Victoria the Girl Who Hated Her Name
Chapter 2

Copyright© 2013 by Bob Gilfried

July 27, 10:41 am

Bob,

OK, here goes, a test email from my new Hotmail account. 'Janet Weiss', yeah, 'Weiss', how original eh!

Enjoy that truck show - sounds like fun!

Cheers, Janet

July 27, 1:03 pm

Janet, Janet loves Brad. That's almost cute enough to make me hurl up the cereal I just ate :) Now if only there was a way to stick my tongue out at you in an emoticon ... Back home now. I was at the show about an hour. Two and a half hour drive each way. Just really didn't feel like being there. Too depressed.

That's the bad news.

Driving is very good for my thinking. Came to a few realizations but all is now right in my world. Depression is gone. Really need to talk to Sarah more. She doesn't start work for a couple more hours. Will explain everything later. You are so going to love the 2 part conversation I had in my mind. I pictured it as if it were filmed for tv. Imagine John Cleese sitting at a table giving a second John Cleese a lecture.

You even have a line. You called me a twat.

Laters, Bob

July 27, 4:20pm

Bob,

Remember in 'Brad and Janet' how Frank loves the mischievous side of my personality he unwittingly unleashed?

Well, I seriously thought to myself 'what will really wind-up Bob? Yeah, I know, a sickly-sweet email addy!' - looks like I was right! ;)

BTW, this is the emoticon for 'sticking your tongue out': :P

Sorry you didn't enjoy the truck show - that's too bad mate. Nice that you later got your thoughts collected together though - I too shall do some thinking over the next few days. Good luck with the talk with Sarah and looking forward to your explanation - I'm intrigued too.

I'm at Franks house, on my laptop (on their WIFI) - we have decided to travel early tomorrow rather than tonight so that we can watch the Olympic games opening ceremony on the large-screen TV. But, this addy should work on my BlackBerry - I'll find out tomorrow.

BTW, some good news (for me) - Rocky sent me a text tonight - he's heard from Frank: 'all is well', that's all I know, but it's good enough for me :)

Cheers, Janet

July 27, 5:07pm

Janet,

Have fun at the lake. You deserve a break. At least your boss thinks so. Very glad to hear Frank is ok. Which brings up something, I kind of have to reread what I've already sent you-thank heavens I only clear out my sent box once per year. There has been something I have been holding off on bringing up under the assumption that at some point Frank would be reading the emails between us. I'd kind of like to delve a little deeper into something but I want you to read it very carefully before deciding to share it with him. Nothing naughty as it's all about him to begin with. I'm just concerned I might hit a little too close to home with some of the things. So would you mind keeping this account active for a little while?

I did have another talk with Sarah. Here's a twist. For the first time since mid June I'm feeling happy again and I manage to get myself in the doghouse. We don't have a doghouse and the couch is shorter than I am and lousy to sleep on. It'll be fine in a couple of days. I'm too big for her to throw me out of the bedroom against my will, she just needs a little time to see the perceived threat is not really there and all will be well again.

Moment of clarification if you would indulge me for just a sec. It's about Patricia. When I said she knows I was referring only to how Frank feels about you. She also can't have missed the look in your eyes when you look at him.

Now this part I almost hate to do to you but I'm going too anyway. I'm giving you homework. Write Frank a letter explaining to him some of the things you have told me. There are more long emails from me coming I also want to discuss what you said about being terrified of other men etc. That is COMPLETELY NORMAL for a person with your past. Don't go being hard on yourself. Healing takes time and you have already made far more progress than others have.

There is a story I have to recommend to you too. And yes I do remember it was you that set me up with Rebecca Danced. Anyhow I have been debating telling you about this one for a couple of days and decided to leave you to decide. It is Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood. There are some aspects of Sophia (the heroine) that will hit a little close to home in the opening but that isn't the worry. If you do read the story I strongly recommend skipping chapter 38. That will hit extremely close to your past. Ends well though.

Now on a lighter note. Did Frank really buy Nell a pocket rocket? I bet she turned 14 shades of purple when she got up to her room and opened it.

Bob

July 27, 2:08am

Janet,

I had intended to keep any email to you at the cabin on the lighter side-just you wait till I replay the conversation I had with myself. I wasn't sitting there talking to myself or anything, I just pictured it as if another version of me sat me down at a table and had a conversation. Maybe I've been reading too many time travel stories. You should get a laugh or two out of it. We have been covering some pretty intense ground and I figured you could use a break from that too to go with the break from work. But I thought this was too important to wait. Also I am going to quote your email directly with my thoughts. I'll put your part first and write my own feelings beneath it.

"Your last two emails made me think, long and hard, and I think you're mostly right in your thought process. Yes, I do love Frank exactly in the way you describe. I do see him as a father figure as well as a lover too."

Which is exactly the problem. Understandable of course. Some of it is the age thing. Some of it is exactly why some of the people who responded said Frank shouldn't have made love to you. I almost don't want to tell you this for fear of messing up our friendship but I have to. This is how brutally honest jumps up to bite me in the ass and the reason why a lot of people find me shall we say not to their liking.

Back to chapter 7 again. not that part but a couple of paragraphs above when you asked Frank to make love to you. When I was reading the story I thought he was wrong too. I understand your motives. I understand why he did. It's just I think it is a significant factor in the issues that are going on now. I know, I know, also a VERY significant part of your healing process. The irony is I don't think you would be as far in healing as you are if he hadn't. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. As long as you do not regret it than it was a good thing.

"But when I say I'm terrified of being intimate with another bloke, it isn't just my love for Frank holding me back. It is a real fear. As I told you yesterday, Brad is the sweetest lad imaginable. But what if he turns out to be a monster behind a closed door?"

This is a very legitimate fear.

Completely understandable, all things considered. I have nothing to cure it either. No magic here.

Having a weapon may help you mentally. I carry a knife or two almost everywhere I go. If you do decide to carry a knife you need something with an easy access blade. Switchblade would be the best combination of size and function. Right now just behind the front seat of my pickup is a particularly nasty all steel demolition hammer.

At some point you will have to take a chance but that point in time is not now. You yourself said you are not ready. Brad may be the right one to do this with, he might not. Whoever it is, is going to have to understand that you need to move very, very, very slowly. None of this sex on the third date shit.

Does Brad know what happened to you? I know what was in Brad and Janet. I suspect there were more attacks than what you allowed in the story. Hell I KNOW there were more attacks. Any man you consider becoming intimate with is going to have to know what he is getting into. You don't have to say how many times it happened or give details of any attacks but this man does NEED to know that you were raped and that it happened more than once. Some men just will not be able to cope with that and will run for the hills. Sorry.

The person you do decide to try and move on with needs to know this happened because he will need to be extra patient and extra, extra supportive. He will also need to be veeery respectful of boundaries you set.

Brad does have a few things going for him. He did ASK before he kissed you. When he did kiss you he kissed you on the cheek. Those are good signs.

There is no pressure on time here. Take the time you need and for Christ's sake don't rush into anything. Do not be too hard on yourself. It took 16 years to fuck your head its going to take more than 2 years and 9 months to un-fuck it.

"How can I judge that?"

I wish I knew but about the only idea I have is observation. Watch how he treats other women. Watch how he treats EVERY woman. See if there is a flash of anger toward a waitress who makes a mistake or if he blows it off like it's no big deal.

"That's my fear. Yeah, so okay, I might be able to kick him in the balls and hurt him if he does turn out to be like that. But then how could I continue to work with him?"

You couldn't. Not even an option. He would simply have to be let go from the firm. Yes him. You are a special case because of your traumatic past. If you were just an average young woman the two of you would simply have to avoid each other.

"These are all the irrational thoughts that go through my mind."

Irrational? IRRATIONAL????????? What are you, out of your fucking mind??????? THERE IS NOTHING IRRATIONAL ABOUT THESE FEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE MISSY, YOU WERE THE VICTIM OF REPEATED TERRIBLE CRIMES! Some women NEVER heal from being raped. Some women who have been raped are INCAPEABLE of having a loving relationship with a man afterwards. I am still AMAZED, AMAZED you managed to trust Frank when you did. "I do really want to try and move on - I know Frank is right in what he says, even though moving on will hurt me as much as it will him, but ... My other fear is what if my potential younger partner objects to my close friendship with Frank?"

Then to hell with him.

But this is another thing that is going to have to be explained in advance. Your situation is even worse than the typical rape victim as it was your mother who exposed you to these people. I use the terms mother and people extremely loosely. Whoever you try to become intimate with is going to have to know that Frank was the first person you were ever able to trust in your life that did not hurt you. This person is going to have to know that you have a special bond with Frank and that you always will. "I don't mean the physical side, the 'making love', obviously that would cease, but I will never stop loving him, I'll always want him as a close companion, my best mate. I'll still want to go on walks with him on the Wolds, possible alone etc. Will a potential partner be able to accept that close albeit platonic relationship without feeling jealous or 'second in line'? I doubt it."

Depends on the bloke. Older guys are usually more secure with themselves and far less jealous. I'm thinking more like 25 compared to 18 mind you. Lots of people continue platonic relationships with former partners even though the romantic part has ended. Surely Brad knows you and Frank are close right? I'm not saying Brad is the right or wrong person to try this with. Just saying he might be. Take your time whatever you do.

Whatever you do trust yourself. If you are ready fine. If not that is just fine too.

Bob

July 29, 9:13 am

Bob,

Sorry for the tardy response – BlackBerry and the Lakes are not good bed fellows. The last time I stayed here, email was the last thing on my mind ... Anyway, I've driven To Keswick and I'm now in an Internet Cafe to send you and others some replies.

I agree with all your advice and thoughts. You are clearly a sensitive, caring person, full of what Frank calls 'emotional intelligence'. Nell is full of that too. BUT, you must stop defending me against myself. Yes, when I'm 'brutally honest' with myself (your fault, your phrase, I like it and I'm adopting it now). Despite what you say to the contrary, my fears ARE irrational.

Four years ago, before I ran away from home, they wouldn't have been. Then, my fears were justified as every man I came close to at home abused me in some form or other. Now, after nearly three years of being surrounded by blokes, from all walks of life that have shown me everything but abuse, the vastly rational side of my personality ('normal, everyday Janet') knows I have nothing to fear. 'Irrational Janet' (what Frank refers to as 'child-like Janet' and 'Red mist Janet' – BTW, the latter, she's not a nice person!) still harbours those fears and they over-rule rational, sensible, rehabilitated Janet. So Bob, allow me my self-deprecation – it's me 'thinking aloud' in print. You don't have to be my 'white knight', though it is appreciated.

Now all that said and maybe I risk offending you. I'm wary (read alarm bells, red flashing lights in my head) of: the fact you wish me to keep this temporary Hotmail account open to share thoughts with me alone and not with Frank.

Irrational Janet comes to the fore and says 'whoa, what's this all about girl? Where's this going?" See? Sorry Bob, don't take it to heart and yes, it's only words in an email; you're a 'pen friend' in old terms and even if you come to the UK to try and find me, there's 65 million people here, so you'd struggle to find and then stalk me. I know all this – this is what rational Janet tries to tell cynical, jaded, wary and cautious 'irrational Janet.'

As for writing a letter to Frank, allow me to be the dumb blonde here, but what purpose would that serve? Frank knows all my thoughts and once he returns he will see everything we've written to each other on his Hushmail account, so what gives? We don't write gooey letters to each other, never have! But as I state, 'dumb blonde Janet' here; I must be missing the point!

And yes, Frank really did buy Nell a 'pocket rocket'. We discussed it. Once she overcame her shock, she thought it was the most amazing demonstration of recognition of her transformation to womanhood her Dad could possibly show her. You have to understand, Nell and Franks relationship is amazing and quite awesome. They are extremely close and in-tune with each other (and NO, not like that – nothing sinister!). Nell is the envy of her friends – they all wish their Dad's could be more like Frank. In fact, one of Nells friends has a girly crush on him – I'm not naming her and knowing that Frank will read this (as I shall forward all emails from this account to Hushmail) he's going to know and I shall enjoy watching him squirm with curiosity! (yeah Bob, 'mischievous Janet' there- do you like 'her'?)

Better go. Don't be offended by some of the things I've written above – explain a little better for the 'dumb blonde' why you want a 'one to one' email facility, then I might be okay about it. BTW, I'm pleased for you that writing to me has helped you in some ways with your own problems – I don't know what I did, but if it's helped you, then that's all that matters.

Not sure when I'll get to this cafe again; perhaps tomorrow.

Cheers, Janet

July 29, 11:49 am

Janet,

The conversation that played out in my mind is all about how I rediscovered what I thought I had lost. The love I now feel again for my Sarah. I'm going to go ahead and spoil my own story here but I watched her sleep that night and again last night and it was there. For the first time in weeks it was there. The same warm feeling I always got watching her. So now I've spoiled the story a bit but it should still be at least a little amusing. I reaaaallly should have explained that better. So, so sorry it came off the wrong way. I fucked that up royally.

You have trouble reading peoples emotions I have trouble remembering my sense of humor doesn't come across email either. That whole tone of voice issue. It actually should be pretty funny...

Here in the US we call them pen pals and I think of you the same way. I am sorry I didn't explain more. I really should have.

The only reason I asked you to keep the account open was because I had some thoughts on Frank that might or might not have hit a little close to home for him and I didn't want to offend him. I just couldn't remember if I'd already got them out or not and there was only going to be ONE email on the subject. Also pretty sure it doesn't matter anyway as I'm reasonably certain I already put most of that stuff out there.

I am so sorry for the confusion I must have caused. Let me make some things perfectly clear. I am not falling in love with you. I am never going to come looking for you--Unless you run Nynehead Books--and even then I wouldn't know it was you. I have no intention of ever trying to find you, Frank or anyone else. I do think you are a special person and I'd like to think of you as a good friend. Would really enjoy giving the old credit card a workout at Nynehead Books though ... Besides the normal touristy places to see in England its really the only other place I am interested in. Like most Americans I do not have a passport-and with the new rules I may never get one. The rules changed a couple of years ago for first time US Passports. You have to document BOTH parents. This is somewhat problematic for me because my fathers name is not on my birth certificate or any other legal documents. I've never even met him.

Actually I think Franks pocket rocket idea may just be a tiny hair short of brilliant. Recognizing his "little girls" transition from little girl to woman is not easy for fathers. I suspect Nell is going to turn out to be one of the most we call it "well adjusted" young ladies around. A close relationship with a loving father is going to give her an excellent idea of what future relationships with men should be like. What she should expect-no scratch that DEMAND from her future partners. Things like being emotionally supportive, kind, caring compassionate and lets not forget respect--you get the idea I hope.

 
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