Chapter 16

"Bullshit! I've gone through some counseling too and that's the standard finding ... in fact I've told my kids to just cut out the middleman and blame me whenever they screw up ... saves a lot of money."

She gave a wry chuckle.

"True, but in my case it's right. And I know it." I just shook my head.

"Seriously, you know I'm an only child ... and I worshiped my dad. Dad was gone a lot on missions and TDY. So, whenever he got back home, I wanted all his attention. Of course so did mom. She had a hard time coping with running the house alone, she just wasn't that good at it. So not only did Dad spend a lot of time alone in their bedroom with her, he also had to clean up the bills and do the things around the house that most military wives learn to deal with."

It was like a dam had broken so I didn't feel I needed to comment, just listen.

"I guess I was about 5 or 6 when I learned I could get more attention from him when I broke some rules and, of course, when I did that, he would scold me and either send me to my room or sit me in a corner."

"Obviously that didn't really help, I just felt more alone. So I would act nasty or talk back to him until he spanked me. And, no matter how much it hurt, I was getting all his attention. He didn't like doing it, either ... so, afterward, he would hug me and kiss my cheeks and I felt like he really loved me."

"Naturally, I learned to endure the spankings, to the point where I was at least neutral on them. I mean I wasn't a masochist about it, or anything like that. In fact, I'd often just run up to him when he was reading the paper or watching TV and get on his lap to cuddle."

She stopped to collect her thoughts.

"But that all ended when I was about 11 or 12. Dad had just gotten back from Japan -we were at Edwards, then- and he was bone tired and just plopped down in his chair to wind down before he went to bed. Naturally I was excited he was back and I plopped onto his lap and we cuddled as usual. But when I got up, mom looked at him and went berserk. You know how men get erections when they're really tired? I guess she saw he had one and jumped to the wrong conclusions. I found out much later that she had been abused by an uncle whom she adored."

"That started a fight that went on for hours. I had no idea what they were yelling about, but I hid in my room and cried my eyes out because I just KNEW something in my life had just changed."

"From that day on, I wasn't allowed in my dad's lap. He tried to explain it to me, that I was getting too old and becoming a young woman ... and young women didn't cuddle in their daddy's lap. I tried to act like I understood but I didn't. I only knew I was never going to get that affection, again."

"In fact I tried, even acting up and swearing at him later. But he never spanked me again, and he never let me hug him for more than a few seconds, and standing up, at that."

I just shook my head ... a selfish question came to mind. How is it I attract all these 'needy' women?

"Karin, there must be millions of women who have gone through something like that."

"Yeah, Jake, I'm sure there are and I'm sure a fair number of those are just as screwed up as I am!"

"Well, yes, I suppose so ... but because of their mothers?"

She smiled with a tinge of bitterness on the corners of her lips and in her eyes.

"That's the kicker, Jake. I seldom got any affection from Mom. She would give me a hug every now and then but only for a brief second, then she would push me away." I could see tears starting to form.

"Jake, remember that was the fifties. It turns out that I had all the bad luck in the world ... being abused by her uncle, and then her cousin had turned Mom against men. She liked my dad well enough but only married him to get away from her family. But that wasn't the reason she wouldn't show me affection. While I was at college, she was caught in bed with a twelve year old neighbor girl."

"I only found that out ten years ago, when I had finished therapy and confronted Dad. He told me about it then he drove me to Mom's, she lives with another woman now, and made her tell me the story. She didn't want to talk about it at first but finally broke down and admitted that when she hugged me, her own daughter, she started having 'bad thoughts'."

I just shook my head. How close had I come to exacting 'revenge' on the most dysfunctional family I had ever been around!

"And, Jake, that is where you come in. I used you, like I said before, but I used you to get affection, and then get into knowing other guys; who, I thought, could make me feel better because all the girls wanted them. And if those guys wanted to date me then that proved I was worthy of affection."