Chapter 18

Our shower before we left was spent very quietly as we both thought of the ramifications of beginning to live together. She had about 3 months left on her lease, which had an option to buy with her payments counting as part of the down payment if she chose. She knew that if she gave that up and then we didn't work out she would lose over 10K and with her just getting on stable ground financially and within a few months of making an offer as planned to become a financial partner with Mary, she had a lot to lose.

After getting out of the traffic web that is Boston traffic we were finally on the Mass Pike and in a position to talk freely without outside distractions.

"Just because we had sex it doesn't mean we are any more or less committed long term to this relationship, does it?" I asked, hoping she wouldn't take that out of context.

"Well," She said beginning to well up, "I had hoped it would."

"My point is," I said explaining, "I hope you didn't say to yourself that once I was inside you it meant we were together forever and it was all clear sailing."

She settled herself down and looked at me, though I wasn't able to do the same as traffic was heavy, but I felt her looking.

"No, I've never thought that it was the way I would "hook" you, if that's what you mean. I hope you don't think I'm devious like that." She said, as if a bit insulted.

"No, no, not that at all. It's just we held your virginity with me in such high esteem that..." I started to say before she interrupted me.

"Whether or not I ever thought we had a long term possibility, I had already decided YOU would be the first, a long time ago. I considered the possibility of us being friends with benefits and in any event, for all you meant to my well-being and sanity, you were always the one." She said in a calculated tone, not something she made up in the last few minutes.

"But that's changed, hasn't it?"

"Well, ... YES! I would HOPE so, unless you've been someone different than I thought."

"Do you, in your mind," I said pausing to make sure she would think carefully about what I was about to ask, "think ANYTHING has changed in our relationship since you told me you wanted to live with me an hour or so ago."

"No! Do you?"

"No, but you've given me that impression, like you think I'm trying to run away or slow down or something. I'm not. You are the woman I still plan on living my life with. I just have little fears that if we rush this part of it all, it might create cracks." I said trying to allay any fears.

"Where do you want to go with us then?" she asked, almost like she was sensing a scheme.

"First of all, love is trust, and if you love me, you trust me. I'm not planning anything to lead to break-up. Trust me, godammit!" I said, a little pissed at her attitude.

"I do trust you; I just let my mind run wild, that's all."

"Well, for us to happen, that has to stop. Trust, trust, trust! You have 3 months left on that lease option. Let's go slow and have you move in with me slowly, say Friday, Saturday, and Sundays. When we leave work on Mondays, you'll go to your place, you know, keep it up, see how much living alone means to you, see how much we miss each other. Plus we can check out the market, find out about maybe buying your place and then leasing it ourselves as income property. As weeks go by, we can add days to our arrangement, move some things in, sell some things if we have to, or maybe leave your place as a furnished townhouse. That way, you can have an out." I explained.

"What do I always have to have an OUT? I love you!" She cried out.

"I loved Mary Belanger, and she loved me, but we CAN'T live together and we found out the hard way and now we have this friendship that at one time included sanity sex. Now there's still discomfort between us, but we are working it out. She and I have tried a lot of things, but she's too fucking flighty to make any man think she's stable, and don't EVER say that I told you that!"

"Is that it? She scared you so much?" she asked.

"She didn't scare me, she taught me that things are not always as rosy as they seem. We lived together, ate together, slept together, did everything together to the point where I was planning on selling my place and buying her a ring. Then one night, out of nowhere, after sex she said, "Why don't you go home? I don't want to wake up with you tomorrow. I need my privacy" I thought it was a onetime thing, she had something on her mind, but the next day I took her home like always, we made dinner, watched TV, played a game of scrabble, took showers, and if you know Mary, that meant she wanted oral sex. With her breath still smelling like my cum, she asked me to go home to sleep, she wanted to be alone. As you can imagine I blew a fuse with her telling me she didn't know I was like that, so possessive. She had no clue to what she had done and probably STILL doesn't." I explained.

"So I have to pay for her being crazy?" She asked exasperated.

"No, but imagine if I had done as I planned and bought the ring, had my place up for sale with a seller lined up, and THEN she did that? I hadn't turned every stone over, and NEITHER HAD SHE!" I said making sure she knew that it might be HER that would get cold feet or have second thoughts.

"Oh, I see your point now. I can't imagine anything would happen like that, though."

"Allie! Neither did she. Had I proposed a week earlier, she would have accepted, she TOLD me that. But she got this idea in her head and, BANG, we were done. Remember I said she was flighty." I laid out for her, hoping to make my point.

"I have to pay 3 months' rent anyway, I may as well use the place, keep it up like you said and be ready for anything. Will you spend some nights with me, besides those long weekends?"

"I'm sure that will be the case, especially after we go to dinner or a movie or show. It's not like we aren't going to see each other on those other days. Jeez, I love you and can't stand not to be with you each day." I insisted.

Allie thought long and deeply for a few minutes, digesting all of my words and realizing I didn't really want to spend any less time with her. Finally then, she thought out loud.

"Suppose a situation like last Easter happens, when my parents came to meet you and you were stranded in Vietnam for 4 days, if that were on the weekend, would I still be in your place?" She asked.

"Of course, if you wanted to. See how living in "our" place and being alone for a night or two is would be great, a good test, wouldn't you think?" I wondered.

Before she could answer I had to add, "You made that sound like I avoided your parents on purpose. That Icelandic volcano didn't spew ash into the atmosphere at my behest, you know. A 36 hour stay at the factory turned into 4 more days of waiting and wondering. I know I got back just in time to say goodbye to them, but that wasn't planned or welcomed. If you parents weren't so damned afraid to fly, they could have come many more times. I have plenty of miles to get them tickets."