Chapter 7: The Voices of Submission

Hello there. My name is Wendy Weizenbaum (I LOVE writing that name!), and Brenda asked me to write about the day I met her ... and Willie and Dee and ... everybody. And since I can no more refuse Brenda a request than I could stop breathing, I'll do so. I begged her to let me leave out the sex and other embarrassing stuff ... but she was insistent that I make a complete record of it. So, here goes.

I got up about seven and made my bed. Lot of good THAT did. The room was a PIT! It was just the third week of the new semester, and my new roommate (who had evidently spent the night elsewhere) was a total pig! She dressed like a slob, had about twenty piercings (and those were just the ones that you could SEE!), and tattoos and carvings on her arms and hands. In the room, there were clothes and books and candy wrappers and junk everywhere. There were cigarette ashes in the carpet, even though she had filled out the dorm request form saying she was a non-smoker. I couldn't WAIT to get out of there!

The voices started getting stronger about 9:30, during Physiology 601, and by my third class (BioChem), they were absolutely roaring.

I guess I should explain about the voices. They started when I was twelve or thirteen. At first, I made the HUGE mistake of telling people about them ... you know, like my folks and my counselor. They, of course, took me to "professionals" who asked the sort of questions you'd expect: "Just what do the voices tell you to do, Wendy?" Sigh. Everybody sort of naturally assumed I was nutso. And, of course, not one of those professionals believed it when I explained that the voices didn't really "tell me" anything at all. I couldn't even understand what they were saying! It was sort of like being at a concert before it started, you know? When everybody is talking to everybody else? And because EVERYBODY was talking, then as it got too loud to hear at a normal tone, everybody started talking louder and louder. On rare occasions, I could pick out an individual word, like somebody would yell "NO!" or "Stop!" ... or maybe a scream every now and then. But never anything I could actually understand. It didn't matter if I was really IN a crowded room or by myself in the woods, it was always the same, though sometimes (for no apparent reason) the voices were louder. And it didn't take me long to start lying about it, either. When I announced to the psychiatrists that I was "cured," they were only too happy to consider the case closed so they could just send my folks the bill.

And so, there I was ... the middle of BioChem, and it sounded (to me, anyway) like everybody in the whole world was talking at the same time, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I got up and left the class, without a word to the Prof or anything, and I wandered back to my room in hopes of taking a nap, or maybe committing suicide or something.

And when I walked into my dorm room, I couldn't believe my eyes. The place was spotless! And there was my roomie, Tina, standing there all CLEAN and nice-looking ... not the normal slob of herself at all. I looked around. She'd even re-made MY bed, with clean sheets (which she must have done herself in the laundry room).

Now, when the voices are really howling, it's sometimes hard to carry on a decent conversation, but I got the impression that she was apologizing profusely about how she had lived during our three weeks together, and she promised that she would be different now. And then she said that she wanted to go out, and maybe do lunch, and hang out together for awhile. Of course, that was the LAST thing I wanted to do, but she kept going on and on about it, and finally I just told her, alright, let's go. I mean, with the voices going the way they were, I just wanted to shut her up, you know?

So I followed her as she led me out into the parking lot to her car, and we got in, and she started driving. I was in such a foul mood that I didn't even care where we were going. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere for lunch, but I told her I wasn't really hungry. We were quiet for awhile, and I didn't even object when I realized that she was driving off into the country somewhere. But I DID perk up when she started telling me about her mother. It was one of those things that someone tells you, and you really DO NOT want to hear about it, but it's so absolutely awful that all you can do is sit and listen.

Anyway, it seems that her whole life, Tina's mom had been doing horrible, terrible things to her; things like hitting her with stuff that REALLY hurt her; or she'd cut her with a knife (her own daughter!); or put drain cleaner in her food! And then, she'd take her to the hospital and tell all the doctors that Tina was doing it to HERSELF! And if Tina said anything to anyone about it, her mom would use some argument that made it look like SHE was the victim! And then when they got back home, she'd hurt Tina even worse! I told her that I knew about this ... I'd learned about it in one of my courses! But I couldn't remember what it was called. Proxy-something-or-other. I wished I could remember. The voices weren't helping the situation any.

But Tina said that everything was okay now ... everything was alright. She told me that the night before, a friend had taken her out to a place where she had talked to some women who had helped her! And these women ... they were witches! Real witches! Even though they didn't like it when you called them that. Anyway, they did something, like a ceremony or a Witch's Sabbath or something, and when it was all over, Tina had understood. She had been caught up in a sort of self-destructive cycle because of what her mom had done to her (and that's why she had made MY life such a living hell these past few weeks). But now ... now she KNEW what she had to do. Now she KNEW how to break that cycle. And for the first time, for the very first time, she truly thought she was going to be able to live a normal life.

The car stopped in front a huge house in the woods. I could see a big lake down the hill beyond it. She got out and told me that there was someone she wanted me to meet. I really didn't want to meet anyone, but I got out of the car.

"And about those witches," she told me, as she stood by her open car door. "There was a price I have to pay because they helped me."

"What's that?" I asked. I got distracted. A little dog came running up to me and began jumping up on me. I stooped down and picked her up, and she started licking my face.

"I have to bring them another woman who needs help," she said. "And Wendy, I don't know ANYBODY that needs help more than you!"

I heard the door slam and I spun around as she started the car. I could only stare in open-mouthed astonishment as she drove off, waving her hand out the window in a bye-bye sort of motion. I was still holding the little dog, which continued to lick my face. I couldn't BELIEVE it! My purse was still in that car! And my cell phone! I had nothing!

I put the dog down and watched the car until it was out of sight. I looked around. The little animal was sitting at my feet, peering up at me affectionately. "What are YOU looking at?" I asked her. She barked several times. At last, with no other option open, I turned and went to the house and rang the bell.

A young woman about my age opened the door. She was holding a baby. It was one of those moments that your brain screams at you: Do not stare! Do not stare at this person! But, of course, you stare, anyway. The girl was an albino, with pale pink-white skin, snow-white hair and eyebrows, and eyes that were the color of robin's eggs: pure, pastel blue. Everything about her was striking. She was probably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

"Hello," the girl said as she opened the door. "Can I help y..." and she stopped dead in mid-sentence and stared at ME! It's hard to describe. I felt dumpy and plain next to her, but I also felt incredibly DRAWN to her. I suddenly wanted to know her ... talk to her ... BE with her.

"Uh ... Can I use your phone?" I stuttered. "I'm ... uh ... sort of stranded out here. I ... uh ... need to call a cab."

Finally, she blinked. "Um ... sure! Please ... please come in!" She opened the door wide for me. The little dog took the opportunity and ran in ahead of me. At the same time, the baby held out her arms toward me, issued a loud "GOO!" and broke into a huge smile. "You seem to have acquired a fan club," the pale girl said as I stepped inside. She actually blushed. "I'm one too, I guess. I'm sorry I stared at you just now. It's just that ... um ... I've never seen another one before."

"Another ... what?" I asked. I was closer to her now. My skin tingled. I felt a little short of breath.

"Another one of us," she answered, laying her hand on my arm. Her touch was almost electric. She smiled up at me. "You can FEEL it, can't you?"

I tried to tell her that I had no idea what she was talking about, but my lips wouldn't be a party to such an obvious lie. "I ... I don't understand what's happening," I told her.

"Oh, I understand it," she responded, "but I have NO idea what to DO about it. Brenda will know." She turned to face the empty hallway. "Brenda! Dee! Come quick!"

I waited only a few short moments before two more girls appeared, these slightly older ... in their mid-to-late twenties, I suppose. One had long black hair and was slender, but looked sort of pudgy around the middle. The one with red hair was a bit taller and carried a notebook and pencil. They too were exceptionally pretty, and they too stopped short when they saw me and stared openly at me. I stared back. I was beginning to feel a little lightheaded. The same sort of odd attraction seemed to surround them like an aura.

"Holy cow!" said the redhead. "Brenda! Another one!"

But the brunette was already advancing toward me, her right hand outstretched toward me. I reached out to take it automatically. "I'm obviously Brenda," she said cheerily. "This is Dee ... and Willie. And you are... ?"

"Uh ... Wendy. Wendy Colliers. You see, my ... uh ... roommate seems to have ... uh ... left me here for some reason. Can I use your phone to ... uh..."

"You don't need a phone," Brenda said almost patiently. "You need to know what the hell is going on, don't you? You need to know why you're having this weird feeling, being around us, right? And I'll bet you anything that you have a problem. A problem SO big and outrageous, that you haven't even let anybody else KNOW about it. Isn't that so?"

I suddenly found it hard to breathe correctly. The brunette ... Brenda ... was having the most profound effect on me of all. It's almost impossible to describe my feelings toward her. I felt like if I reached out to her, and held her, and let her hold me, that everything would be alright. "You know?" I asked. I felt tears on my cheeks. "You know about them? You can help?" I looked around at the other two. "Are you the witches?"

Brenda winced. "We are NOT witches! I really, really wish people would stop calling us that!" She took a deep breath. "Now, come into the kitchen. I just made some tea ... or there's some coffee left, if you prefer."

I followed them into the cooking area. I nodded in approval. It was a well set-up kitchen. One of them obviously knew how to cook. They put the baby into a highchair and put a fistful of Cheerios in front of her, which she started picking up in her pudgy fingers and trying to maneuver into her open mouth. Brenda poured a cup of tea and put it at one of the places at the kitchen table, indicating that I should sit down. The others settled into the other places at the table, and we all just sat there, staring at each other.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. "How did you know about the voices?" I asked Brenda.

She smiled. "I didn't, but I knew it would be something. Voices, huh? I'm betting they began when you started having sex ... or maybe when you first started having your period. What do the voices tell you to do?"

I blinked and remained silent for a long time, thinking. My period. It HAD been just about that time when they started! How had she known that? I looked around at their faces. They weren't rushing me. They weren't prying. They seemed ... helpful, understanding. I took a deep breath, and then I just started telling them everything! About the voices, about my day, about the weird feeling I was having right now, being near them. "But how did you know my problem started when I began having my period?" I asked.

"Okay," she told me, "first things first. The reason that we've all been staring at you is because we all have a ... bond, I guess you could call it. There isn't a word for it, really ... not that I've been able to find. But WE (she made a gesture that took in her two friends) call ourselves 'Naturals.' Obviously, you're one, too. We didn't know there was another one out there until now.