Chapter 9: Earning Trust

I woke several hours later, Tomas still awake and still holding me. Dawn had just begun, and the sky was beautiful in pinks and oranges.

"No sleep again? You be careful, ser, or I will start shouting at you in front of the entire group." He smirked. I kissed his cheek again, impulsively. "You'd have made a wonderful father, just for the record."

Tomas actually blushed. We both worked our way to our feet, and I followed him back to the camp. He crept over to the fire and curled up quietly to have a nap. I nodded to Aedan, who was apparently on watch. He gave Tomas a pointed look, then looked back at me and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. I shook my head, miming sleep. He made the same gesture at Theron, and I grimaced, shaking again. He turned to look at Alistair's sleeping form, instead, and then raised his eyebrows in an unspoken question.

Great. I met the guy five minutes ago and he can bloody tell I'm attracted to Alistair. Note to self - learn to be a better actor. I shrugged, refusing to confirm or deny. I wasn't going to admit to anything. I turned away to hide my blush.

Theron was sitting at the edge of camp, awake, refusing to make eye contact with me. I walked over and sat, facing him. I waited for a moment to see if he would look at me, but he refused. I opened my mouth to apologise, but he spoke first.

"So. Duncan, huh?"

I was speechless. So not where I expected this conversation to go.

"I guess I get it. I hear lots of women like older men. And, you know, he's a Grey Warden, and it's so... romantic." He put a strange emphasis on the last word.

"Your Majesty..."

"Don't, Sierra. Please. Just for five minutes, can't it be just Cailan?"

"Just Cailan, then. It's not like that."

"What is it like, then? I have so much more to give you, you know. Anything you want, you'd just have to ask. What does he have to offer that I don't?" If I couldn't hear the hurt in his voice, I'd have laughed. 'Just Cailan' my ass.

"So you've decided then that I am a whore? That I sell my body for things, or for power? That I should use sound, logical, business sense to decide who I will be with? With you, I'd have access to money, be able to influence the running of the country, so I should pick you instead of someone else? I feel so very ... valuable, right now." I kept my voice quiet. One screaming fit per twenty-four hour period only. Besides, I knew that he was just being a hurt child, and that he hadn't thought through the implications of what he was saying. I could be patient with that for a little bit.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"I do know it, but do you? Are you sure? I do know what this is for you. I'm an unknown. I'm mysterious, a damsel in distress. And you've probably never been told no by a woman in your life. You are fascinated by the mystery, but we both know this isn't love, 'Just Cailan'. We've only known each other for four days!

"And even if it were, try to think about this from my point of view for a moment. You're married. So maybe you put aside Anora, and maybe you don't. But even if you do, I'm not Queen material. I don't have the skills, don't have the pedigree. I'll shout at all the nobles in the Landsmeet and offend them all completely. I don't even know if I'll stick around - maybe I just disappear for good, next time. There is no way that you could ever have me as your Queen.

"So I'd have to be your mistress. And then what? Live in the palace? Anora would have my head. So I'd get a room somewhere, and have to sneak in to the palace to see you. Wait weeks between visits when you're busy with affairs of state. And do what, while I'm waiting? I don't exactly knit. So I spend all my time waiting for word that I can sneak in five minutes with you, risk getting caught and you being forced to end it with me, or being manipulated and used by political rivals in various schemes, or getting kidnapped for ransom. And then, one day, I get pregnant. And then I'm raising a royal bastard, torn between the fear that you'll love your legitimate children more - or that you won't and my children become pawns in someone's political game. And some day, maybe something like Ostagar happens, and you and whatever legitimate heirs you have die, and my poor kid is being put on the throne against his will just to keep the great Calenhad bloodline going.

"What, exactly, can you offer me, 'Just Cailan'? You can't even offer me fidelity."

Cailan stared at me for a moment, his face red. "Wow. You really must hate me."

I reached out and touched his cheek, gently. "I don't, Cailan. I actually like you, most of the time. You're handsome, you're funny, and you're caring. I think if you tame some of your impulses, you could be a truly amazing leader. I will do anything I can to help you get back on your throne, to help you find happiness. But you won't find happiness with me. I'm just not capable of giving you that.

"For the record, no, not with Duncan either. He's an adoptive father for me. I'm not bedding him, nor will I ever. I promise."

"You spent the night alone in the woods..."

"He sat watch, and I cried on his shoulder. That's it. I swear. Armour makes a better pillow than you might think."

He seemed to accept that, and some of the unhappiness on his face eased.

"So do you think ... could we be friends, instead? Or maybe, could I be like an honorary sister? I promise to always see you as 'Just Cailan', even when protocol dictates I don't say it out loud, and you promise to keep that sense of humour going, and we both have someone to turn to when we just need to talk or whatever? Could we do that?"

He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "I'd like that. I've never had a sister."

"Cailan, about last night..."

"You were right. About everything."

"I wasn't. Some of it, sure, but ... you didn't ask for any of this either, and you're trying to put up with an intolerable situation. I was angry, and well, scared." I ran a somewhat shaky hand through my hair. "I need you to survive, Cailan. I've seen what happens if you don't. Promise me you'll listen to Duncan, let him keep you safe? If you promise to listen to him, I promise never to shout at you again. In public, at least."

"I can live with that. I'd hate to have to use that rack after all." I giggled, and it felt good to laugh. He took on a mischievous expression. "So, if you're my sister, now, does that mean I can do this?" Cailan grabbed me in a sudden headlock, and then used his knuckles to mess up my hair and rub my scalp. I squealed, reaching down and finding a small handful of mud, turning to smear it on his face when he let me go. He roared, and I jumped up, running away before he could get me back. He chased me, and we woke the rest of the camp laughing as Prince joined the game, jumping and barking as I hid and he tried to catch me.

Alistair sat up, looking grumpy, complaining loudly. "Maker's ass, couldn't you make up a little bit later in the day?"

I finally collapsed down by the packs, digging through one to find a small hunk of cheese I'd noticed at supper last night. After I handed it over, Alistair forgave me, too. It's going to be a good day.

Once everyone was awake and fed, we all gathered near the fire to plan. Morrigan was even present, to my surprise. She'd spent the night as a bird, watching but not participating. It seemed ... lonely. I feel sorry for Morrigan? Huh. Everyone wanted time to talk to me one on one, to test my assertions that I knew them, to ask about the future. And I had no desire to go back to Lothering, so that worked for me.

We needed more supplies if we were going to be traveling, and we needed time to plan where to go first. I knew that plan wouldn't be cemented until everyone had convinced themselves that I knew as much as I said I did. I also knew we had one more companion in town to pick up before we left, and had to hope to find Bodahn and Sandal despite the changing events.

Since Theron, Tomas, and Morrigan would probably be better left outside of town in case they were recognised, we decided that I would spend a bit of time talking to Aedan, Alistair, and Leliana, then they would head into town and I would remain with the others. So while everyone else sat patching armour, cleaning weapons, or just trying to relax, I found myself wandering out into the woods with Aedan and Prince beside me.

First he asked me to tell him what I knew about him. I reminded him that I had seen the events through his eyes, so didn't really get the opportunity to know his thoughts or learn his secrets like I did everyone else. But then I recounted all that I could remember of the human noble origin. We talked about Mother Mallol, and the scholar Aldous; meeting Duncan and being informed that Aedan wouldn't be accompanying the army. His father's nickname for him - 'pup'. Fighting giant rats with Prince and Ser Gilmore in the pantry. Aedan got an interesting look on his face when I mentioned Roderick - Rory, apparently, for short - Gilmore, but I couldn't read it. Then running into Lady Landra and her son. Darren? Something like that. Saying goodbye to Fergus, and finally going to bed, only to be woken by fighting. Eleanor in armour, realising the men attacking were Howe's men. Finding Orianna and little Oren, even Lady Landra. Fighting through to Ser Gilmore, and leaving him to die trying to hold the gates while Aedan and Eleanor ran in search of Bryce. Finding Bryce in the pantry, dying, Duncan confirming he wouldn't survive trying to flee. Duncan's agreement with Bryce that Aedan join the Grey Wardens, and Eleanor deciding to stay behind and defend their retreat.

Aedan broke down and cried, and I wrapped my arms around him. I knew this was likely his first chance to mourn them. I held him, slowly sinking to the ground while he sobbed.

"I left them. I should have stayed. I should have fought. Mother, and Father, Rory ... I just walked away and left them!"

I stroked his short dark hair, feeling him shake as he sobbed. I whispered the platitudes I knew wouldn't help, but I tried anyway. When he finally looked up, I wiped his tears with my sleeve and he kissed my cheek.

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Don't tell them what? That you're human? I think they believe you about that, even if they don't all believe me."

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "So ... what becomes of Highever, now that the last Cousland had to renounce my claim to the title?"

"Oh, no! Aedan, I am such an idiot. I completely forgot, you don't know. You're not the last Cousland. Fergus is alive. He was scouting in the Wilds, and I think, maybe got injured, but ... actually, I don't know the details, but he survived. In the ... performance, he made it to Denerim after the Archdemon was defeated, and became Teyrn of Highever."

"Truly? Maker, you don't know how happy I am to hear that!"

"Maybe we can try to find him sooner, since we know. Not that I have any idea where he is, or anything. If I end up disappearing again, I'll try to find out."

Then we talked about Ostagar - the Wilds trip, the Joining, Daveth and Ser Jory. The fight to reach the top of the tower of Ishal. The ogre. Then being overrun by darkspawn and waking up in Flemeth's hut. Thinking, at least for a while, that he and Alistair were alone against the Blight.

We talked a bit about his joining the Grey Wardens. I wondered if he was bitter to be forced to join. It turned out he'd been chafing at the bit for a while wanting to get out of the castle, and had argued with his father over not being allowed to join the Grey Wardens, especially after learning that Ser Gilmore was being recruited. I made a mental note to learn more about Ser Gilmore eventually. Aedan was devastated that his family had been murdered, of course, but felt gratitude, if anything, to Duncan for recruiting him. Even more so once I told him about Fergus. I was glad - we didn't need a reluctant hero, constantly fighting with Duncan.

Talking to Aedan was ... easy. I wasn't awkward, like I was around Alistair. Not that Aedan wasn't good looking, but I just couldn't see him like that. He wasn't looking at me like that, the way Theron did, either. It was like we had been friends forever. By the time we got back to the camp, we were teasing each other and laughing. I could still see the sorrow in his eyes, but it seemed less heavy, somehow. Maybe it was just knowing there was one less soul to haunt him.

Once in camp, Leliana grabbed me and dragged me off into the woods also. I gave Alistair an apologetic smile as I was pulled away. She lead me deeper into the woods than Aedan had, and spent a few minutes scouting around before deciding we were truly alone. I didn't see the black bird that was Morrigan, so I figured we were safe.

"You might have warned me."

"Uh ... what?"

"The King of Ferelden?"

"Uh, well. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to talk about that. I'm sure you can understand why."

"You said you trust all of us. Did you include me in that by mistake?"

"No, Leliana. In fact, I probably trust you more than most. But it wasn't my secret to tell."

"That's no excuse."

"So you'd agree that it would be fair for me to inform the group that you are a bard, you started out as a spy in Orlais, and that Marjolaine, your mentor and ex-lover, is currently in Denerim, arranging to ambush us with the intent of getting you killed, just because I trust them? Leliana. I trust you. They don't, yet. They barely trust me. And spilling secrets isn't going to improve that situation." She stared at me for a moment, then looked away, face flushing slightly.

"It would seem that again, you're the rational one in this little group. However did we manage, in the performance you described, without you to make us see sense?"

"Aedan. He's clever."

"Hmm. So ... you know about Marjolaine?"

"Yes. I know she trained you, used you, and then betrayed you. You ran away to the Chantry to get away from that life. But she will come after you, when you leave the Chantry. She'll think this was some sort of strategy."

"And does she kill me?"

"No. But she won't stop until you make her, Leliana. At home, I'm sort of a pacifist. I don't know how to fight. It feels really strange to say this, but ... when you get the chance, I urge you not to show mercy. You'll regret it."

"I see."

"So will you come with us, Leliana? Have I convinced you?"

"I haven't decided yet. I need to think, to pray. I will, however, help your Aedan and Alistair in Lothering, at the very least."

"Thank you." I repressed the urge to hug her. "Now, next time I disappear, if you're still with us ... if I lend you a pair of scissors, will you fix Theron's and Tomas' hair?"

"You do know how to tempt a girl!" We laughed and headed back to camp. Tomas was talking to Aedan, and Alistair sat looking awkward as Theron talked at him. Morrigan was nowhere to be seen. I rescued Alistair, giving Theron a smile.

Alistair and I wandered through the now familiar woods, until he found us a fallen log to sit on. He straddled it, facing me, and I sat, self-consciously, while he studied me.