Chapter 6

My time with Jo was very important, she guided and comforted me. We had sex together again which was wonderful but she was firm that we were not "lovers" in the sense of being partners. She encouraged me to make friends in and out of school and to have some social life as she herself did. At the suggestion of her cop friend, we hired a private investigator to monitor James' and Mum's movements.

My relationship with Mum deteriorated. Her mood swings from paranoia to shame became more obvious and she took less care of her person. Communication became monosyllabic and "snappy".

On the Sunday afternoon prior to hiring the PI, I had come out of the surgery and was going to my room, when I heard Mum and James. Normally, he would drop her off and leave, but he entered with her and they were arguing. They did not see me and did not expect me to be around.

"I still don't believe it."

"What's to believe babe, you enjoyed the whole weekend, you had more orgasms this weekend than your oh so sweet dead husband gave you in his lifetime; so just get in a hot shower, get some sleep and you'll feel fine tomorrow."

"You made me."

"I made you nothing, you slut bitch, you like cock and I got you cock."

"I thought that I meant something to you, how could you?"

"How could I? Slut, you had to pay and you will enjoy more cock when I say so. You think that coke grows on trees? Listen; a schoolteachers salary does not pay for this lifestyle. If you want the stuff you'll do as I say. " "You are a hot fuck and those guys liked you, so we have a deal. They want you again so go and shower and forget those romantic ideas."

"Coke?" "Cocaine?" I had a buzzing in my head while I crept back to talk with Jo. Jo said that she suspected as much by Mum's recent behavior, which was a side effect of cocaine use. It also sounded like James had pimped her that weekend. We were both distraught and worried. On Monday the PI was employed and we gave Jo's friend further information.

It was over two weeks before we had results from the PI. On Friday nights James took Mum clubbing. They would leave close to midnight with one of his friends and go to his apartment. The next day the friend would leave. On Saturday night they would club again only and this time they left with two friends. The delay in the report was because the PI was trying to get pictures of money changing hands. He also achieved pics of group sex in the apartment. The pics were not that clear but they were recognizable. With that information in police hands, a police plant approached Mum for a dance at the club. It took the policeman three visits before he could crack a transaction with James. James was arrested for living off prostitution. Unfortunately Mum was also charged with prostitution, but her sentence was to attend a drug rehabilitation centre. Jo's cop friend said that the DNA with which he was hoping to trace James's drug dealing with, did not work. Legislation for a register of drug dealers had not been finalized so could not be used.

Mum was a mess. Withdrawal from drugs and sex together was tough. She lost her job and Jo found her part time work at an architect's office, doing filing and general help. Mum's rehabilitation included psychiatric help. Jo and I also had consultations with the psychiatrist. We had to be with Mum almost constantly once she became an outpatient of the rehab centre. This posed difficulty. The task to break Mum's guilt was more difficult. Her recent sexual relationship with me was confessed and I was asked to attend further consultation with the psychiatrist to assess my mental health. My final consultation with the psychiatrist was a surprise.

The psychiatrist's final conclusion was that the cause of Mum's problems was her guilt; not the cause of the guilt. She felt guilty for taking her son's virginity and tried to punish herself. Having a submissive nature this led to the bad relationship. She needed to have someone to replace my father, not just for sex but someone that needed her. Her guilt caused her to push her son from herself to her sister. This action in actual fact did her more harm, as she felt that she had lost her closest love and closest friend. The remedy was for me was to stay close to my mother and make her feel needed. When I blurted out "What of it leads to sex?" the psychiatrist looked intently at me and said "I am not a judge of morals" "All I know is that guilt can destroy a mind and one is lost when one loses one's mind."