43 Years in Hiding
North Tonawanda, NY 1969?
I like to imagine that she spoke to her mother. Or another authority figure who took compassion to a level of releasing all of her inner demons; calming all of her fears.
The year was 1969. We were both 10 years old. I was a clueless, happy go lucky boy, whose world would shatter with his parents divorce within the year.
She was a little girl whose eyes and body language revealed more pain during our 5 minutes than I would ever want to know in a lifetime. And yet she was bewildered by my reaction as she lay in the large hole she was in.
I cannot remember any of their names. 43 years hiding inside my locked, dark place.
I need to stop here in my writing as the tears and sobs are blurring my vision and ability to breathe.
I look at children, big and small, and my inner soul prays that they are safe and happy and not hiding any demons from their parents and friends.
I cry inside when I see reports in the newspaper, or posted on an online news web page. A little boy or girl gone missing. A report of a stalker or some monster who has stolen the innocense of a child. Whether it be a man or woman; I want to scream at them to leave those children alone.
My innocense was stolen at age 10 in a 5 minute rape forced on me (and her, their 10 year old sister) during which there was no actual penetration. Hell, 10 years old I doubt I was an inch long as horrified and scared as I was. Screaming at her brothers to let me go as I had no idea why they were removing my shorts and underwear; trying to lay me on top of their naked sister.
Tears once more. I need to pause and blow my nose now.
I actually consider myself lucky. Though I hid my demons and pain and fear and never told anyone what happened. A summer/fall day 43 years ago.
I had my own little sister who I swore to protect and never allow anyone to cause her any harm. Or pain. Or visit any demons on her.
I like to think I succeeded in this realm. Not that she would have similar sorrow due to our parents divorcing and the resultant abandonment by our father. That will be another emotional release. Right now I'm working on this one.
I play freecell to calm myself down. I am up to 468 straight wins. No losses yet. It allows me to zone in on the cards and push the sorrow and pain away for moments at a time. Yet, I still can write these thoughts down and revisit my "hidden place" in my mind to allow myself to come to terms with what happened so long ago.
I blocked this all out so thoroughly that I do not recall any of their names. And I cannot ask my brother about any of it as he passed away in 2002. Too young, at age 45, and I know he had his demons.
I am now at 469 wins. And my nose is cleared. My eyes are still tearing up but I do feel better about who I think I am. For the moment.
I am toying with the idea of posting this online. I'm not sure where. In the hopes that I can reach out across those 43 years and, though I can't recall her name, or those of her brothers, I can whisper in her ear to go tell her mom, or someone she trusts completely, what is happening to her.
Sadly I am resigned to the realization that this never took place. She probably grew up, as I, with those hidden demons afflicting her with God know's how many addictions, failed relationships (if she even allowed herself any), or some unending pain in her life.
Reality has a way of penetrating my concious thoughts and yet I still hope. I hope she is safe and alive and in therapy, as am I, where she was able to face the horror she endured at such a young age. I sigh, the tears have dried up for now.