Edited By Barney R
Hello my name is Frank. I am a pretty laid back kind of guy. I let things slide if there was nothing major, insults I'd ignore, slights I'd turn and walk away from. There are a few things that can get me riled; hurt a friend, or hit a lady.
When I was a kid I was in lots of fights helping friends. I was usually the one left standing so I got in a lot of trouble. Somewhere in high school I learned that if I wait there, is always a way of showing them the way and I wouldn't get in trouble.
When I was in college I sold an idea for an invention (I am not free to talk about, the non disclosure agreement, you see), but just to say I would never have to work again, ever. I was never lazy, so after college I started a computer consulting business.
In the next year my buddy George got out of the army; well, most of him anyway, a hand was left behind. We talked and I let him buy into the business. I know I didn't need the money but it is in an account in both our names offshore.
A year and a half later I met the woman of my dreams. She was funny, smart, caring and sweet. In six months we were engaged.
George came to me and said, "We need to talk"
I looked at him a said, "If you were a girl I'd be very afraid, right now." and we both laughed
He said, "Maybe you should be any way."
I looked and pointed to the chair across from me.
"I don't want to start problems for you, but I am worried about the business," he started. "I think you should get a prenuptial agreement. Just to keep the business safe."
I looked at him and said, "You must be a girl, because I am afraid now"
He chuckled and said, "It is not that bad," he grabbed papers out of his pocket and handed them to me. "These are standard and just state that in the case of a no fault divorce each party would keep what they came in to the marriage with and split anything after. In the case of adultery the offending party would leave with just what they came with and nothing else."
I thought a bit about the money from my invention and said, "Thanks George now I have to go see my future wife."
So here I am at Sue's parent's house, god it is big. The maid shows me in to the parlor? Here comes my bride to be, and her dad is right behind her. I kiss her cheek and shake his hand.
Then we both start "I need to talk..."
"I am glad you came..."
I say, "You start."
She looks embarrassed and glances at her father, "My father wants us to do a prenuptial agreement," she looks so scared I laugh.
I smile at her and said, "George wants the same thing."
She laughed and hugged me. We got the basics one that George said with the stipulation that children would be handled separately from this agreement.
Great wedding; greater honeymoon. And five years pass.
She wanted to wait till she was 30 for kids still two years away. The business is booming. Home life is good, well mostly good. The bad part is the harry rat my wife calls a dog. Princess by name, and if she raises kids like she is taking care of this dog, we would have some spoiled brats.
The thing is constantly yapping it can't even bark. If it eats or drinks something my wife will get down and wipe its mouth. She carries two purses, one just for the dog to sit in. She treats that thing better than me.
The only time I put my foot down is when she tried to bring the dog to bed with us, I told her, "If you want to sleep with the dog, then you can sleep in the guest room with it." She cried and begged, but I held firm and won one.
Her dad hit some hard times, he was heavily invested in real estate and when properties tanked in value he came up short. I lent him a million or so but it was done with lawyers and contracts. (Remember he was the one to insist on the prenuptial.)
So one day Sue asked, "Can you take princess to the groomers on Friday?"
"What?!?" I exclaimed in disbelief, "You won't even let me feed the dog."
"I know honey" said Sue "but I am helping set up for my grandma's birthday. She is ninety you know, and the groomers are across town from the club, but are mostly on your way to work"
Long story short, I took the dog, I got a blow job out of it so I was happy.
On the way home is when my life hit a nose dive.
There was road work and detours on our way home I had the windows open for air and Princess was in her bag.
Then she started yapping and jumping, I tried to grab her and she nipped me.
I pull the car over to do something with her and she jumped out the window.
I got out to chase her and followed her to a Days Inn (you know where the rooms open to the parking lot) and to room 117 where she started yapping and crying scratching at the door.
I grab the furry rat and knock on the door no answer. So I think for a moment and go to the office.
When I walk in the lady there said, "Can I..." The rat started yapping more. "Why hello Princess, it is funny seeing you today you're here mostly on Wednesdays."
My world just about fell apart then, but I held it together and said "I was bringing Princess home from the groomers and she jumped out and ran here."
"Well she likes us here when her mommy comes on Wednesday for a little afternoon delight with her husband. She leaves Princess with us and we take good care of her, don't we you pretty girl," she said.
I almost puked, but just held it together a bit more.
I asked. "Is she here every Wednesday, in room 117? That is where the dog ran to."
"Yes, always the same room and every Wednesday."
I thanked her and said "Well Princess needs to go home now for a party for Mommy's grandma."
I left and got to the car and zipped the dog in the bag. And started thinking how I was going to kill Sue. Then I started to think a bit more rationally. I need proof and revenge.
With the proof she is out with almost nothing but daddy will take care of her. So how can I make it impossible for daddy to do that? First thing I need to get do is to this party and act like nothing is wrong. Then I will work on revenge.
First thing when I got there I got hell for being late and again for the dog's feet being dusty! What bull.
I went to the bar and drank cola, right now I needed to keep my head on straight. My wife was flitting around the party, and all I can think is 'who the slut is fucking?' I watch, but she spends time all over, although a bit more with grandma and daddy.
But if she is sleeping with someone here, she is keeping it cool.
Oh damn, she is drinking and always gets horny, how can I get out of it? Shit what if I have a STD from her.
Ok I can get out of tonight by insulting her rat. And I will fake an injury in the morning and go to the doctors and get tested.
Now as for the evidence, George has his friend that runs a PI firm. I guess I need to see who it is before I can plot my revenge.
When we get home, she starts trying to get me going, but I tell her, "I am not in the mood after being yelled at because of a furry rat."
Her eyes get cold and she said, "I don't want to even touch you right now."
I said, "Good go sleep with the rat in the guest room."
She stormed out. That was easy enough. I lay down but sleep is a long time coming.
I get up with the sun. I go in to the bathroom to shower then shave. I open the cabinet to get a new razor and see her birth control pills. She has got about a week before she gets to the placebos I replaced to get her pregnant. I open the package and switch the placebos and the normal pills around. Ah such cold hearted revenge makes me feel good. I look in the mirror twirl the end of an imaginary mustache, and laugh like Dick Dastardly.
I get dressed and think about what to do next. I go down stairs and leave a note that said that I pulled something and was going to hospital. I would call when I knew something.
I go to the Waffle House, I love the food here, I eat and wait for 9:00 am to call George. I tell him I have a big problem, and ask if he wants to meet here or at office.
He said, "Waffle House and you're buying."
We both laugh.
"I'll be there in a few," he says and hangs up.
I give him the lowdown on what is going on and he is on the phone before I get done. He is telling his buddy to put surveillance in the motel room.
I didn't tell him about the birth control pills.
Then he called our lawyer and told him to get the paperwork done for divorce on the prenuptial with adultery on her part with papers ready to serve on Wednesday. "Oh and get what you can about alienation of affection without a name."
Then George calls a doctor friend and asks him to give me a note saying that I had a pulled groin muscle and no lifting and no sexual contact for 2 weeks.
God it pays to have devious friends.
We look at each other and both burst out laughing.
He starts eating, and I am drinking my coffee, when he gets an evil glint in his eye, picks up the phone and waits then I hear him say, "Hello Sue this is George I need to talk to Frank we have an emergency at the Texas location, all the backups are off line. He set that unit up so I think he needs to go there." Then there was some hum and uh and oh. Then he said, "We can send some young buck to do lifting and help him get around but his mind is what is needed there." ... then, "Yeah, I tried his cell first but in the hospital they tell you to turn it off." ... a hum or two, "Ok have him give me a call as soon as he gets home thanks," and hung up.
I said, "I am in the presence of greatness."
Both of us say and act out, "He sees the idea ripe on the tree, he reaches up plucks it, and puts it in his pocket."
We both laughed.
We made the plans to tell her I would be back Wednesday night at the earliest.
I had to do a lot of financial things Monday morning and be ready to have everything split by Wednesday afternoon. My pal George arranged for a locksmith to change the locks on the house Wednesday noon.
The house was mine before we got married, and I will get to keep it.
He also told me how to deal with my soon to be ex-wife, "Go home tell her what the doctor said show her the note and let her tell you about having to take the trip. Then call me and we will get you out of there swiftly with a suitcase and we stop in your home office and get all the papers you'll need."
I look at him and say, "Did I ever tell you you're my best friend?"
We smile at each other and both say "I love you, man!"
I start moving, visiting George's doctor friend getting the note, and some other running around.
Then I head home, I pull in to driveway and park, and start walking to the house like my one leg is stiff and limping and grimacing in pain.
I get in the door my wife is all over me, "Honey are you ok? Oh my god what happened? Sit down and tell me. Do you want some coffee?"
I sit and spin a yarn about slipping in tub and going to the hospital. She starts fussing over me, and then tells me about George's call and I groan.
I take out cell and act like I am turning it on. I forgot to turn it off. I call George and I am acting like it is a business call. George is telling me a joke about a woodpecker playing with his pecker and getting wood.
I snort almost laughing, and said "I will see you in a little bit."
I look at my wife and said, "It looks like I am going out of town for a bit, can you get a suitcase ready for me or at least open it on the bed I am not suppose to lift anything."
She is giving me all the B.S., do you think you should go your hurt and all that.
I say, "I have to."
She runs up stairs I grab my brief case and go in the office and load up all the papers and laptop. Then go upstairs limping and groaning
She said, "Just go sit, I will take care of this."
I go back down and the door bell rings.
I open the door to George and Pete, a younger guy from the office.