Chapter 12

I knew I'd made a mistake. As soon as I opened my eyes Wednesday morning, I knew it. I felt sick to my stomach and I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I could hear Henry and Greg snoring softly. I'd set my alarm for five, but it wasn't even that late yet. I still had twelve minutes to go before the buzzer went off. I spent it wondering what I'd done the night before.

No, I knew exactly what I'd done. I just didn't know why.

I felt guilty, I suppose, at least part of me. Kyle was one of my best friends and I'd had sex with him. That wasn't right. I figured this was probably the way I should have felt after having sex with my brothers, but it wasn't. I hadn't felt anything at all, except mad at Henry of course, but that's different and had nothing to do with giving him a blowjob. So why did I feel like this about Kyle?

He wasn't my friend anymore, a little voice told me. He wasn't my best friend now; he was my boyfriend. I sucked on my top lip and hugged my pillow, curled up around it like a baby. I'd ruined it, I thought. I'd ruined everything just for sex. I'd wanted to do it with him, I knew that, but that didn't make it right. Kyle had wanted it too, even more than me maybe, but I couldn't blame him; he's just a boy, and...

What? I'm a boy too, I had to remind myself, and that frightened me as much as anything else. What was I thinking? That Kyle was a boy and supposed to want sex, but I was a girl? Where had that come from? I was a boy! I woke up every morning and never doubted it, at least not way down inside. My body wasn't like other boys' bodies, but in my heart, my head, maybe even in my soul ... I had to be a boy! But that hadn't been what I was thinking, and my eyes fill with tears.

I wasn't crying, not really. I just ... Why did I have sex with Kyle? I'd felt bad because my friends had wanted to touch me and kiss me and I'd gotten mad at them for it. And then I'd met a girl and had sex with her, maybe just to prove I really was a guy? Did that make sense? I wasn't sure, it seemed like a long time ago and I couldn't remember what I'd been thinking, or how I'd ended up in Sandy's bed. It had just happened.

I clutched my pillow and kept my eyes shut, ignoring the wetness on my cheeks and the hollow ache in my guts, like a cramp that was killing me. Did I have sex with Kyle just to prove I wasn't a lesbian? Had I lost one of my best friends for that? I was going to lose the rest of them too. One at a time, Matt and then Lance and finally John. They'd want their turns and if I said yes or no it wouldn't make any difference, I'd ruined everything.

Bzzzzzzzzzz...

My alarm went off and reached over, fumbling for the button. It wasn't going to wake up my brothers; they could sleep through a tornado. I wiped at my nose since it had started running and my pillow was snotty. But I didn't want to get up. I just moved my head a bit, finding a dry spot and laid there, feeling sorry for myself. Why did I, out of every single person I knew, why did I have to worry about this stuff? It wasn't fair. People had told me that they'd gone through the same things. My dad had told me, most of my brothers, Matt's parents, even some of my teachers. Especially when I'd gotten my first period, they'd told me it was okay. That it was normal to be scared and a little worried. But they didn't know. None of them did. I was alone and it wasn't fair at all.

Coach was waiting for me, or he soon would be. And then Matt and Lance and John, they'd be waiting for me too. I thought about the day to come and I didn't want any of it. I wasn't going to get up ever again, I thought. I'd just stay in bed forever. I felt like a little kid again and that made me feel worse somehow.

What was Kyle thinking, I wondered. What did he think about last night? Would he still like me now that we'd done it? Maybe he'd think that we'd do it all the time, whenever he wanted, like I wouldn't ever say no. Was that possible? How could he like me after I'd let him do it? After I'd let him fuck me? Would he tell anyone? He'd tell Matt and Lance and John, I was sure. But what about his other friends? And even if he didn't tell anyone that he'd fucked me, how would I know? I'd never worried about it before. Everyone else I'd had sex with would have to keep it a secret. But not Kyle. He was my boyfriend and every guy I knew who had ever fucked his girlfriend had told the whole world about it the next day.

Kyle would tell, I decided. He'd laugh and tell everyone at the high school how we'd done it in the back of his car. He'd want his new respect as a man and I wouldn't get any because I was the girl. That's what really bothered me now. Respect. How could a boy respect a girl after he fucked her on the first date? He couldn't, because as soon as he told his buddies about it she was a slut. Ask her out once and she'll let you fuck her. She'll even suck your dick and let you cum in her mouth. She's a total slut.

How could I ever get out of bed now? People would look at me and whisper and laugh. I wouldn't be a guy anymore, not even a make believe one. Heck, some people would be happy because I wouldn't be a lesbian anymore. How can Ann be queer if she let a guy fuck her on the first date? That's what people would say to each other. And after Matt and Lance and John fucked me, because they would, then I'd be the biggest slut in town.

I wasn't being fair to Kyle. I knew that somewhere inside me, but I couldn't fight my doubts and fears. I didn't know where they'd come from or why, all I knew was that I had them, and it felt like panic. I couldn't stay in bed. I had to do something about this. I had to stop it. Right now. That instant.

I went downstairs, wearing the boxers and t-shirt I'd slept in, and flipping on the lights as I went, since it was still kinda dark. I got to the kitchen and picked up the phone, calling Kyle. He had his own phone anyway, so it wasn't like his parents were going to answer. I dialed and waited until he picked it up on the fourth ring.

" ... ello?" his voice sounded sleepy, as it should have, I guess, but I was wide awake.

"Kyle?" I spoke quietly and my voice trembled a little, in fact my whole body shook. "You can't tell anyone. You have to promise me, okay? You gotta swear you won't say anything to anybody about what we did. Okay? Kyle?"

"Huh?" He was confused and probably rubbing his eyes and looking at his clock and not really hearing me.

"I said you can't tell anybody!" I hissed, and looked around the kitchen nervously. I had to calm down or I was going to hyperventilate.

"Ann? What's wrong? Tell them what?" he seemed a little more awake at least, maybe a lot more. He might have thought my house was on fire the way I was talking.

"Anybody!" I said. "You can't tell, okay?"

"About last night?" Kyle seemed to take a deep breath, or maybe he was yawning, I didn't know. "I'm not gonna say anything. I promise, Annie. Why would I say anything?"

"Cause..." I didn't know why, "You're a guy, I don't know. You're gonna tell your friends what we did ... You're gonna tell everybody..."

He started protesting, saying he wouldn't and I forced myself to take slow deep breaths.

"I just don't want you to say anything ... Don't tell..." I spoke slow and soft finally, not so much because I was settling down, but more like I was just running out of steam. I felt so tired.

"I promise," Kyle said slowly. "I'm not going to tell anyone anything."

"Okay." I swallowed and nodded to myself. "Okay ... Yeah..."

"Ann? What's wrong?" he asked.

"I, um ... I had a bad dream." I sat down in one of the kitchen chairs, laying my head down on my arm and pressing the phone to my ear. "Kyle?" I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Do you still like me?" I was going to cry, I could feel it coming.

"Yeah," he said gently, like he knew I was already hurting. "I'll always like you..." He might have wanted to say more, but I felt bad and I didn't want him to hear me crying.

"Okay," I whispered. "Bye."

And I didn't get up, I just pushed the phone to my stomach and let it come. I rocked my body back and forth, not understanding why it had to be like this. I hurt so bad inside and there was no reason for it. I started sobbing loudly, unable to help myself, and it seemed that my whole life was just exploding out of me. Time passed, I knew, but I had no concept of it anymore. Someone wrapped me up in his arms, standing behind me, hugging me until I collapsed there at the table, dropping the phone with a plastic clatter and gripping those strong arms.

It was my dad, and he held me like he'd been waiting his whole life to do it. He didn't say anything. He just waited until I was through finally. Until my body stopped shaking and I was sniffing at the snot in my nose and swallowing thickly the runny gunk in the back of my mouth. Then he helped me up slowly, walking me out of the kitchen. I became aware of my brothers, a few of them anyway, standing around and someone picked up the phone and hung it up. But I felt afraid and embarrassed and I didn't want to look at anyone.

"Let's get you back into bed," Daddy said and I let him carry me to my room. I was too big for being carried like that, but he didn't care. Greg was gone, downstairs, I guessed, but Henry was still sleeping and without a word Daddy took me to his room.

I hadn't slept in my dad's bed since I'd been very small. I'd always shared a room and when I'd gotten frightened or lonely I'd crawled into bed with one of my brothers usually. Daddy's room seemed foreign to me, but it was a warm place too. A safe place and I slipped into his bed gratefully, looking up at him finally as he pulled the covers around me, fussing just a little and trying to reassure me with a smile. He didn't say anything though, he just sat there for awhile and I closed my eyes.

When I opened them the sun was up and I realized that I'd been sleeping. I felt better, a lot better, and I stretched a little.

"Good morning," Steve said, sitting in an old armchair that looked like it belonged in a fancy dining room someplace, except it was old. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I replied. "Where's Daddy?"

"Downstairs." He smiled and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching over to feel my head and cheek. His hand felt soft and cool. "You got a little fever, I think. Are you hungry?"

I thought about it for a second and decided I wasn't. "No." I licked my lips and started to get up. "I'm thirsty though."

"Just stay there." Steve gave me a gentle push back into the bed. "I'll get you some juice."

"I need the bathroom too," I said with a weak smile.

"Oh." He chuckled softly. "Well, get up then. But get back in bed afterwards or you'll get me in trouble."

"Okay." I went to the bathroom and peed and washed my face, looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a little swollen, I thought, a little red too. I'd had a pretty good cry downstairs and it wasn't that late, I'd only slept an hour maybe.

I could hear my brothers downstairs yelling at each other to hurry up, or to grab a book or something else they'd forgotten. Mark and David would be riding together in Mark's car, Greg catching a ride with Henry. Scott was already gone, probably, and Steve had classes in the afternoon. I could have still made it to school probably, but it didn't seem like Daddy had any intention of making me go. And I really didn't feel that great anyway. I did have a little fever, but I didn't know if I was really sick or if that was just from all the worrying I'd done.

I climbed back into Daddy's bed, deciding I sort of liked it more than my own for the time being, and wondered vaguely what my dad was thinking. I might have worried about it, but I reckon most of me was all worried out for awhile. I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to lie there and be babied, you know? I smiled when Steve walked in carrying a big glass of orange juice.

"You want to talk?" he asked me, standing there as I took a couple swallows and set the glass down on the nightstand.

I shook my head. "No."

"Okay." Steve gave a little nod at that. "You gotta stay in bed for awhile, okay? I'll, uh ... I'm gonna go study a little." He wasn't sure if he wanted to leave me or not and I understood he was a little worried. It wasn't every day that his little sister had a breakdown in the kitchen.

"You can study in here," I told him. "If you want." It felt kind of nice just having him there.

"Sure. Okay," he agreed. "I'll be right back."

Steve studied drafting and engineering and while I always thought it was just drawing stuff with fancy rulers and pencils that looked like pens, I gradually learned that there's a lot more to it than that. Steve sat next to me on the bed, since it was a big old king sized one that about four people could sleep on at once. He had his textbooks and notebooks out and he was trying to explain the math, which seemed to be pretty important, but I didn't get that stuff at all.

It was fun though, just being with him and sharing something of his life. It was a good feeling and so far removed from all my earlier worries that I'd forgotten them almost completely. I'd had some kind of panic attack, that's all. I'd probably caught a little cold too, getting all hot and humid in the back of Kyle's car and then cooling off in the cold night air afterwards. And maybe I'd had a bad dream, I couldn't remember them usually, and I might have dreamt something and woken up, and felt all that stuff ganging up on me in the dark. It seemed like a good explanation, I thought, and just having some logical reason made me feel better.

I guess Steve and I must have really been enjoying ourselves because we were both surprised when there came a knock on the bedroom door and Nancy Ryan opened it slowly. Usually you can hear a car pulling into the drive, the gravel crunching under the tires and stuff, but I hadn't heard one coming, or the ringing of the doorbell.

She was in her early fifties and married to George Ryan, and they were both doctors. Their oldest girl, Linda, was a couple years older than Steve, and she was a veterinarian, so I guess that made her a doctor too. Anyway, they were the only doctors in the county and had a little clinic at their house, a big old Victorian place that they'd renovated nicely. Mostly folks just called up for a convenient time to come over, but being a small town, the Ryans didn't mind making house calls.

"Hi there." Nancy smiled and carried her little black bag, which was actually more of a caramel color. "How are we doing today, Ann?"

I glanced at my brother and he'd started getting all his stuff together, making room for the doctor. "I feel okay," I told her.

"I'll be downstairs, Annie," Steve told me, giving my hand a squeeze before he left. "Ma'am," he nodded to Nancy as he slipped past her.

"Thanks, Steve." She smiled at him too and then put her bag on the bed where Steve had been sitting, opening it up. "What happened this morning?"

The doctor took my temperature, checked my blood pressure, and listened to my lungs, having me sit up and removing my t-shirt to make it easier. I had some bruises still, mostly underneath my boobs, but they were blotchy and mostly faded by then and I just shrugged and said it was football. Nancy nodded at that, so probably she believed me and then she listened as I tried to explain how I'd woken up feeling sort of sick with worry mostly, not really physically at all. I told her about my date with Kyle, but I didn't tell her everything of course, just that we'd kissed and made out a little in his car. It was sort of embarrassing, but she seemed nice and gentle as always, so I found myself talking easily, and even smiling a little.

Nancy asked me what I'd had to eat and drink, if I'd been having a hard time with my dad or my brothers, or anybody at school. She knew I was on the football team, obviously, and she asked about that. I told her everything was fine, I was getting along good with everybody. She was looking for something, whatever might have been really bothering me. So we talked about Kyle some more and how it had been our first date and that he was one of my best friends. Nancy said she understood when I told her that I'd probably made a mistake going out with him.

"Can you take off your shorts for me, Ann." It wasn't a question and I wondered if I'd heard the woman right.

"My boxers?" I looked at her with some embarrassment.

"Yes dear." She smiled to reassure me, but it didn't help that much. She was putting on a rubber glove too.

Why is it everyone always does what a doctor says? If she'd asked me to hop up and down on one leg while rubbing my tummy and patting my head, I probably woulda done it. You probably would too, but I don't know why. So, I lifted my butt and pulled my underwear down, feeling my body growing warm. Being naked was one thing, and I've never worried a whole lot about it, but shucking your drawers so a person could really take a good hard look? That's a whole other kind of different in my opinion.

"We're just going to take a little look see down here and make sure everything's okay," Doctor Ryan sorta explained. "Have you ever visited a gynecologist, Ann?"

"Uh, no." I blinked at her. "I don't think so."

"Bend your knees a little and lie straight back, there you go. Good." The doctor touched my pussy. That's the first time I could remember since that one afternoon with Marilee that someone else had touched me there. Not even Sandy had done it.

I just stared at the ceiling and mostly tried to breathe normally, but found it hard to relax. She wasn't hurting me or anything, and it wasn't like she was making me feel good either. It just seemed ... Weird. Even when she put her fingers inside me, warning me that I was going to feel some pressure, it frightened me more than anything else. She didn't go too far at all though, in fact she didn't even go inside my pussy. She just sorta spread my lips mostly.

"Go ahead and relax dear." She peeled off her glove and I could see it all shiny wet and I realized she must have put some lube stuff on the fingers. I wondered why if all she wanted to do was look, but not for long because that made me want to smile and we were being serious.

"Is everything okay?" I asked her, honestly wondering myself by then.

"Oh yes, everything is fine." She really did smile then. "You have a little chafing..." I sat up and looked down between my spread thighs, watching as Nancy traced the outline of my nut cup, " ... just around here."

"That's from my nut cup," I told her.

"Football, right?" Nancy nodded. "I have some ointment for that. You know, those things aren't really made for girls. If you go to a good sporting goods store, there are protective devices made for especially for girls."

"But there ain't any stores around here," I said, and besides I liked my nut cup, even if it did get a little uncomfortable.

"That's the problem, I know." She nodded. "I suppose it's okay, just use this. Not too much, right after your bath." Nancy gave me a little tube. "If you need more, come by the house. We get a lot of free samples," she said wit a wink.

"Okay." I looked at it, turning the ointment in my hand.

"Go ahead and get dressed now," she said, putting her stuff away and a minute or two later she sat on the bed next to me. "Now, I know you haven't been having sex. You're hymen is intact and everything is fine, but you have to take care of yourself, okay?"

I nodded, thinking maybe it had been a good thing she hadn't decided to look at my butt.

"You have a boyfriend now and that can change a lot of things. I think you understand that. It can be very easy to get confused and sometimes hurt if you're not careful," Nancy said seriously, but she gave me a little smile. "Kyle's a good boy and I'm glad he's your friend, but even best friends can make mistakes. You can trust him, but you have to trust yourself even more, okay? You're much too smart and much too pretty to let yourself get hurt."

"Okay." I thought I understood what she meant. Nancy didn't want me getting pregnant, well there wasn't much chance of that, I didn't figure.

"Okay." She nodded, smiling again. "Now when are you going to let that beautiful hair grow out?"

We talked another five minutes, mostly about nothing important and then she reminded me that I could always talk to her if I needed to, about anything at all. "I've raised three girls of my own, Ann, so don't be shy. I've heard it all before, believe me!"

I watched as she closed the door behind her, thinking that Nancy Ryan probably hadn't heard it all before, unless one of her girls was really a boy.

A little while later Steve came back, relaxing beside me on the bed and he asked me about the doctor and what she'd said and done. We heard her leaving, maybe cause we were listening for it this time, and we knew Daddy would be coming up shortly.

"Hey." The door opened and my dad knocked lightly and poked his head into the bedroom as if it was no longer his. "How are you feeling, girl?

"Better." I smiled at him to prove it.

He walked over and felt my head the way Steve had done earlier. "You're a little warm, but not bad." He tousled my hair gently. "Doctor says you'll survive."

"Good." I giggled a little, enjoying the attention.

"She's tough," Steve agreed. "You get ahold of Jerry?" he asked, turning to look at our dad.

"Yep. He'll be over this afternoon; he's got some roofing to finish up this morning over at the Burnett's place."

"Who's that?" I asked them. "Jerry Stiles?"

"Yeah." Daddy looked around and decided to sit at the foot of the bed facing me.

"What's he comin' over for?" I wondered. Jerry Stiles was a carpenter and a contractor, and the best one around too. He fixed houses and even built new ones for people who were tired of living in cities like Seattle. There were a lot of those people, so I guessed Seattle wasn't all that great, except to visit maybe.

"We got a leaky roof," Steve told me and I looked at him, but he was smiling too big, so I knew he was fooling with me.

"I've been thinking for awhile maybe it was time we got the old pantry fixed up." Daddy rubbed his jaw. It looked scratchy cause he hadn't shaved that morning. "Turn it into a proper bedroom; add a little bathroom too maybe. What do you think?"

"For me?" I almost couldn't believe it. Our house never changed and while I was pretty sure we had some money, Daddy hardly ever spent any except for food and parts and tools and such. The idea of building a new bedroom, and maybe even a bathroom, just for me, was ... Weird! I felt like it was Christmas, my birthday, and Halloween all rolled up into one.

"Yeah for you!" He laughed.

I looked at Steve and he just smiled. "But ... Why?" I asked Daddy, turning back to him.

"Well, you ain't a little girl no more." He shrugged. "I figured maybe you were feeling a little crowded in there with Greg and Henry."

"I don't mind," I told him, wondering what had brought this on. I knew everyone had taken a bit of a scare that morning, and we were gonna have to talk about it soon, but a new bedroom?

"Is that why they're doin' your chores?" He looked at me then and I knew he knew. Or he suspected something anyway and that's the same thing with Daddy.

I looked down, biting my lip and then remembering how guilty that looked, I stopped and glanced at Steve. He wasn't looking too sure of himself either though. I turned back to Daddy. "They lost a bet, that's all."

"Uh-huh." He tilted his head like he'd heard better bullshit at an old time revival meeting.

"Henry and Greg had some, uh ... problems with their camera, Pop," Steve decided to speak up. "We took care of it," he said, looking Daddy straight in the eye, and that's something I couldn't ever do when we talked serious and I wasn't being truthful.

"And those shiners Henry got?" he asked.

"That'd be Mark and Scott," Steve replied with a shrug and Dad seemed to consider all that. "Admit it, Pop ... Henry's adopted."

"Don't I wish sometimes," he snorted and looked at me. "Is that what happened?"

"Yes sir." I nodded quickly, wiping the smile off my face from Steve's little joke.

"What about this morning?" he asked, his voice becoming gentle again. "Did that have anything to do with Henry and Greg?"

"No,"I answered truthfully. "I was ... I woke up not feeling too good and I was worried." I wasn't sure if I should have been saying anything or not, but it felt like I needed to. Like I could pass part of the weight to Daddy. He was the only one I hadn't talked to, really, and the one I probably needed the most.

"Worried about what, Annie?" Steve asked me, maybe just to reassure me that he was still there if I needed him.

"Kyle," I sighed and reached for my juice, taking a swallow. It had gotten a little warm and tasted too sweet.

"Kyle?" Daddy sat up a little. "Something happen last night?"

"We kissed a little bit." I held the glass in my lap, looking down at it. "At the movie and later, afterwards in his car." I figured Nancy Ryan might have told him some of this, but maybe she hadn't. Or else Daddy just didn't like hearing it from me.

"Just kissing?" He looked at me hard and I nodded. "What about that other boy you were kissing on ... What's his name?"

"Brian," I reminded him. "I don't know." I frowned, keeping my head down and thinking fast. "That's why I was worried ... I thought, well ... I don't want any trouble, that's all."

"So you got two boyfriends, huh." Daddy took a deep breath.

"Who'd you call this morning?" Steve asked me.

"Kyle." I looked at my brother. "I wanted to tell him it was a mistake. That I was sorry."

"Sounds like you got some figurin' to do, girl." My dad patted my leg through the bed sheets.

"Yeah," I nodded and took a peek at Daddy. "You're not mad, are you?"

"Mad at Kyle?" Dad shook his head. "I guess not." He paused and narrowed his eyes, "Just kissing right? He didn't try and..." his voice trailed off suggestively.

"No!" I made a face, wondering why he'd ask me something like that.

"Kyle's a good kid, Pop, he wouldn't try anything," Steve offered.

"Hmph. Okay," Daddy said and he seemed satisfied for the moment at least. "No more dates for awhile, understand me?"

"Yes sir," I answered, understanding that he meant no more kissing for awhile either.

"Good. I'm gonna rattle some pots and pans, you come down soon and we'll have some breakfast." Daddy started getting up and Steve and I watched him go.

"What really happened last night?" Steve asked me quietly, sliding a little closer.

"Me and Kyle..." I shrugged and looked at the ceiling, " ... we did it."

"You had sex with Kyle?" I nodded and Steve stared at me. "What, like regular sex? The Doc said you're still a virgin."

"She told you guys that?" It surprised me, but I guess it shouldn't have. Daddy had probably been worried I'd been raped or something, the way I'd acted this morning.

"Yeah," he replied. "So how did... ?"

"Oh, no ... he did it in my butt," I said seriously, and then giggled just because it had sounded sorta funny, but I wasn't feeling especially happy.

"So what happened this morning?" Steve wasn't looking terribly pleased either.

"I was afraid he wasn't going to like me," I explained, the words spilling out quickly. "I thought I'd ruined everything, you know? I mean, I wasn't going to, but then I did and then it was fine last night and then this morning ... I just thought I made a mistake. I had to call him. I had to know if..."

"What? If he still respected you?" It sounded like a cliché, but it was the truth.

"Yeah," I agreed with my cheeks turning red. "Stupid, huh?"

"I dunno," he admitted. "Maybe, maybe not. What did he say?"

"What I wanted him to," I sighed. It kind of felt better telling Steve, but I was still sure I'd messed up big time going out with Kyle. And especially having sex with him. "I'm supposed to go out with the other guys too."

"What other guys?" Steve's soft brown eyes looked into mine. "You mean Matt and Lance and..."

"John, yeah," I nodded. "And when they find out what me and Kyle did..."

"Don't tell them," he said immediately.

"They're my best friends," I protested. "They're Kyle's best friends. They're gonna find out."

"Not if nobody tells them." Steve rubbed my shoulder. "I'll talk to Kyle, okay? He won't..."

"No," I warned him. "Don't..."

"I'll just talk to him. He won't tell anyone, okay? He'll understand, believe me," Steve tried to convince me, but I knew how protective my brothers could get.

"He's my best friend." I grabbed my brother's arm, squeezing it hard.

"I know. Come on, Ann. It's not like I'm gonna break his legs or anything," he said with a smile. "I like him, I really do."

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. "But..."

Steve cut me off. "But nothing, I'll talk to the other guys too."

I was really going to say something then, but he wasn't going to listen.