Chapter 12: Things Fall Apart!

[I dedicate this chapter to all the women out there that have or are still dealing with cancer. I just want you all to know that you are not always alone and you should give people who care the chance to be there for you, because more often than not, they can take whatever cancer brings on. I'd like you to know that God loves you all and even if you're questioning yourself and Him, he does know best why He should allow it. God Bless you all!]

What do you say to a woman when she tells you that she is carrying one of the deadliest women killer diseases in history? What do you say to your mother when she tells you that she has cancer? How do you feel when the only person in your life, the sun of your life, your only living relative had just received her death certificate?

Call me paranoid or anything for the way I was thinking but from what I know of cancer, especially breast cancer, I know that most people that contract it never live to tell their tales. I also knew that the treatment of cancer depends on how early it is found. So how early or late was my mom in finding out that she has cancer of the breast?

There I was in our kitchen holding my crying mother in my hands unsure of how to tackle this situation, unsure of what to say to her. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for this situation. I had lost my father but it had been sudden and inevitable. This, this news, this disease was different because it was like living with someone who knows for sure that she was going to die, which is like what my situation was like.

With a start, I realized that I was already thinking of my mother in the light that she was going to die. I realized that I was already giving in to the disease, allowing it to beat me. There is a saying that Heavens help those that help themselves. How was I going or specifically, how were we going to beat cancer if we already have it at the back of our head that cancer was going to beat us? I am a fighter and I know that in any fight, even if your opponent outmatches you that the only way to ensure you win is go into the fight with a winning mentality. So I screwed my mentality right. Cancer is not going to beat us. Cancer is not going to take my mother. She will survive. That became my new mantra.

"It's going to be alright, ma," I promised my sobbing mother even when I didn't have any idea of how it was going to be alright. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be alright," I chanted.

Mom continued sobbing. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears. Even I wanted to cry but I knew that more than anything, my mother needed me to be the strong one for her. She needed me to be her strength in this adversity. It was a role I knew too well. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder if I would find the strength this time to be strong for my mother. God, please give me strength, I prayed.

"I'm going to die Evans, I'm going to die," she continued sobbing. God, not again. Anything but this.

"There, there ma, don't say that. You're not going to die, not while I'm alive," I encouraged. It was the only thing I could come up with.

"But how Evans, how is it going to be alright? How am I going to live? Even my oncologist isn't sure what my chances are. So tell me, how it is going to be alright?" she asked me. From her voice I knew that she desperately needed to be reassured of how it is going to be alright.

"Ma, don't ask me how it is going to be alright, okay? Because I honestly don't know how. All I know is that I'm going to get you the best medical care in the world," I vowed.

"But where will the money come from Evans? I have seen some treatment options and they are expensive. Even if I survive this thing, I'm afraid that we will come out of it worse for wear," she expressed her concerns. Now we were getting somewhere.

"Don't say that ma. You're forgetting something; this is exactly why I have been working myself to death. I might not have expected cancer but I knew that a day would come when the money we have will not be enough to save us. That's why I have been finding means to get money," I explained to her. I turned her so that she was looking at me, seeing my serious expression. "I'm not losing you, mother. I've lost too many parent I can possibly take. Even if it means me going into the Land of the Dead and personally dragging you back to life, I would do it. Even if it means sacrificing my life and everything I have worked for, I would do it. But the fact is that I ... Am ... Not ... Losing ... You. You're too precious to me. No cancer or power on earth is taking you away from me," I promised my mother as well as myself and any other spirit that might have been listening into our conversation.

I must have said a good thing because mom smiled wanly and hugged me. Yes, it was going to be alright.

"You're too good to me," she said.

"What?" I asked her feigning seriousness. "Here I was thinking that you're too good for me. So who's too good for whom now?"

She smiled. Yes it was going to be alright. "Smartass," she called.

"You wouldn't want me any other way," I retorted.

"Yes, I wouldn't want you any other way, but that doesn't mean you're not a smartass."

"I could be anything for you, ma," I said more solemnly.

She hugged me to herself still. God, please give me strength, I prayed.

"Does Beth know?" I asked her after some time. She nodded. I figured. Was there ever anything going on in our life that Beth doesn't know about? "What of Tom, have you told him?"

She shook her head. "I don't know how to tell him," she finally said at last.

"Why?" I asked surprised that she hadn't told Tommy Boy.

"I don't think he can handle it," she said in a sad voice.

"I thought you loved each other?" I asked still surprised at the faith that mom had in Tom.

"I don't know about love but we do have a good time, which is the only thing we'll ever have," she said in a saddened voice.

"Well, I am always here for you ma, always," I avowed.

We stayed some more before we said goodnight. Being a school night, we both knew that I needed to be on bed on time, which is what we did.

The next morning, I was picked up for school by Beth, who usually picked me up on Mondays. I kissed my mom goodbye, wished her well and was about rushing out the door when she said, "We have an appointment with my oncologist this Friday." She said it with a catch in her voice.

"Alright mom, I'll clear my schedule," I replied her. I went over to where she stood and hugged her to me. "It'll be alright ma, I promise." She hugged me tight again. God, please give me strength.

I was finally able to leave my much better mom and ran out to meet Beth. "Good morning, Beautiful," I greeted.

"Morning Handsome how was your night?" she asked while engaging the car.

"'Twas fine, I guess," I replied her. I was still feeling down due to the news mom gave me that I wasn't feeling exactly chatty. She must have sensed my mood for she let me be. I was silent for some time when I realized that I was carrying this heavy weight on my shoulders all alone when I had someone to share it with.

If there ever was someone who could understand my plight, it was Beth because that's the kind of person she is: understanding. I decided that I wasn't going to carry this weight all alone. Besides, it wasn't like Beth didn't know about my mom's condition. From the conversation I had with mom, I knew that Beth knew about my mom's condition. I needed to confirm.

"You know about mom?" I asked her after the silence had stretched for a considerable period of time.

"Yeah, she told me the first time she went to see her doctor," she replied while looking at the road.

I nodded. I had suspected as much and I was happy that mom hadn't really been alone all these while. "Thanks," I said after some times. " ... For taking care of my mother," I finished.

"Don't mention it, she would have done the same for me," she replied while taking my hand and squeezing it.

I nodded which she couldn't have seen. Did I mention that I wasn't feeling chatty? I decided that I needed to change the topic.

"Where's Any?" I asked her.

"Oh, she said she was getting a ride with her boyfriend." "Oh, I guess I'll see her in school then." "I hope so." The silence stretched again. Today feels like one of those days that you don't just know what to say.

I was actually saved from the awkward silence when we reached school. I alighted from the car, went over to her side and kissed her cheeks. "I'm grateful my mom has you. I'm grateful that you're in our lives now. She will need you now more than ever. Yet, I know that as much as she will need you, you'll be there for her. Thank you so much Beautiful," I said with an emotion-laden voice. Tears were threatening to betray me so I turned and rushed into the school building. I didn't want Beth to see me cry.

Jake was there to welcome me to school with a smile that would have lit up New York. Somehow, that smile wasn't as brightening as it used to be. I used to live for that smile every morning knowing that no matter what, I would always have a great day. Somehow, with all that was happening, with the threat of losing my only living parent, I couldn't see any hope in that smile. Strange enough, Melissa was there with him. Melissa, waiting with Jake to welcome me to school? Wonders shall never cease.

"'Sup dude, you don't look alright?" Jake asked when we had had our hug.

"Morning Melissa, you look great this morning," I greeted Melissa who seems to brighten with my remark. Wonders?

"I'm alright, just having a weird morning is all," I answered Jake while risking a glance at Melissa.

Jake got my drift and thankfully let the subject die. We all started walking towards our respective lockers. My first period that morning was calculus and to be frank, I wasn't feeling up to calculating anything. The things we do for education.

I was already heading for my class when Melissa smiled and waved to me before going off to her first period. Now I was definitely weirded out. Strange things were happening to me that I honestly cannot comprehend.

Classes were okay as long as you are coasting through them. I wasn't paying particular attention to the teachers which they noticed and which they called me to it. But I was far gone in my world to even notice.

Lunch was right after fourth period and I was happy that Jake, Bethany and I shared the same lunch period. I paid for lunch and made my way to where Jake sat. We dug into our lunch not that I had any appetite at all. I was just trying to have some semblance of stability in my life and lunch period is the period where I felt like a kid again without all the worries and family obligations to meet. Jake and I were discussing our fight when Bethany came to our table.

"Look who is here, longest time mister," Bethany greeted when she sat down.

"Yeah, longest time. How have you been?" I asked her trying to make conversation.

"I've been alright. I missed you during the weekend." "Yeah right, when you were shagging your boyfriend. You missed me alright," I said with a laugh. Jake snorted out his drink by laughing and Bethany looked totally scandalized.

"What outrage!" she exclaimed with a practiced haughtiness. "I should have you head on the stake for speaking such foul language." "Which head, the big or small one?" I teased deciding to have my fun.

Jake was having a fit. His laughter was ringing out throughout the whole lunch room, making people stare our way. I could see mirth of laughter showing on Bethany's face.

"What's up with you today?" she asked still laughing. "It's like you woke up from the right side of bed today," she said shaking her head in laughter.

"I'm all for any side of bed that makes him this fun," said a laughing Jake.

"Me too," Bethany seconded.

"So you miss me that much huh?" I prodded, still trying to keep the conversation going.

"Well, I mostly did."

"I missed you too, you know?" I said more seriously.

She looked at me for a moment then reached out and squeezed my hand. "Me too."

"Enough of the heavy stuff, so which head were you talking about again," Jake tried to bring us back to our former line of conversation.

"Perv!" Any exclaimed.

"I admit to that heartily," he said while leering Any's sizeable bust which I must say was looking rather impressive than before, not that I had been checking her out because that would be totally, weird? Perverse?

We all laughed at that. God, did I tell you yet that lunch always felt this good?

"May I join you?" a figure asked.

The laughter died in our throats, the table became quiet, even the whole lunch room became still.

Why you ask? The figure standing in front of us, requesting for permission from us, particularly me since it was staring at me, was Melissa, Jake's sister who in the two years that I have known her never sat around me or our group during lunch. Hell, she never even had lunch in the lunch room before.

We were all quiet not knowing how to handle the situation. I looked at Jake who was pointedly looking at his lunch. I looked at Bethany who was looking from me to Jake to Melissa back to me. I chanced a look at Melissa and she was looking at me expectantly. What was I to do? I stared down on my very cold lunch.

"I'm sorry if my presence makes you uncomfortable. I'll just have to have another place to east lunch," Melissa said in something that sounded like a disappointed tone. Whatever she said broke Bethany from her daze.

"You don't have to eat lunch elsewhere, I'm sure that there's space for you here, right guys?" she asked looking at us with a stare that made it clear what our answer should be. We just mumbled something.

"See? They are all in agreement. Please, do sit down," Bethany courteously ushered Melissa to her seat.

An awkward silence ensued as we watched Melissa unpack her lunch.

"So what were you guys saying that was so funny?" she asked after she had unpacked her lunch.

I looked at Jake and he was still looking at his meal, so I took a point off his book and did the same. Bethany must have known that we weren't going to say anything when she said, "EJ was just telling me how much his HEADS missed me over the weekend because he believes I was huh-huhing with my BF."

I think they put something in Jake's drink because for some reason he was spitting it out after drinking it. I wasn't much better anyways though I might actually get points for my discretion.

"Heads, I can only see one head," Melissa observed while looking at Bethany with raised eyebrows.

"Oh believe me, he has heads alright. Actually he has two, the big and the small one as he calls them," Bethany said with a smirking smile on her face. She must be enjoying put me on the spot. Again went Jake's precious drink.

Melissa must have finally realized what we were saying for she asked, "Oh, I didn't think you and Evans were like that?"

"You didn't think me and Evans were like what?" Bethany reiterated in mock seriousness.

"You know," Melissa hemmed.

"Oh that!" Bethany exclaimed like she just got her drift. "Believe me, as great as EJ is, I know he and I weren't meant to be that way," she said while looking at Melissa in an evaluating way.

"Oh, I see," Melissa said in a relieved tone.

"And while was he referring to his other head again, his big one not enough for the missing?" Melissa asked mischievously.

"Oh, I like this one. But you'd have to ask him," Bethany replied and they both broke off in a fit of mischievous laughter.

I looked at Jake and he shrugged. Somehow, we had just been usurped by the girls.

And that was how lunch continued. The girls totally dominated the discussion while Jake and I concentrated on our lunch. We only said anything when we were asked specifically by either of the girls. Way to go Melissa.

Somehow she had come and taken away the only thing that was keeping me sane. With no conversation to be part of, I started thinking about my mom and the obstacle she would face as a cancer patient. I started thinking about how I was going to be strong for my mother. All these thoughts of cancer and sickness and death left me feeling broody and emotionally down. The darkness returned and it was trying to over power me.

I made excuses to my lunch mates and made my way to the restroom. In the relative privacy of the restroom, I found respite, in my tears. I hadn't cried in ages and I felt like I was weak.

All my life I had grown up with this knowledge that men are supposed to be stoic, and emotionally strong. I grew up with the idea that men aren't supposed to show their emotions. That they are supposed to be like lambs that just bear it all without giving expression to their emotions. At least, that was what my Nigerian side taught me; that men are the emotionally strong ones. Now here I was, doing the same thing that my upbringing went against. I felt weak, worthless.

In my anguish, I remembered a poem I had once read. It was a poem I read some long time ago, funny how my mind could dredge up something like that poem: 'Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart: the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.' It was The Second Coming by Yeats. It was also from this sad poem that the most popular literary piece ever written by a Nigerian and an African as well was derived; Things Fall Apart.

Things fall apart: the centre cannot hold. Like a litany, that line was repeated in my head. My world was crumbling, falling apart to shreds. The question then was, can my centre, the centre of my family hold? With a start I realized that for all it was, I was the centre of my family, the glue that held us together. I was the one everyone was always looking up to be the strong one.

How can I be the centre of my family when I myself am falling apart? How was I going to help my mother if I break down like his every time? How was I going to hold our family together like this? How was I going to be strong? Was I even capable of being strong for myself, my family and the ones who are counting on me for that strength?

, it never is. If it was fair, I would still be playing video games, watching football or basketball games or reading some Playboy magazines while dreaming of making love to my crush. But it isn't. Now I have a family to take care of, obligations to meet, expectations to live up to and now, a sick mother to take care of.

Where is God when you need Him? Why does he insist on making us pass through these pains in the name of training us? Even if he isn't the one causing all these pains, why does He sit on His throne in His heaven and just watch as we go through life this way? Isn't He supposed to be taking care of us, like now that we needed him the most?

What can I say, you never know the questions you have in your satchel until you find yourself in a position to really look into your satchel. Life is never fair.

So what? A voice inside of me asked me. Life isn't fair, is that the reason you should be crying in a restroom, in school? Are you the only one that has had something bad happen to him? Wake up Evans, surely you must realize that millions of people go through situations if not worse than the ones you are in right now, yet they still go on living. Look on the bright side, of things because that has always been your style, your policy. Never say never, remember? At least you've got you friends who are there for you. You are not alone, you know that you will never be alone.

Wow I got to tell you, nothing beats having yourself advise yourself. It's the most eye-opening thing that could ever happen to you. I realized that he was right. Of course! I am right or do you think I was just talking because I wanted to open my mouth? That was scary which should have weirded me out but from all that I have seen, I have definitely seen enough to not be weireded out by myself talking to myself.

I went to the sink and washed my face deciding that I wasn't going to spend time bemoaning my fate. I was going to be strong for my mother and my family (it might do you good to note that when I use the expression my family, I am actually referring to my mom, Beth and Bethany. It is as simple as that because I had come to see them as my family. Family doesn't always mean the people you share blood link with. Sometimes, you develop a family by sharing experiences together. Believe me when I tell you that that is the best kind of familial bond there is. On extended note, I see the whole Parker Clan as part of my family too) and my friends. I was determined to be the person that will always hold us together, the centre of my family.

I was loosely aware that lunch period was almost over so I didn't think I should go back to the lunch room after my friends. So, I decided to go to my next period and see them later.

"Thank God you're here, I have been looking all over the school for you," a voice exclaimed with relief.

"Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed, startled out of my boots by the unexpected voice.

I turned to see who it was that wanted to give me heart attack on top of my problems and I saw Melissa looking at me with obvious relief. Believe me when I tell you that I was shocked.

Why would I be shocked? For one thing she was here, right after a very emotional moment for me and she said she had been looking everywhere for me. Yes, I should be shocked.

I took a deep breathe to calm my racing heart, schooled my face of every emotion and asked her, "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean by that? I was looking for you of course," she said in a demeaning voice meant for people who asked stupid questions. I guess I did ask stupid a question.

"Well, I'm just surprised to see you is all," I said in a manner meant to redeem my integrity.

"What took you so long in the restroom?"

"I was just easing myself," I answered while making my way to my locker.

"I know you ease yourself in a restroom but I meant what were you DOING in there?" she really emphasized the doing word as if implying that she somehow knew what I was doing in there. But that couldn't have been possible now, could it?

"I don't understand what you mean by that. Like I told you before, I was just answering nature's call," I said solicitously to dissuade her thinking along the line that her thoughts were currently on.

"So why is it that your eyes are all red?"

"Which eyes, red?" I asked while trying to rub away the redness.

She placed her hand on my arm that was furiously rubbing away the redness. "What is the matter, Eeej?" she asked me in a seriously concerned voice.

I became still in shock. She never called me 'Eeej', preferring to call me my full name. And she never was concerned in anything that had to do with me, at least not that I knew of. I chanced a look at her and for the life of me; she was really concerned about me. That in itself was enough to make any man have a heart attack.

"What gives you the impression that something is wrong with me?" I asked in a level tone.

She let out an exasperated gasp as if trying to talk sense into a toddler who is bent on not learning. "I felt your emotions," she said as if it was simple as that.

"Whatever you felt, you felt wrong," I vehemently opposed as I started walking towards my next period which I must admit I was already late for.

She took my hand forestalling any movement from me. "Why won't you let me in, Eeej?" she asked in an almost pained voice.

I sighed in exasperation too. "Why won't I let you in?" I asked incredulous even with the idea of her asking such ridiculous question. "It's been two years now since I first met you and how many conversations have we had?" I looked at her expecting her to answer. She only looked to the other side. "Exactly! None. We've never talked before. I've always been beneath you, not good enough or for the worse part, I think you actually saw me as a leech." She was going to protest but I cut her off. "uh-uhhh. Allow me to finish. So two years and no talking. All of a sudden you want to be best friends, you want me to let you in? What actually are you doing because I don't really understand what to make of this. But, you know what," I threw my hands in exasperation. "I don't care. I've got enough on my plates that I really don't care what is happening to you. Please, just leave alone." With that said I left a stunned Melissa and started walking to my class. Of course I was late, but I didn't care. My head was swirling to even care anymore.

What remained of that school day went in a blur. I was relieved when the bell rang signaling the end of final period. I rounded up with Jake and then we started walking home with Jake dragging his bike. Jake was saying something about a physics class when I reminded myself of the resolve that I had made in the restroom. I decided to start implementing those resolves.

"You know that as friend we will always tell each other everything, especially things that are going on in our lives?" I asked Jake after I had gotten his attention off physics.

"Yeah, I know," he answered.

"Well, I just want to tell you that from now on that I won't be spending much time at your house." I looked at him to see what his reaction would be. He was just looking at me, waiting for me to provide the reason for my decision. "My mother has breast cancer," I finally said.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed with his eyes bulging out. "I'm so sorry Eeej, I didn't know. My God!" He was confused. He didn't know how to handle such emotions, never did.

"It's okay. I just knew of it yesterday." I tried to soothe him.

"How's your mother doing? Is she alright?" he asked, concern showing on his face.

"She's doing well given her condition. I just wanted to tell you because I wouldn't want us keeping anything from each other."

"It must be hard for you, having to deal with all these at such a young age. How're you holding up?"

"Well, I was surprised at first. Scared to my bones but then I realized that it could have been worse than this. I'm actually hopeful that my mother will pull through this, that we will survive as a family."

He drapped his arm around my neck and drew me close to him. "No matter what happens, you'll always have me. You know that right?"

"Yeah, trust me I know. It's actually what's been keeping me sane lately."

We were quiet for a while as we slowly matched home. "So what happens now?"

"I honestly don't know. Mom has an appointment with her oncologist. After that, we will know how bad the situation really is."

"In the mean time, you've got me."

"Yeah, I have got you."

We continued to walk. He saw me off at my house and then pedaled home to his. The house was quiet since mom wasn't home yet so I decided to do some chores around the house, help her reduce her workload.

Around 5:30 mom came home and we talked about our day. I left her to do my assignments and catch up on my studies. I was still doing that when I was called down for dinner.

Dinner was a casual affair. Somehow, with the way Bethany was acting I knew that somebody must have told her what was going on. The first few minutes were actually awkward until Bethany decided to use me as a subject to enliven the dinning room. She told them what happened during lunch that day and what I had said. When she mentioned Melissa coming over to join us, everyone was looking at me in askance. I had to explain.

I told them that I didn't know what was up with her but as far as I could tell that there was nothing going on between us. They might have believed me that was until Beth said that I was dumping her for a younger girl. And that it must have been the reason why I didn't see how beautiful she spruced up for me that day. They all laughed at my embarrassment and it actually was okay with me as long as mom got to laugh that much.

"Hey, I heard about you mom. Mom told me this evening when she came back," Bethany said when we were alone in my room that same evening after dinner.

"It's okay. I should have told you but I never got the chance what with Melissa coming over to our table for lunch," I replied her.

"Yes, that was definitely strange. What's up with her anyway?"

"You'd have to ask her that. She has really been acting all weird."

"Well, when did this weirdness start?" she prodded.

"Hmmmmm," I said contemplatively. "I think I noticed it during the weekend at her place. Suddenly she seemed nicer, smiled more at me and talked more at me. Believe me that it was strange for me."

"Well, I think she likes you."

"Puh-lease, tell me some other thing. Before Melissa would like me, I think hell will freeze over first," I said finding the whole notion totally ridiculous.

"Well, from another woman who knows these things, I think she likes you."

"Well love doctor, can we talk about something else, like what's up with you and your boyfriend? I noticed the way you reacted when I asked about you and him."