"It's all your fault, you know."
I was jolted to awakeness by those soft words from my loving wife of just a tad over five years.
We were spooned together, me behind her, in a warm embrace. I was feeling very relaxed, defenseless and ready to sleep after a VERY passionate session of love making. My wife, Katey, had initiated it (rare occurrence) and had been very animated and seemed determined to "kill me with kindness" (never occurrence). It was definitely one for the record books. I'm never one to question a good thing but I guess even I should have been suspicious. The piper must be paid.
"Huh? Wha... ? What did I do?"
Those were the only words I could conjure from my mostly shut down brain going now into full defence mode. That's what we guys do when confronted by our spouses. We go on full defence, knowing we did something wrong and are going to be paying for it even when we have no idea what it was we did.
I was now tense but dared not move, waiting for the revelation of what I was going to be paying for and how much was owed.
I felt a slight jab in the ribs from a feminine elbow. Not hard, just enough for effect. Almost playful I might say.
"It's all your damn fault. According to the timetable, 'The Plan' should be in full effect. We should in divorce court right now with me being on my way to a somewhat prosperous single lifestyle. I also should be on the lookout for husband number 2"
Now I was awake. "What the fuck are you talking about? What plan? You're out of your fucking mind. You're not making any sense." My voice was kicking up in both volume and pitch into that awful male version of whiny. It was rare I ever cussed at Katy and here I was cussing and whining at the same time.
She turned to face me as I laid propped up on an elbow. She threw a soft leg over mine and placed her index finger across my lips.
She started to whisper to me. "Shhhhh, shhhhh baby. Don't swear at me. It's okay. Just relax. I have something to tell you and I didn't know how to bring it up so I just sort of blurted that out. Relax. Relax. I'd tell you not to get your pants in a bunch but I seem to remember you're not wearing any at the moment."
She then gently reached over and grabbed my recently well used and very happy member and said, "I think I'll hold on to my friend here so I can tell you what I have to say and keep you from doing something stupid. This won't hurt a bit unless you try to run out or jump up or some other crazy thing."
I can't say I was reassured but as long as she held onto MY best friend, I was willing to listen. I wasn't sure I was going to like it but as long as she held the little head, the big head wasn't so concerned about thinking anymore.
I could see her smile in the dim light and she continued to whisper her assurances. "That's it, just relax. Everything is fine, you'll see."
She took a deep breath. "I've been a real snot to you for the past month or so starting before I went to visit my mom and sisters. I know that. Subconsciously, it was part of my exit strategy."
"Exit strategy?" I felt myself tensing again.
She tightened her grip on our mutual friend and continued to reassure me. "Just relax. You'll understand soon enough."
"So. I went on my little reunion trip and visited my mom first, as you know. I not only went to see her but to get a little encouragement and advice about implementing 'The Plan'. One thing I hadn't counted on was seeing her in her element and observing her life a bit. She lives in this great house and owns a couple of very cool cars – my favorite is the Maserati. She has these young boy-toys she plays with and seems to have everything a woman could want, if you're into money and the trappings of wealth. She got all that by devising and following 'The Plan', a term she sort of coined."
"'The Plan' is simply to find some guy to marry and to stay married for about 5 years. You then divorce him and get half of the assets and move on to the next husband and do it all over again. My mom has been married now 7 times, has 3 daughter's from 3 different husbands and is now divorced, she says for the final time, and is living a very plush life. She admonished me that it was time for me to move on and gave me a list of things to be sure I did and things to ask for during the divorce process. You know, negotiating tips. You didn't know it but you were about to be hung out to dry."
That told me a lot. I always wondered why my wife never invited me to go to visit her mother or any of her sisters. It was like she was ashamed of me or something. Now my view of them was that they were a bunch of man hating bitches and I was a mere fly in their soup. It appeared being kept from the family 'get togethers' was a good thing but this still did nothing to calm my growing fear that this was not going to end well. The fact that she was telling me this was a small glimmer of hope. Since process servers don't usually appear in your bedroom at night to serve you with divorce papers it didn't make sense that she was going to spring a surprise "gotcha" announcement on me right now.
Katey continued. "With renewed determination and more ammunition, I went to see my eldest sister, Janine. She seems to be doing okay. She had just married husband number 3 and is living a pretty plush life. I got to meet Trent, her new husband. He seemed all right but was pretty dull overall and always seemed to be leering at me. Janine said he was a sales rep and was gone a lot which was okay with her because he was pretty boring in bed. She said she couldn't wait for these next 5 years to be over. She talked somewhat fondly about her first husband, Tim, whom she said was a fantastic lover and generally a good man. From what she knows he has remarried with 2 kids now and seems pretty happy. She ran into him recently and at least now they could talk because he was no longer hurting and angry. I seriously doubt they will ever be any kind of friends though. It's kind of sad, I always liked Tim and thought he was good for her. I never met husband number 2. Janine just married him because he was rich. He treated her pretty badly overall, I guess. I kinda came away from Janine's with some doubts, but not enough to call off step 1 of 'The Plan'. Janine also gave me some hints about finding a good lawyer to handle our divorce and some questions to ask to insure that the lawyer was fully on board with what was needed to get the most from you."
.... There is more of this story ...