Chapter 6: Woman

Billy leaned over the counter of the smoothie stand and watched me plod through the sand and then scamper up the short steps onto the boardwalk. I headed directly to him.

"You having fun?" he asked when I arrived.

I rested my elbows on the counter. "Yeah. Thanks for letting me go down there."

"Sure. Fine. How are – uh – what's her name? – Kayla? – and that Tyler guy?"

"They're good. They want us to go to the movies with them tonight."

He looked at me for a while and his mood seemed to turn dark. Then he shook his head. "I don't think so."

"It'd be fun. They wanna be my friends. And your friend too."

He leaned out over the counter and looked down onto the beach where Kayla, Tyler, and their friends gathered. They were chatting, drinking, and laughing. "I doubt it," he said.

I shrugged. Then I thought of that coming evening, me sitting at home, waiting, doing nothing much at all. Television, perhaps. Or just laying in bed. I didn't dare think of Mel or Dave, or of fucking them. No doubt Billy would only fuck me once, and only if I asked him, and only if he were in the mood.

I wanted to go to the movies very much. I'd never been to the movies.

"Billy, then can I go? – like, by myself?"

He seemed surprised. His mouth opened then closed. He glanced down onto the beach again, then back at me. "Amber –" he said. "Uh – look –"

I kept my elbows on the counter and peered directly at him, waiting for him, for what he would say. I expected him to say no. Of course he would say no; what else could Billy do? But I wanted him to say it, to put it out there, to leave nothing assumed or merely accepted.

He opened and closed his mouth again. He stammered.

Then he stepped back into the shadows of the smoothie stand. I heard his voice. "Fine. You can go. But those boys, they'll try to fuck you, count on that. You have to say no. Alright? You'll say no?"

So, it was I who must say no. But still, to go with my friends, in the dark, at the movies.

"Of course. I can't cheat on you that way – you know that, right? I mean – when you disagree with Mel it's one thing, but I can't just cheat."

I still couldn't cheat – I didn't think – not even if I wanted to. At that moment, I glanced at Kayla and Tyler, and the others too.

He said, "Yeah. I guess I know that."

I turned back to him and reached out my hand. "Take my hand, sweetie."

He took it. I smiled.

"Thanks! I'm gonna go tell them. Okay?"

"Yeah."

"And when I get home tonight, I promise something super-special! Okay?"

"Sure, fine, Amber."

I ran back down to the beach to tell my friends.

We piled into two cars, Kayla, Billy, and a whole bunch of other kids, and drove north of town, out from the valley, up and over a ridge line, then another, then down into a different valley with a different town. It sprawled further than San Vincente; its lights stretched out before me. I saw them from the high, twisty road as we descended.

Kayla drove. Tyler sat next to her. I was piled in back with three other girls. They laughed and were nice.

At the theater, we parked, the two cars side by side, in a huge parking lot with lots of cars and other groups of kids milling about and running and grabbing each other. Many of them were drinking. Some were smoking.

There were groups with just boys, other groups with just girls. Most, however, were mixed like us. Tyler leaned next to me on the trunk of Kayla's car.

"When does the movie start?" I asked. "Don't we go inside?"

"Sure. It starts at ten. Usually we wait out here for a while. Wanna beer?"

One of the girls, Madison, said, "Yuck. Have some of this." She handed me a little glass bottle with a green label. "Just take a sip."

I took a sip and it was sweet and burned at the same time. I gasped and my eyes got wide. Everyone else smiled.

"Told ya," Madison said.

I must have looked confused, for Kayla said, "Madison was guessing that you'd never had anything hard before."

I took another sip. The sensation on my tongue was fascinating.

"It's good," I said, except it came out more like, uz gud. The girls laughed more. I took a gulp.

Then Kayla reached and took the bottle from me. "That's enough, dear."

Across the car from us, some of the boys, including Marcos and the blond-haired guy, had gathered. Next to them, on the hood, sat the cooler. Each held a beer, and they were running around and bumping each other, evidently trying not to spill them. Marcos shouted, "Hey Tyler, get over here."

He smiled and nodded to us, to me mostly – I think – and ran over to the boys.

"I think Tyler likes you," Madison said in a hushed voice, but the boys seemed to hear anyway. They certainly got quiet at just that moment.

Kayla watched me with a curious look. They all did. And I looked at Tyler. I couldn't help it. I just stared and thought and felt things. He had turned back toward us and was watching me. My eyes dropped. "Aw! She's shy!" Madison said. She poked my shoulder. There was more laughter. Tyler slowly approached, returning from around the car, walking toward us, watching me.

When he arrived, he said, "Hey Amber. Wanna go for a walk?"

"Uh –"

Madison was smiling. Kayla was smiling huge.

"Come on." He reached and took my hand. "We can just talk."

"Okay."

The side of the movie theater was a long, narrow stretch of asphalt lit by bright yellow lamps that cast few shadows and gave a sense of being in a haze. From this place, we could hear the hum of traffic from a main highway just beyond a tall hedge. I strolled along next to Tyler. He held my hand.

"You know I like you, Amber? Right?"

"Yeah. I thought you might."

He squeezed my hand tighter, just a bit. "So – uh – I know you're with someone, and usually –"

He stopped and turned to me, taking my other hand so that we stood face to face. I stepped back, a half step, just enough to get a tiny bit of distance. Tyler was taller than me, not as tall as Billy, and he hardly loomed or overwhelmed me, but still, I needed a bit of distance just to think straight.

He was wearing a loose fitting tee shirt, sky blue, and board shorts with a red and blue floral design. It was hardly a sexy outfit, but his face, the soft angle to his cheeks, and the cut of his arms and legs –

I stepped back further and broke from his grip. I looked down and stammered.

Truly, I wished that he would take me right there.

"It's okay, Amber. I understand." I looked up. He was smiling at me. "You wanna go back?"

"Uh –"

"Come on." He turned back toward the direction of the others.

"We can walk more," I said.

Billy never said I couldn't walk with a boy.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. This is nice. Let's just walk."

So we walked. And as we passed around behind the building, I walked close to him, arms touching, hoping that he would again take my hand. Soon enough, he did. So close. I felt an amazing sense of warmth.

"So – are you happy with Billy?" he asked.

I guess I'd been happy lately, but then again –

There was no way I could explain it, so instead I shrugged.

"Look, Amber, I think you're really pretty. I mean – amazing, actually. Like, I think about you a lot. And I know there's something crazy in your life that got you here, y'know, with Billy and his sister. Anyhow, you don't have to stay with them. Or whatever. I like you. See?"

I nodded. We walked.

"You gonna say something?" he asked. "Give me something. Do you feel the same? – even a little bit?"

Yes. Very much. So much. More than I could say. And of course I couldn't say, no matter how much I wanted.

Unless he pushed me to the brink. Unless I was overwhelmed. Then, it seemed, I could speak plainly.

I held his hand and was close to him, feeling his warmth.

Push me to the brink, Tyler. Take me.

I gave him a shy glance. His lips parted slightly and he sighed. Then he grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face him.

"Say something! Do you feel the same? Am I wasting my time?"

I tilted my head and let my mouth open slightly. I slid my shoulders back and opened my body to him, showing him all of me. I was wearing the most darling blue skirt and flimsy cami. Could he resist me?

Touch me. Please.

But soon a look of sadness crossed his face, deep sadness. He released my shoulders, stepped back, and shook his head. "Amber," he said, "I know you've been through some crazy shit, but I'm not really into these sorts of games."

He waited. I said nothing and tried to look as slutty as possible.

"Let's head back to the others." He turned and began to walk back.

I was losing him.

"Please Tyler. Stay with me. I know I'm crazy, but don't go." He took a few more steps, but he slowed. At least he slowed. "Please." The word came out quiet, alone – like me under the strange, spooky lights. The air felt cool. But he heard it, my meager please. He stopped and turned. I reached out my arms to him, a dozen yards away.

He came back. When he got to me – still standing with my arms outstretched – he reached and took my hands. He stepped forward. I remained still. "Amber." He touched my face.

The touch became a caress, and I leaned into it as his fingertips ran across my chin and up my cheek. I smiled and bit my lip. Then I dropped my gaze and waited for him to do more.

His fingers were still on me. He lifted my chin. Then the kiss came, a sweet kiss, a lingering, delightful kiss. So wonderful.

But I couldn't hold out. I couldn't resist the impulse. Against every conscious desire, against my very being, I pushed him away. "No!" I said.

"What the fuck!"

He pulled me to him and kissed me again. And I pushed him away again, my weak push, so little against so much. There was no way my push could be enough to stop him, if he wanted me, if he forced himself on me, and how wonderful that was.

Take me.

But he yielded. He stepped back and let my push, my stupid, meager arms, drive him away. He released his hold on me and stepped back.

"What the fuck, Amber? You want it or not?"

"Oh Tyler!" There was terror my voice, and all the sadness in the world. "I can't. Billy."

"Fuck this! Amber!" He said it loud, like he was angry, but his eyes were soft and pleading. I reached and pulled down the top of my cami and showed him my breasts. He blinked. "Jesus, Amber! What the fuck do you want!"

I looked away, lest my will fail me. I pushed the thoughts of him, Billy, Mel, Kayla, everyone – everyone but me alone under the lights – I pushed it all from my mind. But my breasts were there, exposed to the chill air. I reached and rubbed a nipple.

If he wanted me, if he were any part a man, he would take me.

And, of course, I was such a stupid, broken girl who knew so little of decent boys. Tyler said nothing, not another word. He turned and walked back to the others. I heard his footsteps draw away.

Oh Tyler! Why are you so good? What's the harm in a sweet little rape?

Later, Kayla came and found me crying behind the theater. I was plopped down, butt on the ground against the wall, and the tears flowed. As she approached, I wiped my eyes – although that was futile – and watched her. When she got close, I forced a smile.

"Hi Kayla."

"Sweetie, are you okay? What happened?"

I shrugged. "I guess Tyler didn't want me."

She sighed. "Oh Amber! You know that isn't true. I mean – he told us a little, and he isn't the sort to talk shit."

I shrugged. And I gently cried. She waited. Then she knelt next to me and put her hand on me.

"Come on, get up."

But I didn't rise. I huddled up and hugged my knees to my chest. Her hand gripped around my shoulder.

"Lemme take you home. You can't spend the night shivering behind the theater."

"What about the movie?"

I glanced at her and she had a frown. She tilted her head to the side. "It's already started. And everyone's inside."

"You missed the movie?" I gulped and my voice sounded small.

"Yeah. That doesn't matter. Now come, get up."

I got up. "How will the others get home?"

"Don't worry about them. They can get rides." She rose also, behind me, and put her hand on the small of my back. "And anyhow, they know I'm taking you." She nudged me forward. "They'll be fine."

Soon, we were in her car, driving through the steep hills. The windows were cracked and the air was cool. It was pitch dark, other than the headlights and the dim glow of the dash.

"Okay, Amber, tell me what happened?"

I didn't answer. It was too nice, just speeding along in the darkness, alone with her. I felt deep things, as if I weren't really in this world, that she and I were in a bubble floating in an endless space, like my first moments of life when everything was warm, limitless, and perfect. Why diminish that with words?