From out of the frozen Canadian north rides Dudley Do-right of the Mounted Police, defender of truth, justice and the Canadian way. The heroic Constable Do-right and his fellow Mounties stand as a bulwark between law-abiding citizens and the felonious few who would do wrong in the wild and wooly frontier at the closing days of the 19th century. Let's join Dudley today as he rides patrol duty.
"Look, Horse! There's Nell down by the river. It looks like she's having a picnic with another young lady. Let's go over there and say hello."
Nell Fenwick is an auburn-haired beauty and daughter of Inspector Fenwick, commandant of the Mountie camp. She's Dudley's girlfriend but her not so secret crush is on Dudley's horse, Horse. But we won't get into that now since bestiality is totally disgusting, don't you think?
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," said Nell.
"Good afternoon, Nell. It's a lovely day, isn't it?"
"Oh hello, Dudley. Yes, it is a lovely day. How's my stallion?"
"I'm just fine."
"I wasn't talking to you," Nell replied as she caressed Horse's nose. "Your mare is ready for you anytime you are."
"Heh heh!" said Horse.
"Did Horse just say heh heh?"
"Oh, uh, your friend looks familiar. What is her name?"
"Forgive my manners, Dudley. Please meet my best girlfriend forever, Shirley Whiplash."
"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Whiplash? Nell! That's no woman. That's Snidely Whiplash in a dress." Dudley leaped off his horse and drew his service revolver.
"You're under arrest, Whiplash!"
"On what charge?"
"Impersonating a woman!"
"Dudley Do-right! If you lay a hand on that girl, I'll never speak to you again."
"You can't blame him, Nell," said Shirley. "A Mountie's job is to never forgive or forget. Yes, I'm the former Snidely Whiplash but I've reformed. You see, during my last stint in jail, I went to counseling. They made me realize that my anti social behavior was caused by my rage at my being born a woman but stuck in the body of a man. Therefore, I've decided to live the rest of my life as a woman, or as best I can. My former life of murder, mayhem and destruction is behind me. My dearest friend and confidant, Nell Fenwick, has consented to teach me my femininity."
"I don't believe a word of it," said Dudley. "Who in his right mind would ever want to be a woman?"
"I'm a woman, Dudley."
"I know that, Nell but it's too late for you."
"What did you say, mister?"
"He's so insensitive, isn't he, Nell? Just like a man! Fortunately you don't have to believe me. A copy of my royal pardon is on file with Inspector Fenwick at the Mountie camp."
"Surely, you jest."
"He's making fun of my name, Nell." <sniff>
"Just you go check with my father, Constable and leave us girls alone. You've caused enough trouble already." Taking that as good advice Dudley rushed off to the Mountie camp and into the office of Inspector Fenwick.
"Inspector! Snidely Whiplash is in drag and hanging out with your daughter Nell."
"I know, Do-right."
"You know? But—
"Read it and weep." Inspector Fenwick handed Dudley a sheet of paper.
"It really is a royal pardon," said Dudley. "Hmmm. Queen Vicky?"
"I noticed that too," said the inspector. "I've taken the precaution of sending a telegram to the governor general's office to confirm the pardon. Until I get a response, we can't take any action. We'll have to treat Miss Whiplash like the lady she is or suffer the consequences from those minority rights groups."
"She'll have to be watched day and night."
"You're right, Do-right. I'm glad you volunteered."
"That's an order, Do-right."
"Yes sir," Dudley glumly responded.
"By the way, Nell and Miss Whiplash are having a sleepover here tonight. You're going to be chaperoning."
"Me? But where will you be?"
"The rest of the men and I are going to the pinochle tournament in town. We won't be back until late."
"I like pinochle too, sir."
"You don't know anything about pinochle."
"But I'm very good at kibitzing."
"I know. That's a very good reason for why I want you kept away. The other reason is that tomorrow's payroll is in my office safe and I want you to keep a close eye on that while you're chaperoning the girls just in case."
"You can depend on me, sir."