Chapter 5

"Mom, you're not really going to wear that on your date tonight are you?"

Trisha Neilson-Ryan MD sat at her vanity dressed only in a blue silk robe and smiled in the mirror at her sixteen year-old daughter, Allison.

"First of all, it's not a date ... it's just dinner with a friend, and secondly, what's wrong with what I'm going to wear?"

Allison gestured at the blouse and skirt on the bed.

"That's what you wear to work every day. The only thing missing is your lab coat!"

Allison walked into her mother's closet and began looking through the hanging clothes. Trisha could hear hangers sliding on the closet rails.

Allison called out from the closet.

"So, this "friend" from work, is he another researcher?"

Trisha knew Allison was dying of curiosity since Trisha rarely went out. In the two years since Paul had died, Trisha had devoted herself to their daughter and to work. Paul had been a wonderful husband and father and they both missed him terribly.

"No ... he owns the computer company that's upgrading all our systems."

From the closet Allison said, "So he's some computer geek?"

Trisha smiled, as an image of Michael Anderson came to mind. Michael was far from a geek. He was tall and handsome, and soft-spoken, but when he spoke people listened. He had a presence that people had a hard time ignoring.

Suddenly she flushed as she remembered how Michael's strong body had felt against hers' all those years ago when they were in high school and she was madly in love with him. He was a wonderful, caring lover who had made her crazy. Trisha was glad her daughter couldn't see her reaction. Allison was a perceptive girl.

And truth be told, since Paul died Trish had felt a rekindling of the love she and Michael had shared in high school. It wasn't that she didn't miss her late husband – he was a brilliant caring man, who had loved her with all his heart. It was just that working so close with Michael sometimes for days on end, and long days they were, she fell in love with him all over again. Michael had been her first love and when they broke up she was devastated. For months it seemed she had an elephant sitting on her chest – she just couldn't breathe. Even in a new school away from him she was miserable. It had been her fault and that made it worse and then when she discovered her sister's savage plot to ruin Michael in high school she was devastated all over again. Michael disappeared after he finished school and nobody seemed to know where he had gone. And then one day more than four years later he walked into her lab at Berkeley.

"Mom, are you with me? Did you hear what I said?"

While she was lost in thought Allison had come out of her closet holding a chic little black dress and matching pumps – pumps that Trisha hadn't worn in a long time which had impossibly high heels. The dress was a classic black dress, sleeveless, with spaghetti straps and a bit shorter than she was comfortable with these days – not that she still didn't have the legs to pull it off. She had never worn it. Trisha had bought it to wear for their wedding anniversary dinner but that was the week when their lives were turned upside down because Paul was diagnosed with cancer of the spinal cord. Had it really been four years ago?

Trisha smiled and shook her head, "I don't think so. It's much too..."

"Too what?" Allison replied. "Sexy?" Holding it in front of herself she wondered if she could borrow it for the Junior Prom.

"And don't even think about borrowing it!" Trisha laughed.

Allison's face reddened, knowing her mother had read her so easily.

Changing tactics Allison said, "So what do you know about this guy?"

"Well he owns his own company, he's brilliant, has a son at Stanford, a daughter in law school at Berkeley and well ... he's nice looking..."

"Oh, how nice looking?" Allison teased.

"Very, now can we change the subject?"

"Only if you'll tell me how you met?"

She turned around on the chair and faced her daughter, struggling to think about what to say. She and Michael had now been working together for almost three years and the computer upgrade project was about to be completed. That bothered her more than she'd like to admit. Seeing Michael made her day and she would miss the quick brownbag lunches they often shared – sometimes in a conference room filled with medical center tech staff and Michael's people. It didn't matter just being around him brightened her life. During that final year of Paul's life as his illness took a greater toll she found herself relying on Michael more and more as a friend. He was someone she could trust and never worry about what might find its way into the medical center gossip chain.

On the day of Paul's funeral Michael had come to the memorial service and to the cemetery. She was aware of him amidst the throngs of mourners as he stood a few paces behind her, but they never got a chance to speak. She was greatly comforted by his presence. And as she turned away from the grave on that blustery and cool San Francisco day and watched him stride away toward his car, she finally gave in and admitted she had developed strong feelings for him. Was she deluding herself? Were her feelings just a reflection of the intense passion they shared all those years ago, or was this something new? Or was she just confused and vulnerable and seeking solace in a man who was a friend? Did he feel anything more than friendship and sympathy? During the year they worked together before Paul's death he had never shown anything but the affection and loyalty of a friend. Of course Michael was married but Trisha knew little of his marriage. Michael was certainly proud of his son and daughter but he rarely said anything about his wife.

"Hello, mother ... you still with me?"

"Oh sorry, I've know Michael since high school."

Allison looked at her sensing something more.

"He was my first boyfriend." There she had said it but those words unleashed such a sorrow it was hard to control the tears that sprang to her eyes. She grabbed for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, watching her daughter's expression change from someone who was going to make a wise-assed remark to a caring daughter.

Allison put the dress on the bed and came over and put her arms around her mother.

"He must have hurt you badly."

Trisha was at a loss for words as the sobs came out. She just couldn't imagine where this stabbing hurt had come from. After more than twenty years the memory of Michael walking away from her in the park across from the high school that rainy early January day, was as fresh and painful as the day it happened.

After a few minutes Trisha composed herself.

Allison moved away to the bed and sat facing her. She felt very protective of her mother and she couldn't imagine why she would even consider seeing a man who had hurt her so badly even if it was years ago.

Trisha blew her nose and looked at Allison feeling some explanation was needed and said, "He was the love of my life, my first love. He was a senior and I was a junior. We met at the Berkeley pool during the summer. He was a lifeguard."

She smiled a bit at the memory of their first meeting – meeting the shy lifeguard with the intense gray eyes and the killer body.

"So he took advantage of you and then broke your heart, right?" Alison asked. Her tone told Trisha exactly what she thought of him.

Trisha held back more tears with a great deal of will.

"No ... he loved me with all his heart ... but ... I did something incredibly stupid and I hurt him so much that he couldn't stand the sight of me..."

Trish hung her head and the tears came again.

Allison was confused. This woman, her mother was the epitome of the professional woman, a woman who blasted through college in three years at the top of her class, was accepted to medical school at twenty-one, married her mentor Paul Ryan a brilliant research scientist and spent her years solving the riddles of awful diseases. How did this superwoman make a mistake that caused her such sorrow many years later?

"I'm sorry Allison. I don't know what came over me. The memory of the day we broke up just washed over me." She smiled slightly and said, "I thought I'd forgotten all about that. I'm being silly."

She got up and joined her daughter who was still sitting on the bed. She took her hands and said, "Sometimes memories which have been locked away decide to pop out at unexpected moments."

Allison hugged her.

Trisha knew she had lied to her daughter. Being around Michael, especially after Paul died had reminded her daily of her stupidity, and despite how she tried to rationalize it as the misjudgment of a hormonal teen, who had too much to drink, it was still there in all its darkness.

Finally Trisha said, "Guess I'd better get back to getting ready."

Allison stood and picked up the black dress. "This is a definite. You're going to show this guy that he shouldn't have ditched you all those years ago." She grinned at her mother, nodding her head.

Trisha looked at her and then at the dress. "You're right. Tonight it will be eat your heart out Michael Anderson!"

Allison smirked at her and put the dress back on the bed. The mood had lightened.

"He's coming here?"

Trisha nodded.

"Well then I'll be interested in meeting this guy - especially if he's good looking. Now are we talking about hunky good looking or just not bad for an old guy?"

Trisha made a face at her daughter. "Get out of here and let me finish getting ready."

"On second thought mom, maybe you should just go with the skirt and blouse!" Allison laughed.

"Go!"

"Yes mother." She said in her most insincere voice.

"Out!"

As she left smiling she said, "I'll listen for the door."

As Trisha stepped into the shower she reminded herself that this "date" had come about because Trisha had asked Michael out. She had watched him cocoon himself after the divorce and decided it was time for him to get on with his life and she was determined to be the woman who helped him do that. She knew that she wanted to see him away from work so she could explore the feelings for him that had been growing since Paul's death. Actually she knew her feelings she just didn't know how Michael viewed their relationship. She wanted more than friendship.

Trisha did wish Michael had felt close enough to her to unburden himself about what had happened to his marriage. She knew some of the details and the cause of the divorce was a betrayal on the part of his wife.

She recalled the day that she first heard about a problem with Michael's wife. What was her name? Oh yes, Sarah. About a year ago he had arrived at the medical center for a meeting and he looked like hell. She called him aside at the break.

"Michael. Are you okay?" She smiled at him and said, "I'm your friend so I can tell you that you look terrible. Feeling all right?"

"I'm sorry Trisha ... just some family health problems kept me pretty much occupied over the weekend."

"Is everyone okay?" She said with genuine concern.

He looked at her, the sadness in his eyes made her want to cry. "My wife ... she's been hospitalized."

"Michael, why are you here? You should grab your things and go. This meeting can run itself." She looked back into the conference room and all the IT people had their heads together with Michael's techs. I really didn't matter whether Michael was there or not.

"She' unconscious and I couldn't just sit there and go crazy. Anyway my daughter is with her right now. I'll check back tonight."

Trisha took hold of his arm and steered him toward her office. She sat next to him on the couch. "Can you talk about it?"

He sighed heavily. "Sarah tried to commit suicide."

Trisha was shocked and had to suppress an urge to try to get all the medical details and said, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be okay?"

"She's out of danger."

Trisha didn't press for more, but after a minute or so he said, "I got home from Taipei on Sunday morning and ... I found her."

Trish put her arms around Michael and held him for several minutes.

Michael never provided any more details other than to give her an update on Sarah's condition when she asked. Not long after she was released from the hospital he announced he had moved out of their home and was divorcing her. Tricia was puzzled because she couldn't imagine Michael abandoning a wife of over twenty years under those circumstances. She wondered if she had misjudged his character. No, she decided, Sarah must have done something pretty terrible to Michael to precipitate a divorce after Sarah's hospitalization.

On her own she pieced together the story. When she heard that the law firm Madison and Trasker was downsizing and moving to Oakland she called a female friend who was one of the attorneys. Trisha knew Michael's wife had worked there.

"Trisha, several months ago the shit hit the fan around here. I'm moving on. This place is toxic. One of our paralegals tried to commit suicide. She was full of cocaine provided by one of or senior guys. An anonymous tip came into the DEA and they tore this place apart. They found a huge amount of drugs in his desk of all places. They think someone might have tipped him off since his computer was completely wiped – even DEA's best guys couldn't recover a thing. I did wonder if he had time to wipe his computer why he didn't flush the drugs. Puzzling..."

"Did you know Sarah Anderson?"

"Trisha, why the questions?"

She paused for a moment, "I'm a friend of Sarah's husband."

"Oh? You can't just ask him?"

"No."

She paused for a few moments and then said, "Look Trisha, I just heard that some of the senior guys were trading cocaine for sex with some of the assistants and that included Sarah Anderson. That's all I know, except there were some lawsuits and several firings and a mass exodus of attorneys from the firm."

"Thanks. I owe you."

Her friend laughed. "You can't afford me! But send me some business. I'll be over at Lloyd and Johnson."

So Trisha had discovered what tore Michael's marriage apart. It saddened her. What had prompted Sarah to get involved trading sex for drugs? She knew they had two children and apparently no money worries. Was Michael an ogre who made life so miserable for Sarah she turned to drugs and suicide? Trisha just couldn't imagine such a thing.

Of course Trisha knew Sarah from high school. Not well of course since Sarah and Trisha's older sister Melinda were on the pep squad together there was some contact. After high school she didn't recall ever seeing Sarah again until maybe three years ago, not long after Michael was awarded the huge contract to revamp the computer systems at the medical center.

It was at a charity gala for the medical center and it was also to honor Paul. He had rallied enough be able to attend – in a wheelchair. The cancer was spreading fast and it really was nothing but a matter of time. Just by chance they were seated at a table for eight with Michael and Sarah. Even though it had been years since they had seen each other the two women recognized each other instantly. The crowd was too big and the festivities too loud for much in the way of conversation. Trisha watched the two of them and saw the distance that that seemed to overshadow their relationship. Sarah was very attractive and probably didn't weigh much more than she had in high school. Trisha also noticed Sarah seemed to be hitting the wine pretty hard.

That evening Paul was honored and made a wonderful little speech, full of self deprecating humor, and as usual gave many thanks to his staff who he recognized by name. By the time he finished and gave a heartfelt thanks to Trisha there were many handkerchiefs in evidence. His pleas for more research funds made for a record fund-raising evening. As things wound down they were left at the table with only Michael and Sarah. Michael had been trying to get Sarah to dance with him but she seemed out of sorts. Finally, Paul called across the table, "Mr. Anderson might I ask you to do me a great favor?"

Michael looked across at Paul and smiled. "Please call me Michael ... and whatever favor I can grant, Doctor Ryan, I would be honored."

Paul smiled, "Well it's not an earth-shaking request, but Trisha loves to dance and I am temporarily chair-bound, so could you dance with her one time as my proxy?"

Michael stood and said, "I'd be delighted!"

Sarah stared daggers at Michael and reached for the last bottle of wine near the center of the table.

Trisha remembered that dance like it was yesterday. She wondered what was wrong with Sarah that she didn't want to dance with Michael. When Michael took her in his arms she forgot all about Sarah, and with the wine she had consumed she let herself go and melted against him as he led her around the dance floor, in the darkened ballroom. Michael was a superb dancer. Whoever taught him did a wonderful job. His lead was almost telepathic, guiding her with just a subtle pressure with a hand on her back or arm or a minor shift of his leg. She had never experienced dancing like this. It was wonderfully erotic. They had been working together for only a short time but this was the first time since they were teens that she had been in his arms, and the dance was over much too soon. She and Paul said their good nights and it was not lost on her that Sarah was rigid with anger when they returned to the table.

The memory of that night suddenly caused Trisha to consider that evening more closely. Had it been that dance that had started Sarah down the drug infused path she chose? There was a tension between the two but was it Sarah's jealously and insecurity over Michael working each day with Trisha that set the self-destructive course? Sarah and Trisha had been rivals of a sort many years ago but the fates had given Sarah the upper hand and she had ended up with Michael. Why would she feel threatened?

Trisha tried to will the memories away but without success. They flooded back. Suddenly she was sixteen again and in love for the first time and it was a beautiful northern California summer before her junior year. Those days with Michael were magical. He had come out of his shell with her. He explained reluctantly that his previous girlfriend, Sarah, had dumped him the year before. At the time, Trisha couldn't imagine what was wrong with that girl, but aside from the hurt to Michael she was grateful, since that left the field open for her. She knew vaguely who the girl was and then one day at the end of summer just before school started Trisha saw Sarah come to the Berkeley pool where Michael was the lifeguard. Trisha took great pleasure in walking up to Michael and putting her arm through his. Sarah seemed shocked. It was actually funny because Sarah seemed to want to be possessive, but Michael shut her down. It wasn't anything he said it was his attitude of coolness which let her know there was no more interest on his part. She had dumped him for the glamorous life of a cheerleader and had discovered that he wasn't going to wait for her. Trisha had never told Michael how satisfied she was to see his ex girlfriend put in her place.