Chapter 3

When I picked Dani up the next morning, Sharon seemed concerned. "John, are you OK?"

I didn't want to talk about it, so I just told her things were complicated. When she tried to push me about it, I reminded her that what she had said about not wanting to be in the middle of things. She reluctantly let it go.

That afternoon, I dropped Dani off with the sitter and reluctantly headed to our session. When I got there, I saw that Jenny had already arrived. As I walked into Bryan's office I heard them talking amiably. They rose to greet me, but Jenny sank back to the couch when she saw my expression.

Bryan looked at me sadly. "John, is there something wrong?"

I tried to be honest. "No, I'm just having a rough day. I think it would be better for us just to get started."

The session was a disaster. Bryan knew what was wrong, but didn't want to push it. Jenny didn't know, but was uncomfortable with my obvious attitude. I was miserable because I wanted to stand up and scream, but knew it would have made everything worse. There was something else bothering me, but I couldn't deal with it at that moment, so shoved it to the back of my mind.

At the end of the session, Jenny left. I said goodbye, but stayed to apologize to Bryan for being in such a bad mood. He didn't give me the chance.

"You watched the tape."

All I could manage was, "Yes."

"Was it as bad as you feared?"

"Bryan, it was worse. I don't know what to do. I tried to stay quiet so I wouldn't say something I'd regret, but I just wanted to tell her how angry I was and how much she had hurt me. I can't believe how slu ... er ... how she was acting."

Bryan studied me for a little bit. "I had hoped you would let it go, but I can see why the urge to know what happened would be overwhelming. Was David telling the truth?"

I sighed, "That's the worst part, he was. She was drunk, her best friend tricked her and she was seduced by three people working together. But she gave in to it and enjoyed herself ... a lot. I wanted to be outraged at the way they used her, I really did. She said no several times and said she didn't want to let anything happen that would hurt me. Once she gave in, everything changed. It looked like a first class porno by the time I decided I couldn't take anymore and smashed the tape."

"John, the only thing I can advise is that you need to sit down with her and tell her about it. She's going to be humiliated that such a tape exists and hurt that you watched it. You need to be gentle with her because she is very fragile right now. If it takes you a week to be sure you can talk to her without anger, take the time. You'll need to talk about it by yourselves because I don't want her put in a position where she feels like she's being ambushed here. Once you talk about it, I'll help any way I can. Please call me if you need to talk again."

I left wondering if everything had finally gotten as bad as it was going to.

Saturday I decided it was finally time to talk to her. I was still afraid I might blow up, but at least I calmed down enough to give it a shot. I wasn't sleeping at night with those images in my head, so wanted to get this over. Leaving Danielle with Steve and Sharon again, I went to pick up Jenny.

I had called earlier and told her I had something serious to talk to her about. I didn't want to ambush her, but I also didn't want to scare her. I asked if she'd like to go to the park where we often took Danielle. It didn't have a lot of traffic usually, so we should be able to have some privacy.

I thought about telling her from the beginning about David and the tape, but decided it was too much. It might be so upsetting for her that we wouldn't be able to talk at all. Considering the mood I was in, I knew there was a very real possibility that this could turn ugly, so I swore to myself I'd be cool. I wanted to settle as much as I could. I couldn't allow myself to be selfish no matter how mad I got; Danielle had improved remarkably in the two weeks since I let her start seeing Jenny again.

"Jenny, I think I'm ready to hear your side of things if you still want to tell me. I know you've been living with this for seven months and it has to have been hard for you. I can't promise I won't be upset, but I'll try my best to let you explain. I just am asking you to be totally honest. Don't pull any punches, the worst thing right now would be to find out you lied to me about something, OK?"

She nodded and took a second to collect her thoughts. With a sigh, she began. "For the last two months before the trip, things weren't working very well between us. I know you tried, I did too, but I was really worried. I was spending more time with Megan and she was saying things that made it worse. I didn't see it at the time, but I think she was trying to upset me on purpose. She never said anything directly against you, but it was enough to feed my insecurities. She would say things about having friends with problems similar to ours who eventually wound up divorced. I would tell her that we wouldn't end up like that, but I think some part of me was afraid."

"I swear that I kept trying my best to make things better, but it was hard. I was scared that it wasn't going to get better and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I think I got defensive because every time I tried something, it didn't seem to work. I missed being close to you so much that I let some of her stories get to me."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "Just before we went to New Orleans, she kept telling me how good it would be for our marriage with us being apart for a few days. She would say I should have fun so I could relax and let things get better naturally when I got back home. We went to the Hotel bar Thursday night and danced for hours. After doing some things Friday afternoon with Angie, the bride, we went to a different bar. We met two guys there."

She stopped talking, beginning to weep softly. I took her hand and asked her to please keep going.

"We all danced together for about an hour, then Megan and I went to the bathroom. She told me how hot she was for the guys and begged me to help her get them to our room so she could have a threesome. She said it would be good for my ego to flirt with another man, especially knowing that I wasn't going to do anything wrong. Because Megan was the one they'd be sleeping with, I wouldn't have to feel guilty."

She looked up at me with tears streaking down her face. "I was so stupid, I'm sorry. I was a little drunk and didn't think about what could happen. I didn't think about how you'd feel about me flirting, even if it was just to help her." She looked at her hands as she furiously rubbed them together in her lap.

"We stayed at the club for at least another hour. Megan asked if they'd like a nightcap and they said yes. I thought I was doing something fun for her and planned to leave before things got out of hand. I think I underestimated how drunk I already was. Things that I know I should never have done didn't seem like that big a deal. I just kept thinking about her being able to have a wild night and how much I was looking forward to coming home to you all worked up."

"Once we got back to the room, they kept giving me drinks and dancing with us. Megan came up with a stupid game that we could play. I can't believe I agreed to it, but I did. Things got out of control right after that and I cheated on you." She looked up at me again, "I would give anything to take it back. I love you and never thought I was capable of something like that. I thought I was so safe, that Megan was watching out so that nothing could happen. I never could have imagined letting myself do those things."

She stopped her story and began crying harder. I let her get it out, and then pressed her to continue. I wanted to see what lined up with David's version and what I witnessed on the tape. I was shocked that she confessed to everything without blaming anyone but herself. I didn't know if she was trying to take all the responsibility, or if she honestly didn't realize she had been set-up by her friend. She left out the sordid details and I didn't ask. She did admit to having sex with David, Jake and Megan.

When she finished, I let her have a moment to collect herself. It had to be incredibly difficult to admit those things and I really felt awkward trying to ask questions. However, there was one big one that had to be addressed.

"Jenny, if what you're telling me is the truth, why didn't you just come home Saturday?"

She looked at me with very real pain in her eyes. "There were several reasons, but you're not going to like any of them. I know I don't."

I understood her discomfort, but I had to know everything, so I asked her to continue.

"First, I felt terribly guilty for what I had done. I didn't know how to face you and thought a couple of extra days would give me time to prepare myself for how angry you would be. Second, I wasn't physically up to it. If I had traveled home, you would have known immediately that something was wrong."

She looked away and I thought I saw a flash of anger. "Third, Megan convinced me that Friday was something I caused and that it was proof that our marriage was in trouble." As she wiped away another tear, she refused to look back at me. "She said that I started everything by grabbing her hand and moving it under my skirt. Then she said I grabbed one of the guys and kissed him. That's when everything got out of control." She paused and finally looked me in the eyes.

"I thought she was my friend and wouldn't lie to me. When I told her what I thought had happened, she said it must have been the alcohol and the blindfold making things seem more intense. She said that they were doing the same thing to me that they had done with her and everything was fine until I got out of control."

My jaws clench in anger as I listened to more of Megan's manipulations. Even though it was hard to separate any of this from Jenny's actions, it was obvious that she never had a clue that Megan could treat her like that. Her friend used Jenny's trust to undermine our marriage. I hoped that I could eventually find a way to pay her back.

"She told me that she got carried away because of the things I did. I should never have believed her, but I felt like such a slut. It was easy to think that the way I remembered things was just me trying to rationalize my behavior. I would have stayed at the hotel all day so I could try to sort things out, but she begged me to come with her. She said that everyone would know something was going on if I disappeared. She told me the best way to not make anyone suspicious was to act as if nothing had happened. I was so stupid."

I began to feel myself losing objectivity. Jenny's pain was so acute that it was unbearable. I couldn't figure out how to console her without making things even more awkward, so I hoped she would take my lack of accusations as support.

Saturday night was a different problem entirely. As soon as she started trying to explain it, I was stunned.

"I just don't remember how it got started," she said, sounding confused. "When we got there, nobody told me what was going to happen. I had a couple drinks with Megan while Angie opened her presents and the girls laughed and joked. When the man came out and announced the entertainment, I tried to leave but I felt really weird. I sat there for a while trying to get myself together, but I just couldn't. Some of the girls were dancing on the stage away from the strippers and I remember Angie pulling me up with them."

"The next thing I remember was some woman grabbing me from behind and me telling her to knock it off. I don't know what happened after that, but I suddenly realized I was laying on the stage and Megan was ... well, you saw it. When the stripper came up to me, I know I tried to say no, but it's all a blur. I guess I just gave in. I was still sick from the night before so I only had a couple of drinks, or at least thought it was just a couple. I can't explain it, but that's the truth."

If she was telling the truth about not drinking that much, I was willing to bet that Megan had something to do with it. I didn't like her story about not knowing what happened, but there wasn't any reason for her to lie that I could think of, so I accepted it. I already knew most of what happened anyway.

I asked her if she remembered what happened right after that, because she disappeared from the video. She appeared very uncomfortable and said she wasn't sure. It was the first time I sensed some evasion from her. I insisted she tell me what she knew.

She looked away from me. "Do you remember what you said to me the night you made me leave? You said that I wasn't thinking about Danielle when I was being a slut with Megan."

I cringed as I heard the words come from her. They sounded harsh and crass; even though I knew what I actually said was even worse. "Yes, I remember it."

"Well, you were wrong. Everything was foggy. It felt almost like a dream and I was really confused. I knew what I was doing, but for some reason it didn't seem real. Then I remembered a conversation with Danielle about a week before the trip. She asked me what sex was." I raised my eyebrows because I this was the first I had heard about it.

"She heard someone mention it in some movie and asked me what it was. I didn't want to say the wrong thing; we've never really talked about what to say to her. Since you weren't home, I tried to be as vague as possible. I told her that it's something two grown-ups who love each other do together. I said it's very precious and you should only do it with the person you love because you need to love each other for it to be right."

"For some reason that conversation jumped into my head in the middle of what was happening. I had a vision of her seeing me like that and me trying to explain it. It snapped me out of whatever was going on and I jerked away from the stripper. I remember Megan calling to me and saying to come back, but I just ran out the door without even getting my clothes back on. I found myself standing outside in the rain, trying to get my bra back on, but couldn't because my hands were shaking so badly."

"When I finally got myself straightened out, I realized people were staring at me. I felt so humiliated, I just ran back to the hotel. When I got there, I took a long shower, then crawled into bed. I just lay there thinking about what I had done and how you'd never be able to forgive me. I cried until I passed out."

When Jenny didn't continue right away, I asked if she was OK. I realized that I hadn't really reacted to much of what she said because I already knew what was coming. I kicked myself because I wasn't ready to talk about David and didn't want her to notice anything. After a few moments, she seemed better so I asked her what happened Sunday.

She said the next morning she woke to find the stripper next to her in bed. She didn't know how he got there or if she had sex with him and everything hit her at once. She ran to the bathroom where she threw up, then couldn't stop crying. She backed up David's story about them talking and him telling her not to say anything to me.

As she was leaving for the airport, she ran into Megan in the hotel lobby where they had a huge fight. Jenny told her to stay away, that she couldn't believe Megan had let those things happen after promising to watch out for her. Jenny had never had sex with a woman before and had no reason to think Megan was telling her anything other than the truth about what was supposed to happen.

Although she was angry with her friend, she was feeling more humiliation from her own actions. Megan said that Jenny had wanted to act like that ever since she got married and that she had done my wife a favor. It ended with Jenny storming out to her cab and Megan heading back to the room. Since Jenny took an early flight, she didn't see Megan again before leaving. Since that night, they talked on the phone a couple of times, but hadn't seen each other once.

When she finished, I didn't know what to say. I expected evasion; I thought she'd try to shift the blame, maybe a couple of white lies to make herself look better. Hell, after watching the video, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had said she hadn't consented. The one thing I hadn't counted on was her being completely forthcoming, even taking more of the blame than she deserved. It was unnerving. Her story about Saturday was disturbing, but I couldn't detect any dishonesty from her, so I let it go.

I let her cry for a long time, longing to comfort her but unable to overcome my own issues. I also wanted to tell her about the tape, but couldn't figure out how to do it without hurting her more. Knowing that David taped her being a complete slut would be awful. Finding out that I watched it would be a lot worse. I didn't see any purpose it would serve, so I decided to keep it to myself.

When I finally spoke, I was surprised by the hoarseness of my voice. "Thank you for being honest with me, I know it must have been hard." She smiled weakly at my praise. Just looking at her made me want to shake her for doing this to us. I also wanted more than anything to hold her until she stopped crying. Part of me felt horrible that she had to suffer through this. I still loved her so much it hurt. Things were so complicated; I didn't know what to do.

I took her home and then went to Steve's house. While waiting for Dani to finish playing, I went outside with him and told him everything (leaving out the specifics). He agreed that I had done the right thing by not telling her. He also remarked about how much better Danielle had seemed over the last couple of weeks. He did that a lot and I knew it was his not-so-subtle way of hinting that I shouldn't shut Jenny out of my life. I agreed that Dani had improved and told him it made things that much harder for me. When we left, I could only hope that time with my daughter could help me get it together. My time with her was the only thing keeping me sane.

After that, Jenny and I had two weeks of sessions that were much more productive. Every time Jenny would try to apologize or put herself down, Bryan would cut her off. He didn't want to hear about blame or either of us being sorry. It didn't address the real problems, which we still had looming in front of us.

My daughter had one parent and one step-parent living in different homes. She had no say in what was going on and didn't understand why the adults couldn't work it out. Jenny hadn't done anything but punish herself for weeks. She had neglected her health, her job and had basically hidden from life since the truth had come out.

I might have been the biggest mess of all. My punishment of Jenny caused me guilt, hurt my relationship with her family, devastated my daughter and caused a rift between me and my closest friends. It had gotten better since I relented and let her see Dani again, but there was still awkwardness between me and the people who I had been closest to.

The day before our fourth session together, I dropped off Dani with Jenny's mom for the night. I needed to make a decision, and then stick to it. Drawing this out wasn't doing anything but harming all of us. I went to one of the bars we used to like visiting. There was a band playing there that I had been wanting to see for some time. I sat by myself all night, unable to enjoy anything.

After the show, I went out for another long walk. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I wondered if isolating myself helped me to think clearly or if it might be making it tougher for me to see the big picture. Finally, I dragged myself home around dawn and left a message that I wouldn't be in to work. I had decided what to do, but didn't feel any better because of the decision.

The appointment was late afternoon. I got to the church office about ten minutes late because of some hang-ups with dropping off Dani. I tried calling to warn Bryan, but it went through to his voice mail. When I arrived, I saw Jenny's car so I hurried to the door. I went inside, but there was no one else in the lobby as usual. When I got to the Bryan's office, something I heard made me stop. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just happened so fast.

"Maybe I should just go."

Bryan sounded shocked, "Jenny, you can't mean that."

"He is so upset all the time. I just can't take seeing what I have done to him. I love him more than anything, then I ruined his life. Maybe he's better off if I just went away." Jenny sounded miserable.

"But you don't want that, do you?"

She paused, "No, I want to find a way to fix this mess, but how can you fix something this broken? I don't want to hurt Dani, but if it will help John, I'd be willing to move back to New York and start over again." I heard her voice break as she finished.

"Jenny, I can't tell you what to do, but I strongly urge you to talk to John about any major decisions you make. He might not be in the frame of mind you hoped for, but he is trying. You can't expect him to just put what's happened out of his mind, can you?"

"Bryan, you don't understand. I'm not thinking about doing this because I'm unhappy about how he's treating me. I spent six months trying to find a way to make up for what I did, hoping he'd never have to find out. I knew how horrible it was, but I underestimated how much it would hurt him. I don't think he's ever going to be able to look at me without thinking about what I did. If I can't find a way to make things better for him, then I should go away so he doesn't have to look at me anymore. I just want him to be happy, no matter what it takes. I owe him that."

I didn't want to walk into the middle of that, so I went back to the front door and closed it loudly. As I approached Bryan's office, I started talking loudly so they would know I was there. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late." As I rounded the corner, I saw Jenny facing away from me, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"Is everything OK?" I tried to sound surprised.

Bryan answered, "Yes, we were just talking while we were waiting. Jenny, are you OK to continue?" She nodded.

"Then let's pick up where we left off last week. You two have made a lot of progress dealing with problems related to the separation. Now it's a question of where to go from here. Jenny, what are you hoping to accomplish?"

She was silent for a long time. I thought she was going to beg off because of what I heard outside the office. She looked over at me and surprised me with a very honest answer. "I want John to give me another chance."

Bryan waited for a few moments to see if she'd elaborate, then responded. "Well, that isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why don't you think of a more short-term goal we can work toward while John gives us his answer ... John?"

I looked at him, wondering how I should answer. Then I looked at Jenny who had looked away. The way she was sitting made me think she was feeling incredibly alone. She probably expected me to hate her forever, yet she was coming to these sessions. She had answered all my questions truthfully at the park, even when I knew they were humiliating. Whether it was because she hoped I could someday forgive her or because she honestly was willing to do anything to make up for her transgression, I couldn't guess. In the end, her motives weren't important to me.

I looked down to the floor. "I want Jenny to come home."

I waited for a moment before looking up. When I did, I could see the bomb I just dropped had caught both of them by surprise.

Bryan sat back, completely shocked. We had never discussed me even considering reconciliation. As far as he knew, the best result we could hope for would have been an amicable parting so both of us could get on with our lives. Jenny looked at me incredulously like she thought it was a cruel joke. I realized at that moment how deeply I had hurt her.

"Jenny, I love you and I miss you. I know I haven't given you any reason to believe there was a chance for us, but you've still been trying. There's no way to make up for what you did, but if you want to come home and try to start over, I'm willing to do my best to make it work." I paused, and then added, "For us and for Dani." I waited to see what her reaction would be.

She got up from her chair without saying a word, walked in front of me and dropped to her knees. She put her head in my lap and put her arms around my hips, beginning to cry again. I finally stopped fighting the urge to comfort her and gently stroked her hair back with my hand. Finally I stood, pulling her to her feet. I kissed her for the first time in over two months and she melted against me.

After a minute, I gently pushed her back. "There are things we have to talk about first, OK?"

She looked at me with some uncertainty, but nodded.

I looked over to give our 'host' the chance to speak. "Bryan is it OK for me to keep going, or do you have any questions."

He couldn't help but laugh. "John, I think we've had too many of these meetings. That sounds like something I'd say." He indicated we should continue.

"Jenny, I've given it a lot of thought. We have to come up with ground rules that we both agree to. Things are really screwed up and I need things I can count on before we can go forward." As I laid out my requests, she listened intently.

When I finished, she eagerly jumped in. "That's fine; I'll do anything to make it up to you."

Bryan spoke up, "I don't think that's what he wants, is it John?"

"No it's not."

Seeing Jen's puzzled expression, I clumsily tried to explain feelings I didn't fully understand. "I married a strong, self-confident woman who changed my life. I don't want you to come back as someone who's willing to do anything for another chance. I want the woman I married. Think of it like a glass that was broken. If we just tape it together, it will never last and won't make anyone happy. If we take the pieces, melt it down and start over, we can make it strong again. Is that OK Bryan?"

He looked impressed. "Yes, that's actually very insightful. When a couple goes through the kind of situation you've endured, many times the thing that does them in is one spouse trying too hard. The imbalance it creates causes unforeseen problems. The spouse trying to be accommodating can eventually feel unappreciated and resentful. The other spouse can lose respect for someone who is constantly willing to be degraded. The best intentions can cause the worst results."

I took the lead again. "There have to be rules because of what's happened, but they aren't to punish you or test your loyalty. I expect you to suggest your own rules and I fully expect you to hold me to all the ones we both agree to." I couldn't help stroking her cheek with my fingers while I talked. "When we first got together, it took over a year to learn about each other and work out how we should handle things. If we're going to try to start over and do it without taking that kind of time, we need to set up rules that neither of us is allowed to break, for any reason. Hopefully that will give us a place to start from."

Jenny was trying to keep up with everything, but it was obviously difficult. My announcement had been such a shock that she was having trouble following what was being said. I know she'd agree to anything if I'd just give her a chance to make up for what happened, but I needed her to understand that what I was asking was more than that. If I was going to open myself up to her after what she had done, she had to be ready to give this everything she had. It wasn't just because I was worried about getting hurt again; I wasn't going to open Danielle up to another round of this unless we had an agreement that was set in stone.

We spent the rest of the session discussing things we both needed from each other if we were going to attempt this. After we agreed, she went home to tell her family. I stayed for a bit to go over things with Bryan.

"I'm a little concerned about your quick change of heart, John. When you do things on the spur of the moment, it can cause more harm than good in the long run."

"This wasn't spur of the moment. I have been trying to work it out for weeks, but didn't think I could. This week I decided I had to make a decision and stick to it.

Bryan looked like he was trying to understand something. "OK, so you decided to make a decision, but why such a drastic change?"

"I finally realized that in all the time I had known her, Jenny had never acted the way I saw in the video. She dressed sexy, but never slutty. She could have been an exotic dancer if she chose, but had never danced like one, even with me. She never got drunk and rarely passed the point of being a little tipsy. I thought about whom I wanted Danielle to be like when she grew up and there was only one person I could think of ... Jenny."

"Something happened down there that she couldn't handle. I still hate what she did, but I don't believe she'll do it again. If I accept that it was a one-time incident, then I have to think about what you said to me about being a victim or a man. Some people would view a man as someone who wouldn't take crap off of anyone and would kick her to the curb, no matter what the consequences. Some would punish her for months or years before considering letting her come back. I decided that for me, being a man meant taking care of my daughter first. She needs Jenny home."