Chapter 1

My name is Katrina but my friends and family have always called me Trina. I want to tell you about my life and the mistakes I've made; maybe some of you can learn from my experiences. I can tell you right now that I'll be called every name in the book by some readers. Maybe I deserve it; time will tell how my life will go. The healing process for me has only just begun.

I was raised in the city of Detroit. It's the largest city in Michigan for those who don't know that. I have a younger brother and sister who I helped raise after our father left us. My mother is a nurse and always took good care of us.

In school, I had a lot of friends and was rather popular. My closest friend was Jeff who lived a couple of doors down the street. He was a grade ahead of me but we were best friends like, forever. Since grade school we hung around together and after my father left, he was my shoulder to cry on or at least my buddy to talk to.

Jeff and I were not boyfriend and girlfriend. We never really dated as a couple but did hang around together with other groups of people. My mom never allowed me to date on a one on one basis. I could go to school functions, even dances but she would take me and pick me up.

I can't tell you how many times we argued over the years about me just going out on a date. She would always say she was looking out for me and that she made the mistake of dating as a teenager and is paying for it now.

It was always about the way my dad treated her. After us kids were born, my siblings four and five years after me, she caught dad cheating on her a couple of times and she said she finally had enough and threw him out. He moved away and even though he was forced to pay child support, we haven't seen him for years. The last we heard he was remarried and living in Alaska.

I guess that's why Jeff was the main male figure in my life. My mom liked him but didn't trust any man. In high school, I was a cheerleader and belonged to at least a half a dozen clubs. I joined them just so I wouldn't have to go home every night and watch my brother and sister. I even belonged to all the choirs. I laughed when Jeff joined them also. He said he did it for me, that he was my protector; he always made me laugh.

I loved my brother and sister but I had to watch them whenever mom was busy or had to work late. I was an honor student and even got a scholarship to Michigan State University. I was so happy that I would be living on campus. I finally had a chance to get out on my own.

My mom wanted me to go to a college that was closer to home so I could still live at home. I knew I would never get out from beneath her wings if I did that. Looking back, it would have been the right decision to attend school locally. I was just too naive about worldly things. I ended up having to grow up fast and learned about life the hard way. I'll tell you more about this fiasco later.

My senior year was a bit rough on me since Jeff had graduated the year before and enlisted for four years in the Air Force. Up until that year he was my friend and protector. When guys would hit on me he would set them straight. He must have gotten in a half dozen fights protecting me. Thinking back, he never lost any of them.

I was mad at mom when she wouldn't let me go to the prom with Jeff his senior year. He ended up taking Lisa, a girl that had a crush on him. He dated her for a year or so and she always got mad when she saw him with me. We both told her we were just friends but she didn't believe us. I remember her saying to me, "You two are blind if you can't see it." Now I realize what she was saying.

I figured I was the only eighteen-year-old virgin in high school after listening to the girls talk. Mom and I had the talks and she told me, "Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. You'll find out when you're older. They start out telling you how much they love you and after they get into your pants a few times they look for greener pastures."

I kept telling mom that just because she and dad didn't make it doesn't mean love isn't out there for me. I knew she meant well and was just trying to protect me. I wanted to find that special person that the movies say is out there for everyone.

After arguing with mom for two months about my senior prom, she finally said I could go if the boy came to the house so she could meet him. The kicker was she would drop us off at the school and pick us up afterwards. We argued over and over about how silly I would look but she told me that was the only way I would be going.

Matt who was on the baseball and football team asked me to the prom. I felt stupid telling him the rules set for me if I went to the prom. I couldn't believe he agreed to them. He stopped by and talked to mom and it was all set; I was going on my first date alone with a guy. I thought back and wondered why she didn't do this for Jeff and me. I know he would have gone along with it.

Matt drove to my house and mom drove us to the school where the prom was being held. I have to mention I was quite giddy, especially after Matt told me how beautiful I looked. Mom and I went shopping for a dress. She let me pick it out, as long as it wasn't too revealing.

I remember her saying, "Trina, you would look sexy in a potato sack, God help you. You sure have become a beautiful young woman." I could see tears in mom's eyes. It was probably one of the most tender moments I'd had with her.

At the prom there was a food buffet set up. Everyone was going to eat first then there would be dancing. Matt smiled as he showed me off to his friends. I knew most of them since I was a cheerleader. When the dancing started some of his friends asked me to dance.

Jeff and I used to dance together at the school dances. He never tried to paw at me or pull me close like these guys were doing; too close in my opinion. I felt like I was half dancing and half wrestling with these guys.

I asked a couple of my girlfriends why the guys acted so weird. They told me that some of the guys were told I was probably a virgin and were teasing me. I told Matt about his friends putting their hands on my butt and he laughed. He said, "Trina, they are just kidding around, they don't mean anything by it."

During our next slow dance, Matt moved his hand down to my butt and squeezed it. I figured he just did it as a joke seeing we had just talked about his friends doing it. He smiled at me and then it happened; he kissed me and squeezed my butt at the same time.

I didn't know what to think. The odd thing was this was my first real kiss and I didn't feel anything. When he asked me if I liked it I didn't want to embarrass him and said, "Yes, it was nice." He did touch my butt a few more times but I asked him to please not do it in front of others. He did kiss me a few more times but I really didn't get anything out of it.

I was actually happy when mom picked us up. It wasn't like I thought it would be. I did tell my mom I had a great time. I wasn't going to tell her the truth and let her hold it over me.

I thought it would be a bit rough for the next few weeks until graduation. I tried to avoid Matt and his friends as much as possible. I felt it would be a bit awkward after kissing him at the prom and telling him I liked it, just to be nice.

I received some great news. My best friend Jeff had been through basic training and then he went into special training for nearly nine months. He was coming home for a visit. Mom let him drive me to school but only to school. I still had to take the school bus home. I was so happy to see him.

He showed up in his uniform the first day and a lot of my girlfriends came over to see him. I felt so proud of him. He took me to school every day and we spent evenings talking on the porch or in the house. I felt I loved him like a big brother but when he hugged me it felt different. I felt safe and comfortable.

Our three weeks together flew by way too quickly. He did attend my graduation and the party mom threw for me. I wanted to spend more time with him but it was my party and I had a lot of friends and relatives attending.

Jeff received his orders to go overseas into the war torn Afghanistan area. He said he waited to tell me because he didn't want to worry me and wanted me to enjoy my graduation. He was getting ready to leave when he leaned over and kissed me for the first time.

I felt something; it wasn't like Matt at the prom. I felt warmth and I tingled all over. I figured it was because I was crying and my best friend was going to war. When he hugged me tight I felt like I was losing a friend. I cried as he drove away.

Mom came out and hugged me. "That's why I didn't want you dating so young. It hurts when the one you love leaves you."

I looked over at mom; was she right? Did I love Jeff? It was then I realized maybe I really cared for Jeff more than I had thought; I mean, more than just a big brother. He had never said anything to me outside of joking. I never took him seriously. Mom had noticed it but I never gave it much thought. I just considered him my best friend. As I watched him drive away, I truly began to miss him.

Starting college:

I started college and my mom gave me lecture after lecture about boys, and men. According to her, all they wanted was "in a girls pants". She sure carried a grudge. I was surprised that she actually dated after her divorce, which she did once in a while. I was now nineteen and thought I knew everything; boy was I wrong.

When I started college, I heeded my mother's warning and spent most of my time studying. I guess her lectures sank in some but I still wanted to experience life. I did go out with my girlfriends and even danced with a few guys. When they tried a few of the hands on approach I explained to them that I wasn't interested.

I should mention that I did correspond with Jeff while in college. I would tell him about my life or experiences in college and he would write me about his military life. He never talked much about actual combat. He said he didn't want to scare me. Neither of us mentioned anything about our love life. I didn't have much to tell but he did mention he met a number of women and how their lives and customs were different. He never did explain what he meant by that.

He always told me to be careful and he missed me. We both signed our letters with, 'Love ya'.

I did attend a few parties but were always with girlfriends. We were 'brainiacs' and didn't drink or pop pills. I danced with a few guys and some tried to grope me but I was able to keep it to a minimum. On one hand, I liked it but on the other, I could always hear my mother's voice.

My girlfriends and I went to a Karaoke bar and we all decided to sing YMCA together. We had a lot of fun singing and dancing to the music. When we finished one of my friends told me I had a great voice.

I told them I sang in a few different choirs at school and they asked me to sing a solo. I decided to do it, I liked to sing. It was funny but I thought about Jeff and how he said he liked to hear me sing. We sang in the choir together but he always asked me to sing a song when we were alone. Since he was on my mind, I asked the sound people if they had 'You Belong to Me' by The Dupree's. It was a song my mother taught me when she and I used to sing together. I guess it was from her generation and I never forgot it.

They said they had it and I went on the stage and all I could think about was Jeff being away. It gave me the emotions needed to sing this song.

I started singing and the audience became very quiet.

I put everything I had into the song and even had tears in my eyes. I honestly don't know why but I felt I was singing to my best friend, Jeff.

Everyone cheered and clapped for me when I finished.

I went home the first summer after classes were over. Needless to say I got the third degree from my mother when I tried to explain to her that I thought I should be on the pill. A raging argument started with her calling me names. I told her I hadn't had sex but in case I did I didn't want a baby.

The only nice thing about coming home was, I was happy to see my brother and sister. It was hard to believe I missed them, but I really did. I took them to the amusement park and to the Zoo. They were teenagers now and said mom started talking to them about dating. She changed the rules some and told them they could date when they turned sixteen. I guess mom was still learning too.