually, once after Cathy dumped me, and then after the shit-fight with Janelle. And despite me not treating you like a good friend all of the time, you have stuck by me, always been fair with me, been tough on me when I needed it, and loved me despite how I am.”

“Well, you’ve been a really good friend to me, too, ever since I got here,” she said.

“Ok, so let’s agree on that; that we are each other’s best friends?” I said. “That’s true, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I could want a better friend than you, Will,” she agreed, sounding like she was on the verge of tears.

“Good. I thought that Cathy was my best friend, too, but see where that got me?” I said. “That’s why I didn’t take her up on the offer back in January of getting back together; you know when she got back from Brisbane. I didn’t want to go through that heartbreak again, and I know inside that would happen again, that she doesn’t see me as a long term part of her life. Next year she will be in Canberra, working on her plan to save the world, or remake the country, or whatever idea she has in store. But I know I’m never going to be part of her plan.