"Kids are great ain't they? You never know what the little buggers are going to say. A little boy was attending his first wedding and after the service his cousin asked him:
"How many women can marry a man?"
"Sixteen" the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy" the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up like the pastor said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say" he asked.
"God tells me."
"Oh? Then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl was in Sunday school class and the Sunday school teacher asked:
"Now Susie, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir" little Susie replied. "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
And finally, a little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek while she was alternately stroking her own. Finally she spoke up and asked:
"Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long, long time ago."
"Did God make me too?"
"Oh yes indeed honey" the old man replied. "He made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again she observed, "God's getting better at it isn't he?"
As I laughed along with the rest of the patrons I thought back on the series of evens that brought me back to the Landing Strip lounge on open mike night. It was here that it all started. Well no, not actually; it was here that it exploded on us. It really started the day that Jan came to work for the company where I worked.
Jan was a beautiful sexy looking woman with a husband and four kids. I fully admit that I fell instantly in lust with Jan, but I guess that I'm kind of a weird duck in that I won't go after married women no matter how many iron bar hard ons they give me, but on the other hand I'd fuck a married woman in a heartbeat if she makes the first move. Jan never made that move even though I flirted with her outrageously.
I met her family at the company picnic and her husband seemed nice enough, but he was overweight, balding and judging from the way he handled the beer at the picnic he was probably a bit of a drunk. Just didn't make sense to me, but then what did I know? Jan could have been a size queen and her husband might have a ten inch dick. Whatever. It didn't stop me from flirting with her.
At the company Christmas party he was two-thirds into the bag forty-five minutes into the party and it gave him three left feet if you take my meaning and Jan loved to dance so I elected myself to see to it that she got as much floor time as she wanted. There were lots of slow dances and during them I held Jan close. I did mention that she was sexy right? Well holding her close had the effect on me that you would expect and several times Jan came in contact with my hard on. She never said a word, but she didn't pull away either.
About two hours into the party I was dancing with her when the music ended. We stopped where we were and waited for the next number to start and while waiting she asked:
"Look where we are."
I looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary and she giggled and said:
I looked up and saw that we were standing under a clump of mistletoe. "Give you any ideas?" Jan asked. I looked over at our table and her husband was passed out.
"Don't be looking over there. I'm here."
So I kissed her. She surprised me by giving me some tongue so I gave a little back. Then the music started again and we went back to dancing. Twice she steered me under a clump of mistletoe and both times I kissed her I got tongue. I began to think that Jan was telling me that she wanted to play. Of course I couldn't do anything that night because her husband was there, but now that I had gotten the signal there would be other times and I just hoped they would be soon.
The party was on a Friday night and so it was Monday before I saw Jan again. About an hour after start time Jan and I were walking toward each other and we met almost in front of the door to the conference room. It was spur of the moment on my part and I grabbed her arm, opened the conference room door and pulled her inside. I pulled her into my arms and bent to kiss her, but she pushed me away as she said:
"Hold on there bucko; there isn't any mistletoe here in this room."
It suddenly occurred to me that I had misread what had happened at the party. Thinking fast I reached up and ran my hand through my hair and then said:
"Damn it! It must have fallen off. I knew I should have borrowed a hairpin to hold it in place. Now I have to go find where I lost it" and I got the hell out of the room.
I steered clear of Jan for a couple of days and then we gradually started flirting again.
Several months went by and then I was offered a position that came with more money and better benefits at another company. The group at my old company threw me a going away party at the Landing Strip Lounge. Why they chose the Strip on open mike night I never knew, but the night became so special to me that I've not forgotten any of the jokes I heard that night.
At the party Jan told me that she was going to miss me.
"I'm going to miss you too. The best part of coming to work every day was seeing you and spending time trying to think of ways to get you to be my girlfriend."
"All you had to do was ask."
"You bet. I've been wanting to be your girlfriend, but you never asked."
"No joking here girl; I'm serious."
"No joke. You never asked."
"Will you be my girlfriend even though I won't be working here any more?"
"My girlfriend would go to a motel with me if I wanted to go."
"Now or at the end of the party?"
"I'd say right now. Before you have a chance to change your mind."
"We can't Bob. This is your party and you need to stay and I'm not going to change my mind. But we won't be going to a motel. Dave is out of town and the kids are visiting my mom for the weekend."
"I can't believe it. I've wanted you since the day I met you and all I had to do was ask?"
"Yep. And it had to be you doing the asking. If I'd have done the asking all I'd have been in your eyes is just another married slut."
"I don't want to wait for the party to end. I want to get you out of here right now."
"No baby; we have all night. Sit back and enjoy your party."
She was right. I did owe it to the people who thought enough of me to throw me a party so I took a sip of my drink and turned toward the band stand. Bobby Dalton was the MC and as was his natural bent he told a blond joke before introducing the next wanna be stand up comic. His wife Bree was sitting at a back table with some of her friends and every one there knew that Bree hated blond jokes. I wondered if he ever got laid on open mike nights. Hell, I wondered if Bree gave him anything for days after open mike night. After a quick look back at his wife he began:
"A blond, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain price, needed money desperately. To raise cash she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid at random, took her behind a building and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the park. Signed, A Blond.
The blond then pinned the note on the little girl's blouse and sent her home to show it to her parents. The next morning she checked and sure enough there was a paper bag sitting beneath the apple tree. The blond looked in the bag and found $10,000 along with a note that said:
"Shame on you. How could you do this to another blond?"
He finished, thanked everybody for the applause and then introduced Shelly Falken who was a hairdresser by day. She took the mike from Bobby and then said:
"Blond men aren't all that bright Bobby. A friend told a blond man that Christmas was on a Friday that year and the blond man said, "Let's just hope it isn't on the thirteenth."
Two blond men find three hand grenades and they decide to take them to the police station. One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there" and the other said, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND" and he spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man's dog went missing and he was frantic. His wife said "Why don't you put an ad in the paper." He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked. "Here boy!" he replied.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No" he shouts, this is her husband."
A blond hillbilly won a bass boat in a local raffle. He brought it home and his wife looks at it and then says to him, "Whatcha gonna do with that there thing. There ain't no water within two hunert miles of here."
He says to her, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
.... There is more of this story ...