Where the Hell Am I? - Cover

Where the Hell Am I?

Copyright© 2012 by aubie56

Chapter 4

With Homer down for the count, it was now up to me to feed both families. I decided not to fool around, but to kill an auroch, since that would hold us for a while. The problem was that I was a good killer, but I was also a lousy butcher. It seemed to me that the thing to do would be to take one of my wives with me to do the butchering after I had killed the beast. I would help her, but she would do most of the work.

The wives discussed the situation and decided that Helgor should be the one to be with me. She was the best at butchering, and she was not pregnant. I agreed that was a winning combination. We rode the horses we had and used the saddles with stirrups, so the trip was reasonably pleasant. I had my gun, and Helgor had her crossbow with 20 explosive bolts. I hoped like hell that she didn't need that many, but she was more comfortable with them, so I didn't say anything.

We had gone about 15 klicks when we spied some barbarians. At that distance, I could not identify them, so we prepared for trouble. When they got close enough, I recognized them as members of Chief Umgallah's tribe. I waved my open hand and called to them in their language, so they recognized me when they got a bit closer. I could tell that they were pleased to see me on a horse, but there was considerable curiosity about Helgor. I explained that she was my wife and we were going after auroch meat. I asked if they wanted any, and the immediate answer was that they most certainly did. I suggested that they contact Chief Umgallah, and that we make a big party out of it. My suggestion went over like ice cream on a hot summer day.

Several of the men rode back to camp while the rest accompanied us to the auroch herd. The way they acted, I think that they considered themselves as a kind of honor guard. That was a pleasant reaction. It was nice to have friends in this very dangerous time and place.

We came to the herd before anybody showed up from the main camp, so we decided to set up a temporary camp while we waited for the rest of the people. We were just getting comfortable when we were charged by a gang of barbarians who showed up from I don't know where. There were 12 in the attacking gang and our six friends rode out to meet them. Arrows were flying right and left, and I was afraid that our friends would be injured or killed, so I rushed into the fight.

Well, that was not a good way to say it, because I did not leave Helgor. What I meant was I rushed to get my gun into position to start shooting. Because of the way the two sides were mixing it up, this was no time for spray and pray. Instead, I took the time to aim and fire two and three shot bursts. That way, I could shoot the enemy without hitting our friends.

I didn't always hit the man, sometimes I had to settle for shooting his horse. I swear, I think that some of the barbarians that had the horse shot from under them died from a broken heart. Anyway, between my shooting and the efforts of our friends, the battle didn't last more than about five minutes. They came riding back in triumph, and there were mutual congratulations all over the place. My magic was very impressive to them, and they could not stop talking about it.

Some people from the main camp showed up about an hour later, and the participants had to go through a blow-by-blow description of the fight, with particular attention paid to my magic. Chief Umgallah was as impressed as anybody else, and he wanted a demonstration of my explosive magic. He had trouble connecting his explosive arrow with my strange stick weapon, but he believed in it when he saw a simple demonstration on one of the dead barbarians. He didn't want me to shoot any of the dead horses, since it would only mess them up more for eating. In the end, they wound up adding eight horses to their herd and four to their dinner table.

Chief Umgallah pointed out the aurochs he wanted me to kill, and Helgor selected two of the smaller ones, so I spent a little over an hour slaughtering them with solid slugs. Explosive rounds were not necessary. By the time I had finished the slaughter, the rest of the camp had shown up. Helgor joined with the women in the butchering; I let her use my combat knife because it was so sharp. We both laughed when she finished with it because she really hated to return it to me.

I asked Chief Umgallah if I could borrow a couple of horses to haul the meat home, but he surprised me. He asked how many horses I could use in total, so I told him six. In a fit of generosity, Chief Umgallah gave me all eight of the horses taken from the barbarians in the fight. This was quite a gift, and I made sure that he understood how much I appreciated it. On top of that, quite a contingent of his men rode back to our home with us as added protection. We got home in plenty of time to fix a feast for those nomads who had escorted us home, so everybody was pleased with a very productive day.

It was already dark when it came time for the nomads to return to their camp. I was surprised at their nervousness, since I knew them to be as brave as a man could hope to be. In as circumspect a manner as possible, I asked their leader about the problem. He explained, "We fear no man or animal, but the monsters of the night cannot be fought by ordinary means. The most fearsome is an old hag named Baraga Locough. She can suck the soul from a man without him even seeing her beforehand. However, if we ride fast enough, we can hope to avoid her."

I had an idea. "Wogal, if you can wait a few minutes, I may be able to help you with this danger." I went into the house and puttered around a few minutes carving some "runes" on a stick. When I returned, I gave Wogal the stick with an admonition, "This sacred rune stick will protect you and your friends from Baraga Locough. Carry it with you at all times, and the same gods who protect me will protect you from all of the night monsters. Of course, it can do nothing to prevent common accidents or attacks from wild animals, so be careful as you ride home."

"Thank you, John. Your courtesy to us is far more than we had expected. Thank you very much. Please call on us whenever we can be of help to you and your family and friends."

Wogal showed the rune stick to his companions, and there was a cheer of relief from them. Each man stopped by with a personal word of thanks before they rode away. It looked like I had gained even more mojo with that harmless bit of psychological warfare.

That night, as soon as the nomads had left for home, I was confronted by all five women of our group. They had formed a committee of the whole to ask why I had given protection to the men of another group, but had not done the same thing for my own people.

I was shocked! I had no idea how deeply superstitions were ingrained into these people. "Ladies, I am so sorry. I thought you understood that you did not need extra charms like those I gave to the men because you were a part of my extended family. Everybody in our group is automatically protected from the monsters of the night like Baraga Locough just by the fact that you are a member of the family. Everybody, including the children, is automatically protected as soon as they become a member of our group. I will give you a charm if it will make you feel better, but you don't need one. Baraga Locough, nor any other monster can harm you as long as I love you, and I love everybody." At this point, I grinned and said, "And I even love Erkla enough to protect him."

The women all understood the reason for my grin, so they grinned, too. Well, it looked like I had defused that situation. I could tell, though, that I was going to have to address the subject of these deeply held superstitions before I got into real trouble. You never knew when something weird could happen.


Damn, the surprises never ceased. I was now a major shaman! Erkla wanted me to ask the gods to bless his farm. It was obvious that this meant a lot to Erkla, so I had to take his request seriously. I explained that I would do as he requested, but I had to work in private for a while so that I could be sure to express what we wanted in exactly the right words. He could understand the necessity for precise phrasing, so I was able to escape to plan my next move.

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